All so surreal (venting) *TW see post*

I have to write this somewhere down. It keeps nagging me.

** trigger warning for denial, SI **

This all seems so surreal. But I know it has to be real. At least a part of it.
Imagined parts don't force you to believe it is real/DID.
And they don't trigger with everything that is harmful (knifes, bridges, heavy objects).
They don't want you to commit suicide (I was able to prevent it every time so far; and discover ways of coping along the way, I don't think I'm in serious danger).
They don't scare you.
They don't disagree and make you comply (nothing harmful).
They don't tell you to take care of yourself (and thus them).
They... don't mimic your parents in a bad way (introject?).
It is not normal to have intrusive thoughts. --edit: to the point they can't be blocked.
It has to be a sign I dropped out of college.
It has to be a sign I can't keep going to things I want to go to.
They don't make poems for you when you don't want to do it and hate the person it is for.
It is not normal to be really afraid of the dark at this age (19).
It is not normal to behave completely different in different situations, without any control over it.
It is not normal to not be able to talk about DID/DDNOS, but still be able to write about it.

And still I keep denying it.

An imagined disorder doesn't have such confusion with it.
An imagined disorder doesn't have all of the above.
An imagined disorder doesn't have denial with it.

Why can't I accept it?
Do I need a formal diagnosis?
Do I need a therapist that confirms the existence of alters?
I don't know. And that's the whole problem. I can't make sure this is either not real or real.

-- edits

It are no imagined friend when you want them to not nag you. Imagined friends don't do that.
It aren't imagined friends when they make you do things.
It is not normal to be (a bit) social one moment, and NOT ABLE TO BE SOCIAL another moment, without really knowing why.
It is not normal to be able to talk to someone like there's nothing wrong, but at the same time disliking that person, WITHOUT ACTING. And other times not being able to 'fake' it.

--
With 'normal' I mean neurotypical, someone without any (dissociative) disorder; the average person.

I can relate to everything you've written here. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way... it all is just so confusing sometimes isn't it? The DID developed to deny the trauma in the first place. I guess it makes sense that denial would be an ongoing part of it. To accept the reality of the experience itself would be to accept the trauma- and that is unacceptable. Nothing is real, and yet it is all too real.

Nothing is going to stop you from invalidating yourself. But, those of us who know all too well what you are experiencing don't have to. While I may invalidate me and all my parts, I will validate you and your experience. Of course it is real. Other people just don't experience these things, and it is impossible to make up. It is real. Your truth is your truth. Your experiences are real. Why would anybody want to purposely experience these things? They're horrible!

oaktree wrote:An imagined disorder doesn't have such confusion with it.
An imagined disorder doesn't have all of the above.
An imagined disorder doesn't have denial with it.

You answered yourself here. And, yes, you do need a therapist who can at least accept that your experience of alters is real for you. A formal diagnosis doesn't mean anything, but a therapist who accepts your reality but does not accept your denial is imperative (in my opinion, anyways).

Yes... I know why the denial is there. I see it when others write about it. I see it when I read back my own posts. Denial comes and goes. The moment I wrote that post it was very strong, but not strong enough for complete denial.

I wrote it in part to explain to myself why it is real. It may not be exactly DID, it may be DDNOS, but I can't know that yet and it doesn't change the fact there are alters. (to myself: yes I have to accept that). I hope my T will come with validation soon. He almost validated it once. Maybe he just waits a while to see how it comes more clear.

Btw, I really like your signature!

boopsy26 wrote:Too many dx to care.
Too in denial to really accept that there are others.
Too afraid of them to ignore.

So true!

I see you haven't been here in a while. I wasn't here then (still lived completely unsuspecting).

why are you afraid?? they're all you! the others are all you! you're a part of them and they're parts of you. they're not strangers or anything. they're you! i don't like some of the others but i'm glad we know about them and stuff becuse we should know ourselves! we should know every part of ourselves! i think it's sad to not know yourself.... and i was sad when i found out how much we didn't know and how much i didn't know! so even if i don't like some of the others i'm glad to find them becuse i want to know myself and i want us to know ourselves and i know that's the only way we can heal- to know ourselves so we know how to heal and what to heal from!

and think about it- what if some of them are afraid of you? some of your parts might be confused like you too and they might be afraid becuse they don't really know you or anything like that either!

all parts including you are parts of the same person! all others and you make up one person and you're all the same person. and you all deserve to be loved, understood, acepted, and you all deserve to heal!

*hugs to all who want one!*

-cassie

I'm afraid because...
** trigger ** One of them is suicidal. ** end **
And I'm completely not!
My attempts so far at communication haven't really worked so well. Lots of self-talk helps with that, luckily. That has helped me get safely over a bridge.

I really want to get to know them, but that is a problem currently. I think I'll start a thread about it soon (has to do with a protector/introject). Because I don't know them yet (except for leaking thoughts sometimes) it is hard to accept them as they are. I appreciate them much more than I had once in the past, though. And I really regret what I once said then. I know it was really invalidating. ** really triggering **I basically said s/he should kill herself as alter so s/he wouldn't bother me again. **end** Now I know that's not possible and really insulting.

Thank you Cassie!

Btw, denial is currently at a safe distance.

Oaktree- I think that is the reason that many of us become afraid of certain 'others'

But, this point is so beautifully stated, and should be really taken to heart

tomboy24 wrote: what if some of them are afraid of you? some of your parts might be confused like you too and they might be afraid becuse they don't really know you or anything like that either!

Thanks Cassie! Definitely food for thought.

*trigger warning talks about suicidal parts/alters*

lc and luna used to be suicidal. suicidal alters aren't parts to fear! they're parts to be loved! it can be scary when you know they want to die and they might not be thinking of anyone else at the moment but they want to die becuse they're so hurt and sad. they need love and care and understanding and aceptance just like you do, just like any other part does. they've been so hurt and sad and stuff that they don't want to live anymore. that's sad to me, not scary. and just like how a angry part can learn how to be safe and express their anger in safe ways, a suicidal part can learn how to express their pain and sadness in safe ways. i know that now that luna and lc have been acepted and understood and teached safer ways to express themselves they've decided/realized that suicide was kinda selfish of them. not only cuz it would affect the others in the body/mind, but becuse no matter what they would be affecting someone in a negative way, like a doctor who tried to save them or a police officer who found them or sumthing like that. and now that they've been loved and cared for and shown that they're not worthless and that life isn't all bad they're not as suicidal anymore. healing is still possible for suicidal parts and they deserve to heal just like everyone else.


-cassie

boopsy26 wrote:Thanks Cassie! Definitely food for thought.

you're welcome!

*trigger warning talks about "lost" parts and suicidal parts and mentions religion*

i felt so sad when we found kyra and she was so confused. she didn't know she had DID or anything, she didn't know that she still had voices, she thawt she had been living her own life when really it turned out that she was "living" in her "own reality" "inside"/in our "inner/mental world", and she was so scared and confused about what was going on when she came out and was "back to 8th grade". all her memories still get confusing to her sumtimes cuz some are real and some aren't and she dusn't go "inside" 'to our "inner world" like the rest of us do and she dusn't have much communication with us so things are really confusing and stuff to her. it's like us back when we first started getting aware and learning all over again and i felt so bad for her becuse it's not really fair that we know a lot and she has to go threw it all as if it's new again. she's really scared of some of the others becuse she never knew they were there and she has a hard time see that we're all parts of the same person and i feel bad becuse we've all come to terms with that and she now has to go threw the process everyone else has already gone threw. but i know she can do it and i know things will get better with time and stuff. i just feel sad for her sumtimes becuse it's not fair that things are so hard for her and so much easier for the rest of us. even thou cassandra gets really overwhelmed sumtimes as the host/main one out she still at least knows what's going on and can hear us and has communication with us and stuff. kyra dusn't. not inside or outside. well she can hear us when she's out but only some of us and not that well sumtimes. so yeah. it can be the same for some parts inside as it can be for those outside. it's not always easy being out and it's not always easy being in.


i felt so sad when i learned that lc and luna wanted to die. i wanted to die when i was 5 but that's cuz i wanted to go see Jesus and be with God. but when i learned that there were parts of us that we didn't really know how hurt they were until they showed they were suicidal, i felt so sad. all i could think about was how tuff it must've been for them. being alone and suicidal and having to carry so much pain and sadness that it makes them want to die. and us not knowing about it! i felt so sad that i didn't know a part of us was so hurt and sad that they wanted to die. now that we know about them we can help them and they can start healing and want to die less. since we've been helping them and caring for them and teaching them safe ways to express their feelings they've been a lot less suicidal.


-cassie

Thank you Cassie for everything you said.
It makes me feel... guilty? I don't know. It makes me feel sad. I can't really say what it makes me feel like. You are definitely right about it.

When I didn't know they were real... persons? I wanted them to go away. That is what I feel guilty about. I haven't accepted as they are.
And I think there are more, more scared children. I'm almost sure about it. I really want to get to know them!

oaktree wrote:Thank you Cassie for everything you said.
It makes me feel... guilty? I don't know. It makes me feel sad. I can't really say what it makes me feel like. You are definitely right about it.

When I didn't know they were real... persons? I wanted them to go away. That is what I feel guilty about. I haven't accepted as they are.
And I think there are more, more scared children. I'm almost sure about it. I really want to get to know them!

don't be guilt or sad! you didn't know and that's not your fault. no one can fault you for realizing new stuff and learning new stuff that you didn't know before! and being guilty and sad won't help you or the others. it's ok to be a little guilty or sad cuz that's normal but don't let it eat you up cuz that won't help anyone.

when cassandra thawt they were just voices she wanted us to go away too. but i don't blame her or anything like that cuz we were annoying as just voices!! and that wasn't anyone's fault! all that's important is that you try to change with the new things you learn and realize and that you keep yourself open for learning and aceptance and understanding of any part you hear/get to know! oh and patience would be important too cuz sumtimes you gotta wait for the others to be ready even thou you feel ready. and sumtimes it's not either one! i know that cassandra sumtimes wonders why more others didn't come forward when she moved out on her own and sumtimes she wonders if it was becuse of her or anything like that and it wasn't. i've heard marie and hawk talk about enviroment and how that can be a facter too in parts coming forward. there's lots of stuff that can be facters in parts feeling ok about coming forward so don't go thinking it's always you or them or sumthing. sumtimes all that's needed is just some time too!

-cassie