20 years of Denial coming to an end *Trigger Warning*

Almost 20 years ago, I was diagnosed with DID. My soon to be ex-husband and I went to see a counselor together to see if there was any way to work things out. I knew something was up whenever the counselor called him back to talk to him first. After about 30 minutes, I was called back. We chatted for a few minutes before the counselor told me that I had "multiple personalities" and was "frigid."

I got mad and cussed him out, walking out on the session and driving straight to my attorney's office to have him file for the divorce. That counselor did not know me and had barely even talked to me. As far as I was concerned, my ex was just setting things up to have me labeled as crazy in order to try to win the 12 year custody battle that followed.

Fast forward 20 years. After decades of denial, things finally came to a head. I came to in the middle of my husband struggling to take a gun away from me. I *knew* I was trying to kill myself even though I am not suicidal in the least bit. Needless to say, it freaked me out very badly. My husband asked me to go get some help. I agreed.

I went to the doctor and was put on anti-depressants and started seeing a counselor. After months of counseling, my T diagnosed me as having depression and PTSD. During my last visit just a few days ago, I took a huge leap of faith and told the T about my blackouts, my struggle with the gun, and the fact that I had just figured out that I had been having sex with my husband that I knew absolutely nothing about. I have been trying for four months to talk to my T about it.

Now that I have talked to my T about it, the conversations in my head have become all one sided. I haven't had a blackout that I know of. It's just like everything has completely stopped. Now I'm wondering if I have made something out of nothing.

I didn't tell my T about the diagnosis 20 years ago because I just don't think it's possible to diagnose someone after just a few minutes of talking. My T said that it is something he will begin testing me for and gave me and my husband an assignment to write down every episode either of us notice along with whatever I remember before, after, and during these times. But so far, I have nothing at all to report. I just feel so alone and exposed.

I'm sorry to hear about this experience with the gun... that sounds terrifying!

As for the recent disclosure and ensuing quiet- That sounds very familiar. I go through this cycle over and over and over again. I tell my T everything is quiet, I am better, it was all made up, this is silly, etc., etc., etc. Weeks go by and all is 'normal'. Until it isn't. That's when the voices come back, the impulses to do things so foreign to me that I feel possessed threaten to take over, I find holes in my memory, people report odd things I've done that I have no recollection of, and nightmares/flashbacks start occurring regularly. Then I come back to therapy, expose myself, feel vulnerable and stupid, and tell him of what is happening only to have it all disappear again as soon as I've spoken. I've come to think of it as a system that stays happy so long as it is not being ignored. Once it is being addressed and spoken of, and once the system's concerns are being heard, then it doesn't need to take over my life and create chaos and torture. But, as soon as I start to ignore it and deny it, my system's vengeance leaves no room for doubt.

I'm sorry for babbling about my own experience, but sometimes it helps to know that your experience is shared by others. It's scary to speak of the unspoken- especially when so much doubt is so prevalent. I do believe that this is a disorder of denial first and foremost. It sounds like you are starting to get the help you need, and you have a husband who is supportive at the same time. It may be scary, and may leave you feeling vulnerable, but it may be the chance for you to finally heal.

Yes, that first diagnosis was far too fast in my opinion. But that doesn't make your current experiences any less real.

Remember, there IS something going on. ** trigger warning ** People don't normally try to commit suicide out of nowhere without feeling suicidal. ** end trigger ** And the fact you couldn't tell your T is a strong sign too (I can't talk about anything DID related, but I can write about it). And feeling like it is all made up - I think everyone with DID has been there.

Yes, I have the same thing with the DID symptoms. Every obvious sign of DID/PTSD (time loss, flashbacks, nightmares) happens a few times and disappears again. That makes accepting hard. Maybe, when I would deny the whole thing it all comes back. But I can't because others will tell me what they want me to do... in my head. So I can't really deny it.

I was also struggeling with denial yesterday: All so surreal (venting) *TW see post*

I don't know how well it goes between your previous husband and you, but it may be interesting to know what he has told the counselor back then.

Hi Carol! You have come to the right place. We can totally relate to your story. Everything you describe is well within normal limits for DID.

For what it's worth, persons who are sensitive to DID often can tell on first meeting that another person has DID. I have come out to many friends, co-workers, and acquaintances, and a depressing number of them responded "Yes, and...?" Now that I am aware of my DID and the many signs and symptoms, I know that indeed I do frequently display signs. Only, most people don't recognize the signs. DID has to be extremely overt before most laypeople are able to figure it out. Also, I have noticed overt DID in other people who, as far as I know, are unaware of their condition.

CarolLorac wrote:Now that I have talked to my T about it, the conversations in my head have become all one sided. I haven't had a blackout that I know of. It's just like everything has completely stopped. Now I'm wondering if I have made something out of nothing.

Stay with it. Your insiders are just laying low, waiting to see what happens. They do this when spooked. Mine do this frequently and let me tell you it majorly pisses me off that they can check out and take a break whenever they want, leaving me to cope with everything.

CarolLorac wrote:My T said that it is something he will begin testing me for and gave me and my husband an assignment to write down every episode either of us notice along with whatever I remember before, after, and during these times. But so far, I have nothing at all to report. I just feel so alone and exposed.

It sounds like you have a good T. If you keep a daily log and your husband looks at it regularly, you will find lost time. You already know you have been losing time during sex with him. There is no hurry, is there? All will become clear.

Thanks for the responses. As far as the suicide attempt, my husband tells me that during the 17 years we have been married, I have always had a suicidal part and that when it is out, he has to watch me like a hawk. I don't know how possible it is to sabotage your own blacked out suicide attempt, but my husband said that when he got the gun away from me, it was empty and all of the bullets for every gun were missing out of the gun cabinet. I later found them hidden in a storage tub inside of our closet and he swears he didn't put them there.

My H and I have been talking about what he has noticed over the years so I'm just now getting a glimpse of how much I don't know about myself. Since I was a teenager, I dismissed it whenever people I didn't know would come up to me, insisting that I know them. I just assumed they were confusing me with my sister. Now I'm not so sure.

In writing this response, I just lost two hours from the time I started it until this sentence. Evidently, I felt like giving my daughter and myself a facial so now I look like Shrek in my green facial mask. Nice.

CarolLorac wrote:I don't know how possible it is to sabotage your own blacked out suicide attempt, but my husband said that when he got the gun away from me, it was empty and all of the bullets for every gun were missing out of the gun cabinet. I later found them hidden in a storage tub inside of our closet and he swears he didn't put them there.

This could mean there is another alter that has saved you! This is a good sign!

CarolLorac wrote:Since I was a teenager, I dismissed it whenever people I didn't know would come up to me, insisting that I know them. I just assumed they were confusing me with my sister. Now I'm not so sure.

Sounds familiar. I also meet people who insist they know me... but I don't know them! Or I know who they are but don't recognize them.

Yup, it sounds like you have parts who are aware and foiling other parts. Even if they are hiding from you, all quiet, you can still talk to them. For example, you could thank the one who hid the bullets from you.

Many of us lose time now and then when posting here on the DID Forum. Describing dissociative symptoms often is enough to activate our dissociative defenses, at first. And at first we tend to be phobic about it. But consider what happened while you were gone: some part of you enjoyed a self-care activity with your daughter.

Safe hugs if wanted!

It is kind of a relief to know that part of me saved me from another part of me. I do wish my husband would have let me know that little detail sooner, but I guess it is a good thing that he didn't. I might not have been able to force myself to talk to my T about it had I known the gun wasn't loaded.

It's just been so eerie. I have a dream world that I have gone to every night since I was a little girl. It was much smaller at first, but has grown considerably over the years. For the past two nights, my dream world has been completely abandoned except for me. I can't help but wonder if the people in my dream world could possibly be parts of me in real life. If so, I might possibly already know them. That's something to think about.

It is possible that that dream world is your inner world, the place alters go when they are not in control. Not everyone has such a place. This thread might be helpful:
dissociative-identity/topic97692.html glad to have my alters!
And if you haven't seen it already, here is a collection of threads by subject and a few resource websites:
dissociative-identity/topic100829.html *DDNOS/DID RESOURCES: symptoms, common questions, etc.*
There have been instances of people meeting alters in dreams, so that's possible:
dissociative-identity/topic101176.html My Experiment

CarolLorac, it is so nice to see you back here again (in another thread). It has been a few months. How've you been?