So I'm not sure where to start. Basically just feeling entirely helpless and small today. There is so much darkness in the world... and there's really not much I can do about it is there?

I read through some of the forums, and I see people breaking down from one affliction or another, and a part of me so wants to reach out and help. But then I remember how badly that always works out for me, and I just don't. The more you try to help the more you end up being torn apart.

I'm already split, cracked, fractured... damaged goods. I hate it, and I hate to see others suffering, but what am I supposed to do? I'm not smart enough. I'm not good enough. I can't love deeply enough. I'm just not enough. If I were whole I could do something.

But I'm not. They broke me into little fragments, shards of brittle glass and all it would take is one misstep and we'd be crushed again. So tired of feeling this way.

I don't feel depressed... I'm sure I sound it reading this but I'm not really feeling that. I just feel helpless... like I want to do or say something but I don't have the words or know how to act to make a difference. Like there's not enough energy inside me to run and care for everyone who needs it, and if I tried I'd just end up falling apart again. All this potential energy for change, but no direction. If that makes sense at all.

I've done a pretty good job taking care of everyone but me throughout my life. I've always put others first and foremost and always minimized my own needs. But then when I try and come out with something I need, even if it's small... I get shut out. I get treated like I'm bad. Like I'm no good. Even in a place where I'm supposed to be safe, supposed to feel free to speak my mind and whatever is on my heart, I don't feel free.

I haven't slept through a Saturday in a long time, but I'm not sure there's anything else to do today. Maybe tomorrow my collective self will be stitched back together enough to hold me up. Today is just too murky to bother with. I'm never the hero of my own story... but some days I really want to be. Is it possible to want something so bad and so much with your whole heart, that it comes into being?

I dunno. But a part of me still dreams maybe it is. I don't want to be the Gollum/Smeagol of this journey... I want to be Aragorn.

Peace.