My mental illness destroyed many areas of my life; 2 specific areas; the ability to get involved in activities and relationships!

I bitch about the situations I have with women! the main problem is; Im never able to interact in time to save a beginning relationship! what does this mean?! She might show signs of interest! However, to feel safe, I wait; at that moment Im finally ready to make a move; she is with another man or she is aligning with other men; mirroring them! and for me; its over! I pull back and wont go any further! Ive got to be with people I trust! and I don't trust that behavior! and I never will!

Activities; A huge problem arises with activities! I have interests! makes no difference; I can hardly perform or get involved in anything! Im trying to change! Im working it with a therapist! meaning this! Im an artist and Im taking the small amount of work I create; Im taking it into the therapists office to discuss it! Im attempting to find out whats wrong! why am I not able to get into my work! I can only make art when Im at a 12 step group with people around; I feel safe! when the meetings over, I wont work on any art!

Music; I hardly write music! I like to write music! I don't feel safe writing music! I don't feel safe! I could or would love to write music all day long! but I don't! or wont! and yet; I like doing it!

The goal, working with the therapist; find out why Im creating so very little music! what happened to me that I cant do what i want to do on a daily basis! I would create music 18 hours a day if I loved doing it! part of me loves doing it and can see an end in it! However; What is the end goal! this is a problem! I have no vision for my music! or the music! I have many problems associated with music! my mind is blank and shut down and shut off, and confused and abused and dissociative!

Some people like to work on cars; some like to dance; some like to write music! but i cant write music because the end result will not justify the means; the work!
I seem to want fortune and fame from it! I want to look good! be popular from it! I thought I liked making music! I wanted to be popular! If you take the social end of things from making music; would I like making it! I don't know! maybe it causes torture! thats how it feels! lots of PTSD is brought up!

I hope I can come up with answers!

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The same anger resides through activities and relationships!

The same inability to be a part of relationships plagues my ability in the activities! the core is tortured and torched and in rage level pain! I have no tolerance any longer for games by anyone for any reason!

To interact with things is very difficult! and I don't know why I'm not actively committed to doing what I love to do! maybe its a self hate philosophy! I don't think Im good enough or worthy of success so I cant do anything! I know something is wrong!