I fell asleep around ten p.m. and woke around one in the morning. If it the same as last night, I will doze off again around five a.m. and wake around ten a.m.
I don't feel much of a difference on the Lexapro but I only cried once today and I was definitely more stable, with no angry outbursts. It's probably the placebo effect but I will take it.
This whole Lupus thing is freaking me out and I feel alone. Anytime I try to talk to a family member or friend about it, I hear, "Mm, I don't think you have it." I know they are saying it out of a place of love, but it's not exactly helping me process it. Sometimes you just want an ear instead of an opinion.
Tomorrow I have a Gastroenterologist appointment. (I have had IBS-like symptoms since 2010) After trying every diet modification under the sun, I am finally seeing another doctor. The GI doctor who I saw while I was in college told me things like: "It's a college problem; I see it all of the time yada yada yada I'm a total schmuck." At one point he mislead me to an addiction recovery office. In his defense I was clearly struggling with addiction issues but if you go into a doctor to be treated for the runs and abdominal cramps, the last thing you need is another kick to the gut.
When I heard that I might have Lupus, it empowered me to make other positive choices for my health, like making the GI appointment. For anyone who has struggled with GI issues, I know that you understand how dismissive the medical community and others can be. I am terrified that I will be laughed out of the office, but maybe this doctor will be awesome and efficient. Best case scenario: the colonoscopy shows nothing and we chalk it up to anxiety which riddled the mind gut connection to the point of extreme stomach distress.
The other step for tomorrow is to find a psychiatrist. I have a referral from my psychologist. I have fought this for almost six months but if I really want to give up weed, then I will need to medicate with legal substances. Plus I quit my job as a dog walker today, and if I want to get a decent job then the first step is getting stable. We will see what Lexapro does, but a mood stabilizer could do me wonders. I don't crave to get high when I take them. I can't write for $%^& on those drugs but if I want to get out of my parents, I need a great-paying job. That won't happen without stability and good heath.
Rheumatology, gastroenterology, psychiatry. I know I sound like a hypochondriac and lord knows I've been treated like one, but if I don't advocate for myself, then who will? Plus if I worried too much about what others thought, I'd never get anything done.
I'm taking care of this $%#^ now so that I can have a job after the holidays.