Today was better than expected. To spend time with my siblings and niece and nephew makes everything worth it.

The only problem is that my sister found me passed out on the bathroom floor about thirty minutes ago. I'm not even that drunk but I am starting to see that my drinking is a problem.

Well I had a great day despite my dad being in a $^&* ##$ mood. So... I don't care that he slammed the door as he went to bed. My sister and brother are coming in to town tomorrow and I could not be any happier! YAY happy holidays everyone

Last night I was out of weed and I felt out of control and overwhelmed. Usually when this happens, I get in my car and drive. You can drive for hours and think of nothing except the road.

I've had suicidal thoughts and panic attacks since May. I've learned different ways to handle them- one of them being always having a couple Klonopin on hand. Last night I didn't have one and I started panicking while driving.

I wept and yelled, "I wish I was dead. I want to be dead. I am tired of this." I couldn't get the memories out of my head and I didn't want to live with them sober.

I prayed to God, I said, "Help me. Please help me."

Well, I'm not saying that God got in touch with one of my best friends but... my best friend called me and despite not being able to hear a word I said through my weeping she told me to come over.

The moment I walked into her house, warm & messy and lived in and cozy and her little baby looked up at me with elmo pants, my worries washed away.

My friend and I talked for a moment and I explained to her the crazy thoughts going through my head: the separation I feel between trying to forgive my mother and let her live in the midst of living in the house that brings back terrible memories for me. She understands because she has own story of abuse and talking to her is one of the only things that keeps me sane.

She made dinner and I sat at her kitchen counter thinking about how blessed I am to have a friends like this. Her fiancé came home, and as usual, the moment he walks in the door he has the widest smile you've seen in the world, he opens his arms real big and swoops his two year old in his arms. She giggles and smiles a big toothless smile.

I watch my best friend and her fiancé swarm around their little one, showering their girl in hugs and kisses, she throws her head back and laughs. She knows she is loved by her parents. I know I am loved by my friends. In this moment, I understand what family is.

I would be lost without my friends. Every time that I am on the edge, they pull me back and remind me of why I am here. To love and be loved and to experience every low and high that life has to offer. Yesterday was the anniversary of my friend's death. Cancer took him from us 4 years ago. He's still here, seen in my best friend's sobriety, in her little girl, in the way her laughter lights up a room. We miss you so much, Jay, and we are so much stronger for having known you.

writing that last night. must stop drinking...