I also suffer from sexual disorders, and mood, sleep, well, you see the blue topics up above, right? I can't pick one and say I don't have it. They are all spread over my alters, or more accurately but probably not considering how vague ddnos-1 is, personality states. Now, I would seek help, if it would help. I have read up and know that my co-morbidity really makes my prognosis slim, add that to the fact I would have to use my schools counselors which are the how was your day type, not really psychiatrists, those that would help because i go to a boarding school. Add to that that I am not out of the abusive environment, and would have to work with my abusers in this to be able to do it, my prognosis according to one site is...0. I just don't have time for help, considering how busy I am and the chances of it helping, but I also don't have time not too. I managed this far by myself, but it has killed me. This site really relieved me too. Now, even though my self-esteem is in the negatives, I do not attempt suicide or self-mutilate. Of course, I think about it several times a day since I was about six, every day. I also have been on many ledges, guns in my mouth, and knives to my wrist, but I have never done it because I know the trouble it would cause my family, and those I care about. If I did die, they would be hurt tremendously, but if I was only hurt, not only would it hurt them but I would be forced into "help" and would lose my chances at my one goal in life, which deserves its own post, and wouldnt have any reason for getting help then. My sole purpose for living until about this or last year was my brother. He has been with me through most of my childhood nightmare. He has his own scars, though I feel I have gotten the brunt of this bad dream. If my older brother had died in the many times where he could of, no one would have stopped me from ending it all. Fantasizing about it though, was one of my only sources of happiness. Once I realized that, though, I knew I couldnt kill myself because that was what I wanted. I deserve to live through this nightmare forever. It is quite hard when pain brings you happiness, so if i am happy, is that the ultimate punishment? It is an endless cycle, and I realized I should just not exist. I am an agnostic, so I openly admit I have no idea what is after this life, but I am quite logically sure that there is an afterlife. If anyone would like to hear the numerous SCIENTIFIC reasons god has to exist, sadly, then talk to me sometime. Hell is not good enough, I would get to suffer, but I would still exist. The ultimate punishment is erasure, which is what I ask god to do to me everyday. I know that that is pretty morbid, but that is what it is. At lunch, I pray to whatever is out there to do this, while sitting next to all my friends. This, of course, makes me feel guilty, considering how kind they are. Actually, all kindness makes me hurt and hate myself more. When someone says, "good job" I get depressed and feel guilty. I realized I was doomed the first time that realization hit me. The way I see it, how could someone like me, when I am not even a concrete person but fragments, and I have so many problems? I am positive there are people here who have more or have had worse, but they deserve love, I dont. Now, I have this feeling no matter what, I no that logically why am I different, why do they deserve happiness but not me, yet the facts of feelings are there. Besides, I only have one side out when I am with those I like, so they do not know most of me, so they only like a part. If I let that part date, then I would end up being a huge polygimist. I do not feel that that is wrong considering it is a lifestyle, but I do not feel that having me live as a bunch of fragments is either okay or good for them or me. Thats assuming that both them and I am ok with it. I dont deserve one person, so many is not an option. Anyway, I have not said a thing about my history, but...

[ Continued ]

so, these things need to be approved, so I might just be writing for no reason, but the thought of writing a lot and losing it kind of excites me. I am a little, just a little of course, sadomasochistic. Now, this isnt one side is both, but one is a sadist and another or more because I cant keep track, is masochistic. I guess that works well in an abusive system. Anyway, I have never been dx with anything considering that I have never talked to a professional about this, but I have done my research. I am a scientist, most of me anyway, and can be pretty objective of myself and I study thoroughly what i am interested in. Considering that it was me, I was very studious in my research. I have come to know that I have, of course I say this as a system, when really it is only certain parts, cyclic manic depression, or rapid bipolar. This is because of my constant switching. If I am too happy, a sad or abusive part will bring me back down. If I am too sad, a sarcastic or slightly crazy part, I use slightly very loosely, will bring me back up. I have OCD. Parts of me are the most typical kind that desire organization, but I also have a reverse OCD, I can not stand it if everything is neat and lined up. When I am like that instead of the normal OCD, I would be the guy that tilts pictures or makes things asymmetrical. This is not too bothersome considering my other issues, but I am sure it can be for others, especially my brother who is a firm average OCD. I also suffer from anxiety, on what level I do not know since when I do I dissociate and depersonalize. It goes without saying, but I also suffer from depersonalization disorder, and I am paranoid. I also have or had dyslexia. I do not know much about it, whether or not it is a cognitive disorder or what, because I only recently found out. My friend told me my grandfather had said, he was in a room talking to my friends grandparents, that I took special classes as a child to help with dyslexia. Now, I am an excellent student. Of course, I consider myself horrible and I hate doing well and I hate doing bad. I currently have an average GPA of 101 for my sophmore year in highschool. I do not study much and I do not really have any weaknesses subject wise. I excel in the sciences. It is funny, I hate seeing 100s on my paper, I dissociate and get depressed. If it isnt an A, same thing. I am comfortable getting a 94, though. Sometimes I wonder if I try to aim for that, lol. Of course, dissociating during tests, which is always, really gets in the way. My dissociative amnesia does not help either. I can not really remember that much of my life. Childhood is fragments, no pun intended but its there, and these past years are blurs too. The only memories I have are generally bad or told to me by others. It makes me kind of anxious, honestly, to think that if what I know is only a part of it and the rest is worse considering I blocked it out, what the heck happened?

So, I have never written a blog before but I figured it would be a good way to express myself and yadda yadda, so I apologize if and when it sucks, lol. Please bear with me. I figure I should write a little bit about myself. I guess I will start with my journey here. I joined this site about a year or two ago, I am bad with time. I was looking for psychology websites to talk to a psychiatrist online, but they either needed my money or other things so I didnt use them, and I winded up here. I have had a problem for a long time, as long as I can remember literally, and was looking for help finally. I didnt know it was a problem until i was about ten. I think. Dates and times are more of how I feel than actuality for me. I am 17 now, but I have yet to get the professional help that I should. I am pretty different most of the time, I was fascinated by things like DID since I was little. I am a bit of an oddball, but my friends generally like that I guess, since they are still my friends. Anyway, I used to envy those with DID, I wished that I had other parts to me and that I was never lonely. I also thought that having multi-faceted conversations in your head all day was normal too, so I was quite surprised when I researched it out of curiousity and found that, hey, I pretty much fit the bill. Now, I know that I am probably more ddnos-1 than DID, but that is only after two years of research and help with those here at the site. I actually laughed and forced myself to cry, which is weird I know but I do that sometimes to test the feeling and make sure that I still can, when I found that this matched me. I thought, you wanted it, here you go. Honestly, living with this gives me a great sense of shame, seeing as how it seperates me from others and I always feel like i am lying to them considering even I do not know who I am. I have not been able to distinguish when I am faking or actually feeling things because of all the acting I thought I did, later I realized all of it is real and kind of fake, depending on the view, lol. I wish that meant standing, but I am sure many people on this site know what I mean. I only thought I was faking, but I realize that my facade is its own side of me in its own right, just because I see it from a detached side all the time does not make it detached from me. I did, and still do, feel like the worst person on earth. I refrain from dating and generally punish myself for existing, which I again know a lot of you can connect with. The way I see it, I don't deserve to be happy as gods little screw-up, his obvious mistake, and so I am not good enough for anyone. If I like someone, then I am obviously really not good enough for them, considering that I feel they are special or nice and deserve me even less than others. Now, I make friends out of trying to be nice to others, I can't be nice and not have friends, it is just a byproduct. I already realize this blog is random, but I guess that makes since considering my condition. I do have sides of me that are generally good and deserve to be happy and like having friends, I let that part out when in the moment, but keep it in check. I really wish that those parts could break off and be their own people, live their own lives. But you know what they say, one bad bunch spoils the apple. I have actually planned on living my life alone since I was ten. Top off my condition with asexuality, and my agnostic beliefs, and I am quite the catch. generally, if I like someone I try to make them laugh and hook them up with other friends of mine I feel they would be good with. Kills me inside, but it is the only way I can help. I think I am too offtrack, lol, so back to finding this site. I guess I should post this first, in case something happens and I lose all of this.