So, I have never written a blog before but I figured it would be a good way to express myself and yadda yadda, so I apologize if and when it sucks, lol. Please bear with me. I figure I should write a little bit about myself. I guess I will start with my journey here. I joined this site about a year or two ago, I am bad with time. I was looking for psychology websites to talk to a psychiatrist online, but they either needed my money or other things so I didnt use them, and I winded up here. I have had a problem for a long time, as long as I can remember literally, and was looking for help finally. I didnt know it was a problem until i was about ten. I think. Dates and times are more of how I feel than actuality for me. I am 17 now, but I have yet to get the professional help that I should. I am pretty different most of the time, I was fascinated by things like DID since I was little. I am a bit of an oddball, but my friends generally like that I guess, since they are still my friends. Anyway, I used to envy those with DID, I wished that I had other parts to me and that I was never lonely. I also thought that having multi-faceted conversations in your head all day was normal too, so I was quite surprised when I researched it out of curiousity and found that, hey, I pretty much fit the bill. Now, I know that I am probably more ddnos-1 than DID, but that is only after two years of research and help with those here at the site. I actually laughed and forced myself to cry, which is weird I know but I do that sometimes to test the feeling and make sure that I still can, when I found that this matched me. I thought, you wanted it, here you go. Honestly, living with this gives me a great sense of shame, seeing as how it seperates me from others and I always feel like i am lying to them considering even I do not know who I am. I have not been able to distinguish when I am faking or actually feeling things because of all the acting I thought I did, later I realized all of it is real and kind of fake, depending on the view, lol. I wish that meant standing, but I am sure many people on this site know what I mean. I only thought I was faking, but I realize that my facade is its own side of me in its own right, just because I see it from a detached side all the time does not make it detached from me. I did, and still do, feel like the worst person on earth. I refrain from dating and generally punish myself for existing, which I again know a lot of you can connect with. The way I see it, I don't deserve to be happy as gods little screw-up, his obvious mistake, and so I am not good enough for anyone. If I like someone, then I am obviously really not good enough for them, considering that I feel they are special or nice and deserve me even less than others. Now, I make friends out of trying to be nice to others, I can't be nice and not have friends, it is just a byproduct. I already realize this blog is random, but I guess that makes since considering my condition. I do have sides of me that are generally good and deserve to be happy and like having friends, I let that part out when in the moment, but keep it in check. I really wish that those parts could break off and be their own people, live their own lives. But you know what they say, one bad bunch spoils the apple. I have actually planned on living my life alone since I was ten. Top off my condition with asexuality, and my agnostic beliefs, and I am quite the catch. generally, if I like someone I try to make them laugh and hook them up with other friends of mine I feel they would be good with. Kills me inside, but it is the only way I can help. I think I am too offtrack, lol, so back to finding this site. I guess I should post this first, in case something happens and I lose all of this.