so, these things need to be approved, so I might just be writing for no reason, but the thought of writing a lot and losing it kind of excites me. I am a little, just a little of course, sadomasochistic. Now, this isnt one side is both, but one is a sadist and another or more because I cant keep track, is masochistic. I guess that works well in an abusive system. Anyway, I have never been dx with anything considering that I have never talked to a professional about this, but I have done my research. I am a scientist, most of me anyway, and can be pretty objective of myself and I study thoroughly what i am interested in. Considering that it was me, I was very studious in my research. I have come to know that I have, of course I say this as a system, when really it is only certain parts, cyclic manic depression, or rapid bipolar. This is because of my constant switching. If I am too happy, a sad or abusive part will bring me back down. If I am too sad, a sarcastic or slightly crazy part, I use slightly very loosely, will bring me back up. I have OCD. Parts of me are the most typical kind that desire organization, but I also have a reverse OCD, I can not stand it if everything is neat and lined up. When I am like that instead of the normal OCD, I would be the guy that tilts pictures or makes things asymmetrical. This is not too bothersome considering my other issues, but I am sure it can be for others, especially my brother who is a firm average OCD. I also suffer from anxiety, on what level I do not know since when I do I dissociate and depersonalize. It goes without saying, but I also suffer from depersonalization disorder, and I am paranoid. I also have or had dyslexia. I do not know much about it, whether or not it is a cognitive disorder or what, because I only recently found out. My friend told me my grandfather had said, he was in a room talking to my friends grandparents, that I took special classes as a child to help with dyslexia. Now, I am an excellent student. Of course, I consider myself horrible and I hate doing well and I hate doing bad. I currently have an average GPA of 101 for my sophmore year in highschool. I do not study much and I do not really have any weaknesses subject wise. I excel in the sciences. It is funny, I hate seeing 100s on my paper, I dissociate and get depressed. If it isnt an A, same thing. I am comfortable getting a 94, though. Sometimes I wonder if I try to aim for that, lol. Of course, dissociating during tests, which is always, really gets in the way. My dissociative amnesia does not help either. I can not really remember that much of my life. Childhood is fragments, no pun intended but its there, and these past years are blurs too. The only memories I have are generally bad or told to me by others. It makes me kind of anxious, honestly, to think that if what I know is only a part of it and the rest is worse considering I blocked it out, what the heck happened?