I also suffer from sexual disorders, and mood, sleep, well, you see the blue topics up above, right? I can't pick one and say I don't have it. They are all spread over my alters, or more accurately but probably not considering how vague ddnos-1 is, personality states. Now, I would seek help, if it would help. I have read up and know that my co-morbidity really makes my prognosis slim, add that to the fact I would have to use my schools counselors which are the how was your day type, not really psychiatrists, those that would help because i go to a boarding school. Add to that that I am not out of the abusive environment, and would have to work with my abusers in this to be able to do it, my prognosis according to one site is...0. I just don't have time for help, considering how busy I am and the chances of it helping, but I also don't have time not too. I managed this far by myself, but it has killed me. This site really relieved me too. Now, even though my self-esteem is in the negatives, I do not attempt suicide or self-mutilate. Of course, I think about it several times a day since I was about six, every day. I also have been on many ledges, guns in my mouth, and knives to my wrist, but I have never done it because I know the trouble it would cause my family, and those I care about. If I did die, they would be hurt tremendously, but if I was only hurt, not only would it hurt them but I would be forced into "help" and would lose my chances at my one goal in life, which deserves its own post, and wouldnt have any reason for getting help then. My sole purpose for living until about this or last year was my brother. He has been with me through most of my childhood nightmare. He has his own scars, though I feel I have gotten the brunt of this bad dream. If my older brother had died in the many times where he could of, no one would have stopped me from ending it all. Fantasizing about it though, was one of my only sources of happiness. Once I realized that, though, I knew I couldnt kill myself because that was what I wanted. I deserve to live through this nightmare forever. It is quite hard when pain brings you happiness, so if i am happy, is that the ultimate punishment? It is an endless cycle, and I realized I should just not exist. I am an agnostic, so I openly admit I have no idea what is after this life, but I am quite logically sure that there is an afterlife. If anyone would like to hear the numerous SCIENTIFIC reasons god has to exist, sadly, then talk to me sometime. Hell is not good enough, I would get to suffer, but I would still exist. The ultimate punishment is erasure, which is what I ask god to do to me everyday. I know that that is pretty morbid, but that is what it is. At lunch, I pray to whatever is out there to do this, while sitting next to all my friends. This, of course, makes me feel guilty, considering how kind they are. Actually, all kindness makes me hurt and hate myself more. When someone says, "good job" I get depressed and feel guilty. I realized I was doomed the first time that realization hit me. The way I see it, how could someone like me, when I am not even a concrete person but fragments, and I have so many problems? I am positive there are people here who have more or have had worse, but they deserve love, I dont. Now, I have this feeling no matter what, I no that logically why am I different, why do they deserve happiness but not me, yet the facts of feelings are there. Besides, I only have one side out when I am with those I like, so they do not know most of me, so they only like a part. If I let that part date, then I would end up being a huge polygimist. I do not feel that that is wrong considering it is a lifestyle, but I do not feel that having me live as a bunch of fragments is either okay or good for them or me. Thats assuming that both them and I am ok with it. I dont deserve one person, so many is not an option. Anyway, I have not said a thing about my history, but that will be posted some other time, I am tired and dreading going back to school tomorrow, since christmas break is ending. Thanks if you read these, and thanks if you didnt, either way.