It has been a very long time since anyone has journaled/blogged. Almost a year ago, a family member took the journals (about 5 years of daily writing) out of the house and we have not seen them since.

For the one who journals the most, not only was this devastating, but it left her unable to get anything out on paper. Just recentlly, she has started using the laptop for a bit of writing...this is a start at least.

We have found this site to be helpful. Some are even talking to the therapist...and in 5 years, they have never been present to do so. What a fabulous thing to know that there are others out there who have expieriences so very close to our own. The goal is to make this a daily part of the routine, even if it always stays short and sweet

Right so I figure I may as well try out this blogging thingy.

To be honest its a crap day; and a crap week; crap few weeks actually; but particularly the last few days.

I've spent the weekend avoiding sexual contact with my girlfriend so that she doesn't realise I've started to harm again; and then blown little arguements up to huge proportions to buy some time on that. Bizarrely; I actually havn't cut since the realisation of how difficult it is to hide from a sexual partner.

But last night she came round to talk as things have been weird recently and she's apparently worried. She's noticed my eating pattern is strange. I think she thinks I'm just working to hard; and grabbing food on the go and then trying to healthy in between; which is her interpretation of the parts she has seen of my pruge binge cycle. She also said i seem down. (guess i'm not as good an actress as I thought I was). I was honest to a point; I was honest that I was having some problems with my weight and that I had put some on which wasn't helping the eating habits. But then she raised the fact that we hadn't had sex for nearly 3 weeks; and was hoping it wasn't because I was paranoid about what she had said a few weeks ago.

She gave me a perfect excuse; so I took it. She was there trying to make up after I had fallen out with her over an off hand comment that I had put on some weight; which I had only fell out with her over as a diversion tactic; and there she was giving me another perfect excuse. I wouldn't say I've lied... but I've been cruel and placed the fault for the downward turn in our sex life onto her.

The excuse she gave me was from a conversation a few weeks ago after we'd had sex; and I had bled slightly - which happens a lot. In frustration she had a vent about how annoying my scar tissue was and how much of a pain it was that she was always so conscious of not hurting me and all that. (with some unkind descriptions too) The comments hurt; but I've always had hangups about that so it wasn't particularly damming to me. But now she thinks it was.

Now I'm racked with guilt.

On top of that I don't think I've ever been more stressed at work; I've worked 12-15 hour days for months chasing a promotion; and now it looks really likely that someone underqualified, underexperienced that is gormless and inefficient is going to get it instead.

I feel really worthless right now; and like the world is looking at me like I'm something nasty they have just trodden in.

Today started out a bit hectic... was selected for jury duty this week and today was the first day. Nothing more fun than sitting in a room with 100 people waiting to be called into a courtroom...lol So the procedure was supposed to be that I call in at 8am. Checked the website and found out I was supposed to be AT THE COURTHOUSE at 8... oopsy daisy! So got down there a bit late. Wasn't selected for today's trials and the judge released us for the day, so am on-call for the rest of the week. I think I am quite possibly the only person in America that WANTS to be on a jury... like psychology, I find the court system extremely interesting. Maybe I'll get a chance later in the week, as they know for sure there's a jury trial set for Thursday... and I now know I need to be there at precisely 8am...lol.

Not too much else going on today. Have started working out (weight training) again. Feels sooooo good to be doing that again! A couple of years ago I was living in Japan and was seriously into fitness. I was AMAZINGLY fit then. Now that I know my body's capabilities (and that I'm feeling MUCH better in mind and spirit) I've decided to get back into it. Also got back to my clean diet from my bodybuilding days, so today I may venture into the kitchen and prepare some veggie salads I've bought all the veggies for.

Anyhoo... that's about it for now. Nothing bad, nothing great... BALANCED. I think this is what it's all about!!!

Happy Tuesday, all!
-Koshka

How strange that I just start a blog on blog-spot and now I have a blog on here too! I think this is a great setting to have though, it saves the random moaning I want to do, I seem forums more for where to find answers but I really want to just share I guess. Or just get all these annoying thoughts out my head.
Things haven't been great for the past few days, my memories have been buzzing around in my head and I'm trying to work through it. My fiancé is coming home from hospital for a little while today and he asked for oral sex. So due to how I have been feeling this will be tough but I think that maybe if I perform sexual acts at times like these them maybe the negative feelings about it will go away? I love my fiancé very much and I do have sexual urges but sex just feels wrong after everything that has happened. He says we should talk about what happened more, I can through texting or writing or typing but face to face the shame is there for him to see, I feel too vulnerable. At least when we text there is that space between us and I can pretend it never happened. I want to give these things a try for him mainly I wont lie about that. I just don't want to push myself too far and end up crying and panicking.
If only I had the answers. I'm feeling a little better today than I have the past two days which is nice, the momentum in my head seems to be slowing, I think my dad is worried about me though. He's noticed I'm not eating, drinking or sleeping properly and calls me everyday to ask how I am. He's so happy I've stopped self harming though. It made him cry, I hated to see him hurting like that but if I didn't use that to cope I would have killed myself, that I am sure of. Now I am past the worst of things I am not sure what to do with my suicide box, I keep my razors for comfort for the future but 45 paracetamol? Not sure what to do.
Anyway he's home now so I'm going to go spend some time with him and see how things roll.

PEACE OUT!!

Amber XxX

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