Right so I figure I may as well try out this blogging thingy.

To be honest its a crap day; and a crap week; crap few weeks actually; but particularly the last few days.

I've spent the weekend avoiding sexual contact with my girlfriend so that she doesn't realise I've started to harm again; and then blown little arguements up to huge proportions to buy some time on that. Bizarrely; I actually havn't cut since the realisation of how difficult it is to hide from a sexual partner.

But last night she came round to talk as things have been weird recently and she's apparently worried. She's noticed my eating pattern is strange. I think she thinks I'm just working to hard; and grabbing food on the go and then trying to healthy in between; which is her interpretation of the parts she has seen of my pruge binge cycle. She also said i seem down. (guess i'm not as good an actress as I thought I was). I was honest to a point; I was honest that I was having some problems with my weight and that I had put some on which wasn't helping the eating habits. But then she raised the fact that we hadn't had sex for nearly 3 weeks; and was hoping it wasn't because I was paranoid about what she had said a few weeks ago.

She gave me a perfect excuse; so I took it. She was there trying to make up after I had fallen out with her over an off hand comment that I had put on some weight; which I had only fell out with her over as a diversion tactic; and there she was giving me another perfect excuse. I wouldn't say I've lied... but I've been cruel and placed the fault for the downward turn in our sex life onto her.

The excuse she gave me was from a conversation a few weeks ago after we'd had sex; and I had bled slightly - which happens a lot. In frustration she had a vent about how annoying my scar tissue was and how much of a pain it was that she was always so conscious of not hurting me and all that. (with some unkind descriptions too) The comments hurt; but I've always had hangups about that so it wasn't particularly damming to me. But now she thinks it was.

Now I'm racked with guilt.

On top of that I don't think I've ever been more stressed at work; I've worked 12-15 hour days for months chasing a promotion; and now it looks really likely that someone underqualified, underexperienced that is gormless and inefficient is going to get it instead.

I feel really worthless right now; and like the world is looking at me like I'm something nasty they have just trodden in.