So, Ive just stumbled upon this site, the forum, the blogs, etc. of course I wouldn't have stumbled upon anything if I wasn't out there looking for something to stumble upon. I was trying to find information on BPD, and I found this. So I guess that is mission accomplished. I know im going to have a lot of things to type about here... but now is not the time... so I shall return....

I am needy. no question about it; I need attention; I need love; Im trying to transfer it to the universe; get my love and attention from the universe; its hard to trust the universe; where was the universe when I was a boy; I seriously do not understand; Im not stupid; I don't care about facts or wisdom; where was the universe and why wasn’t I saved; I don't get it.
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I was taught to trust nothing; love nothing; thats whats happened. I was never given a break. Other people could make mistakes and come back and get more; not me; any mistakes I make and Im out permanently. I guess I had no value or status; nothing.
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At first I was taught to trust everything; and then I had everything destroyed out from under me. I was surrounded by losers and they took advantage of me and ate me alive; destroyed me; trampled me under their feet; turned and tore me to pieces.
Im going crazy right now; Im around all the wrong people as I get stronger but have nowhere to go; Im trapped in this little apartment; I don't have any friends and nowhere to go; I just don't; I go to meetings; thats it; Im trying to learn to graduate from it; but where do I go. Im not working anywhere and have no money; so; Im working with the universe to get more money; or a better life or plan but nothing has shown up. I don't get it. I report as it is. Im working with the universe;; hopefully the universe will snap in and get me the things I asked for. Im not sure why its taking so long.
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One of the problems is belief; I don't trust anything or anyone; nothing; I see through everything; I dont want any of it because I have little of a home base that is safe.
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Why cant I have a house like everyone else. or a career like everyone else; everything has been taken from me as is. So, Im working with the universe to change this; but the universe is not showing up; and I dont get it. its like a f_cking cat n mouse game with the universe.
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I have to learn to believe in what I want; Im trying to work with the universe when I dont want to; I dont trust the universe anymore then I trust the bankers in this country that are destroying the place. I see them as the same thing and on the same side.
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I dont like working with the universe; I consider the universe 2 sided; 2 faced. Yet, I have to learn how to work with the universe; I expect the universe to show up with what I want; if it doesn’t; the child in me goes back into the corner and gives up again; and this happens over n over n over n over.
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When things go wrong in the outside world; I blame the universe; and I will continue to blame the universe; for Im having to trust the universe to send me to the right places for my needs; but they never get met; I just wanted to be around nice people. or work my way into nice people.
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If the universe does not match up or give me what I want and ask for; I report it here and give the universe a bad name until it flies strait. The universe gets out of line and has to be put back inline.
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Why the universe does not help its people; I do not know.
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I will continue to work on all of this. and I do. I am getting stronger with no place to go.
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I feel like a guy thats being bullied; and I resist but have no escape rout; nothing; Im not connected to anything, so; theirs no place to go; my backs against the wall because I cant jump ship to another ship; I dont know what other ship to jump to. I dont know.
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The places I go are not safe; the recovery rooms Im in; they get corrupted. Im not sure what to do.
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I hate not having enough money for a car; I dont get it; Im working with the universe; I dont want to go through the winter again with no car. Why isn’t the universe showing up. How can I keep trusting a universe that does not show up.
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I know that I have to believe more; but how can I believe more in a universe that is not showing up with the money. I have to believe the universe will show up with the m...

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Just thought I'd write a little before I go to sleep.

I'm such a mix of emotions, I go from happy to really angry to crying in such short periods of time. It's driving me mad! One thing that upset me today was my mum and sister telling me that I'm really weird and that I need to get over myself! Obviously they can see that a I'm not quite right but they just laugh at me, probably because they are so ignorant about these kind of things and because I try my best to not let anyone know what's going on in my head. It came about today because I hate being touched. I know it is rather strange, anyways my sister kept touching my back and I got a bit anoyed/angry/upset. It's funny cause my close friends always say I'm weird to like because I can not stand odd numbers. And I like things to be a certain way or because I don't want to go swimming (there is no way on this earth I will go out in public in a swimmig costume) they get so angry with me.

Maybe I am just a weird, maybe I should just accept that and not care what people think. Easier said than done.

Night night x

I think my son is stuck in a teenage mindset. Perhaps with such an illness like BDD or OCD, there is a desire for the safety and security found in the teenage years. As a teenager, life was scheduled and mostly trouble free. You weren't worrying about finances, chores and what you needed to buy for the cupboard. You didnt think work was a sentence and recreation another chore. Personal relationships werent filed by the court system.
So when mental illness does descend it is only a normal response to retreat back to a teenager's life. A life when anticipation of the awaiting adult adventure was how we reasoned the future would be for us.

So if we enter adult life still as a teenager, we might set our amygdala to react like a teenager too.
What if the brain never receives an upgrade? 14 years later, we are still responding to some comment made about our looks that we didn't like at 13 to 19 years old.
All it takes is for our amygdala to form a template for how we should react with alarm to this comment about looks. Then anything that reminds the brain of this looks comment triggers the amygdala hijack and off we go to panic.

When in BDD, your mind's template hasnt changed to adopt more age specific software.
This leaves you craving a 19 year old look. With your mind hijacked by this teenager you still focus attention on what you look like and not what you do.

This teenager only exists in you because the adult hasn't taken charge and found that assertive adult voice that stops impulsiveness and stops abuse. Are you the people pleasing type? Wanting to be liked so you don't want to offend anyone? Do you want to own yourself? Or is the neediness to be loved so strong that almost anyone who says they love you will be OK, regardless of how hurt you are and how badly you get treated?

It is sometimes easier to find fault in yourself than look at the bigger picture and find fault in the bit of the world you have made home. It is harder to recognize the fault in the people we chose to be with. It is harder still to do something about it. So self sabotage is a much easier option.

In a way, your own body is the most precious home you will ever live in. It is a legacy bestowed on you by ancestors. It has the job of taking you on this journey called life. But how easy is it to find fault within. It can become a magnificent distraction from the main game when we become obsessed.
So BDD has a dual purpose. It traps us in a role for our impulsive teenager and it stops our adult firing up to allow us to overcome fear. That is just my negative spin really. The positives are that the adult doesn't have to turn up for work and never speaks up to defend their own abuse. Symbolically, you become stuck as a teenager with body concerns and so avoid facing adult concerns. I suppose that makes BDD, a maladaptive displacement of fear.

The goal for the adult in you, is to accept your own adult body. Surrender the teenager's impulsiveness to the adult's will and higher awareness. The adult wants and needs to be the master. You are then free from obsession and compulsion to fill your life with what you can do to make today better. The adult role. Marg

I remember as a child when my father was around; he was not paying for anything! So, he would act like a normal father; meaning, he acted like he was in charge and in control because he had no stress; he appeared successful because he was n to being warn down from work or any stressful situation; In reality, he was living a sociopathic fantasy at his wife's expense! Not that any of that is my business! It wasn't! The point is; At that time, my mother was kept away from me; she could not hurt me sadistically because I belonged to my father; I was his property! His equipment! that was not a bad thing; I was not physically abused by my father! the problem with my father; I was not taken care of. I was played with by my father as if he was taking care of me ; he was play acting! Therefore, I did not know anything was wrong in my household! For a short time, I liked my life! about the ages of 5 to 8 years old! I did not know anything was wrong! later, I would be destroyed! and in reality, I was being destroyed from the day I was born!
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During this time period of 5 to 8 years old; and because I had a father; I began to make plans for what I saw on television! I saw skiers; then I wanted to be a skier or an astronaut or teacher or astronomer or artist or rock star or Beethoven. I wanted to be everything; an author, math genius! Many things! I still do I guess; I do; even tho Ive been beat up from the street up!
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I began to focus on what I wanted; I kept negative things away and concentrated on the positive things; I did it naturally! and I hung around people I thought would have success! unfortunately I was doomed; but not in my choice of success thinking! I was doomed because I was never in a real environment that was safe; it was all fake and pre planned to fail! I was being used and would be thrown away in a year or 2! no one cared; they had pre planned it that way on purpose!
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The point is; now, as I move past long term CPTSD and trauma; the best I can; Im heading back to thinking basics; Ive picked several goals to focus on. The number one goal is simple but hard! What I focus on grows! Create a new story for myself of a dominant thinking focus subject or desire and focus on the the highest feeling; best feeling of that, to the point of focusing on nothing else; watch it grow; give it imaginative plant food and water and sun light and love and develop it in my imagination; watch it grow from a seed to a giant tree that sprouts fruit!
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Im learning the process of nurturing an idea; nurturing a thought desire; thoughts become things!
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Im learning to go all the way; no dropping out; no sabotage; the word " sabotage" does not exist in situations like this; for success! its laughable!
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Im learning what it feels like to go through fire and hang on as a normal way of living with my ideas, for my ideas! My ideas are desires from my imagination; these come from my subconscious! My subconscious gets them from the universe; the energy part of me hooked to the universe; my soul!
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Thomas Edison created the light bulb! he had no help! meaning, he was on his own, a pioneer! It was on his shoulders! When things didn't work out the first time; it was his choice to continue! If it didn't work out the second time; in that lonely despair, he continued; no one made him! And he would continue many more times, not knowing what the future held; but he imagined what it would be like! So he went for it and never looked back! Easy?, I doubt it! He has a desire and he never quit! and its that simple! I get a desire and I do not quit no matter how long it takes! no matter what! And that is the trademark of wealthy people! That is how they become successful, they become successful before they become successful! They believe first, then they see it!
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Im in the process of learning how to become successful! I have goals! Its getting to the point that...

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