I'm trying to figure things out. I'm starting to get a foothold of an idea concerning my whole life and what needs to be done.
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Where my personality collapsed long ago and cant deal with reality; thus leaving me agoraphobic in a little apartment ran by the state; Some ideas are coming to me concerning my plight.
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Ill say this; the goal if possible is to understand that I've been trauma bonded by just about everything from my youth and childhood; broken over n over n over and depleted and abandon. So; I ended up a mental cripple.
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Working with God; what would happen if I ask God to go back to age three with me and start over completely bi passing all later experiences and start over; this time creating a foundation from the start that works; works as a talented introvert and works as an extrovert interacting with the outside world.
Many people are successful and make great money and do great things with there lives and they are no smarter then I am; but they seem to be much more grounded in a reality that seems way over my head.
So; how about God and I starting over and with Gods help; helping me get started from the beginning again; and learning how to create a foundation that deals with real reality in reality thus preparing me to have success in life outside my apartment. And there it is. It scares me to say this or write this because I don't want to be beat up from the street up anymore. However, I've been brainwashed to believe everything is abuse and Ill walk into to sooner or later and be destroyed; but how can I justify this when so many others are working and doing fine; maybe struggling; but they have relationships and houses and cars and hobbies and such.
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How do I get back to this sane way of life. Sanity is what I seek.
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I seek success not examples of losers living in the woods in the middle of winter.. I'm not suggesting all people who have given up society are losers; I'm suggesting its cold in the woods with very few resources and no future except more woods and more cold.
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I'm responding to how I was treated when young and I have the idea that if I fix that one problem Ill be fixed but I think it would be better to just start over completely. Ill take this idea to God.
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I'm talking about a new social development; everything new. What would a life look like if I had been brought up by successful people to become successful.
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In my past I was always looking for new people to help take me in and learning me or help me survive and grow up; in the end no one saw any value in me; I was just a throw away who showed up at there door; I did not know this until it was 2 late; it was a mistake but I didn't know better. I was a nice person; the people who fooled me were not. Some of the people that took me in did not like me neither did there kids. I did not know this. I was around all these people that hated me to the core and had no value for me. I had no idea anyone would want to be this cruel to someone; but they were and thus a great lesson is taught; it might have looked good in a TV show but in real life I did not end up around nice people. Nor did I end up around any people that saw any value in me; they all secretly treated me with hatred and contempt. Regardless of my worth. So; that concept did not work.
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What concept will work. Thats a scary notion and one I'm working with God. And what it means is; I turn to God and get inline with my inner being about what Actually needs to be done to build a foundation; a real one in life; that means all the stuff I may not want to do but is necessary for a life of some levels of success.
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I need this sanity so I can kind of run my own life from where Im at. Part of me is PTSD'd CPTSD'd and Dissociated from real reality. AVPD. Depression Fear anxiety and so on. Agoraphobia.
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I have Agoraphobia; I dont know what to do outside. I have no connection to it; thus; I will work with GOd on that...

[ Continued ]

He doesn't miss me at all.

In fact, he's dating other women.

It's so interesting how his sappy heart can repair itself so quickly.

I relapsed today. I masturbated in bed this morning. The intense feelings and emotions caused me to become destabilized and I wound up looking at porn later in the afternoon as well. So much for 'easily' kicking the masturbation and porn habit.

Ascribing to the Louise Hay school of thought I know it's not wise to beat myself up over things. I'm working towards a kindler, gentler, me. Stop the criticism, it's hard.

Evaluated my feelings - What went wrong?

For starters I spent way too much time in bed, dilly dallying. Should have gotten up at the first crack of sunlight and gone outside. Day would have been much different had I done this.

I felt a bit depressed today and not such a good mood. I think this can definitely affect relapse.

So I felt like digging deeper. Hello Siri, can you find me a cure for my sexual addiction? Siri Answer: Here's SexualControl.com
Me: Thanks Siri!

Reading...
There's some intriguing stuff. According to website the pain I've been experiencing is being caused by my repression of my sexual feelings. If this is true, then my original premise "It's all about the pain" is all wrong.

According to website, and this makes perfect sense to me, we can't suppress our sex drive. We're innately sexual beings and these feelings are too intimate. What we are having are intimacy problems.

Apparently I'm supposed to let myself experience the feelings of wanting to masturbate and whatnot, but then control it and let the feelings pass. This is certainly a gentler approach than the extreme angle I tried to take by simply cutting out sexual thoughts altogether whenever they popped up.

So I guess it's ok to have sexual feelings. It's ok to want to see prostitutes. I'm just not supposed to do it. I can hang with that...I think. Interesting. The man left his number. I'll have to give the chap a call. I'll be surprised if there's a human on the other end.

I'm surprised I did not come across this website before. I had done other searches. Perhaps today was my lucky day? In any case, I feel better now. Almost everything I've experienced up to this point has been covered to a tee on his website.

We're on the same wavelength which is good. And he's been successful in kicking his addiction which shows there might be a light at the end of the tunnel.

Well, today has been constructive. I think that is the most positive thing I can take from it. Even though I have relapsed, I have used this to try to put myself in better position not to relapse in the future.

Now I have a different tack, a different angle I can take to conquer my demon. There is still hope. I feel more whole now. I can actually acknowledge my sexual feelings when I see a drop dead gorgeous girl and I have an idea of what to do with those feelings.

Move forward....

It has been a very long time since anyone has journaled/blogged. Almost a year ago, a family member took the journals (about 5 years of daily writing) out of the house and we have not seen them since.

For the one who journals the most, not only was this devastating, but it left her unable to get anything out on paper. Just recentlly, she has started using the laptop for a bit of writing...this is a start at least.

We have found this site to be helpful. Some are even talking to the therapist...and in 5 years, they have never been present to do so. What a fabulous thing to know that there are others out there who have expieriences so very close to our own. The goal is to make this a daily part of the routine, even if it always stays short and sweet

You just are born then raised . Then you have your own kids. Then later on you die of old age. What the hell kind of life is this? Is there a heaven or hell to be placed in? Is there life after death? What is the meaning of this life we all lived so far? It feels so boring here on earth. What are we doing here? It was so boring no matter how interesting and fun things are to do on the daily but still the depression lingers. Have I actually had fun before ? Or was it okay only? Sort of fun. Something is wrong. Nothing is enjoyeable to the fullest extent possible without the use of stimulus.