Can anyone tell me the difference between GAF (Global Assessment of Functioning) and RFC (Residual Functioning Capacity???

today it rains across my face
the burning in my chest
it's beauty cuts me
it's ugliness kisses me
these moments so fleeting
it hurts
I ache, it aches for me, with me
i love them so much
each never like the last
they slip through-nothing I can do
they come and go through me like arrows constructed
from a procession of the most beautiful whores

It's been almost a month since I've come here & posted. I find that I'm slipping back into a real life more and more and my thoughts about my gambling addiction are receding at an equal pace. I'm at a truly good place these days. I don't want to gamble. I don't think about gambling. I don't fool myself into believing I'm 'cured' but I AM past some kind of hurdle because I'm at peace now. It feels like a miracle that I can say I've been completely gambling-free for almost a year and a half (Sep 3 will be 1 year, 6 months COMPLETELY FREE! wow).

But you know what? It's the 'completely' that got me here. IT did the work. All I did was say 'no' to granting myself a scratch-n-win, or a 'quickpick' or any other little treat that we tell ourselves we've earned, or need to stay strong in the battle. Make no mistake, THAT is a lie. You don't need it. It needs you. You see, it's the innocent 'little' gambles that keep us connected to the addiction. Lightly. Easily. But totally connected. So when a bad urge hits, you're already primed to succumb. And unfortunately, during the struggle, bad urges can & do happen.

By swearing off EVERY form of gambling I stumbled onto a winning formula. It allowed me to get stronger with each day (even though I honestly didn't realize the HUGE effect it would have) and it turns out that each day you are TRULY away from gambling, is the ONLY way to become noticeably stronger. And (this is my favorite part) the stronger you get, the easier it becomes, until one day not far off from your true quit day, you discover you're free.

Free from the pain and agony of being helplessly controlled by an addiction. Free from fear of failure. Free to live the life that you deserve.

So fight those little battles. They're easy and they get you in shape for the big ones that occasionally hit. And most importantly, they show you that you can do it. Never underestimate the power of proof. It fortifies us on this journey.

I'm here today spouting my observations from my own journey for two reasons. One, I get strength from reaffirming my stake in this fight and two, I KNOW how much other people's stories have helped me, so I figure giving back is the very least I can do.

I truly hope it may help someone else when they need something extra.

You know, I used to end my posts with a prayer (or chant) - 'Today I will not gamble. Never again', but I've decided that from now on I'm going to end it with an unbelievably arrogant brag...

Today I will not gamble. Never again.

This might sound like another generic, temporary mood-influenced post, and something that directly opposes what I always say about hope that lacks sufficient reasoning. But this isn't something I would say if I didn't really believe it.

Something has happened. I'm headed not in circles anymore, but in a direction that will take me away from here. It's beginning. The thing is, it isn't hope, it's acceptance of the fact that hope is meaningless. The most powerful thing we can do when we lack confidence and doubt ourselves is to just move on anyway. Move on without hope.

My destination is probably entirely different from what most would believe based on this writing. Back when I was a child of about 9 years old or so, I remember thinking "I'll never go there." Then, at around 14-15, it started to become questionable. But now...... I'm really beginning to like it.

Well...what do they say? Ah.."there is evil there that does not sleep"

I do sleep in fact too much and it has gotten me to ask some serious questions. Sometimes i can sleep for many hours, get up and eat and then fall back into sleep for many hours again.
When i was younger i used to sleep thru the chimes of my alarm clock, my stepfather had to wake me up several times. When i started to work i went to a clock shop and asked him for the most horrible/loud sound he had, he gave me an alarm clock that sounds like a machine gun, it started of slowly but then grew louder and more evil, i bounced out of bed.

99% of the time i got up in time for work, so i wasn`t late that often, but some days i felt like i was on a unemotional robot mode, just hoping that nothing emotional would get into my way when i had days like that. Then i saw a program a few months ago about Kleine-Levin syndrome and i realized that i have a milder form of this. I recognized myself in the girl when she got up looked awake but her body/head/mind just wasn`t there, she wasn`t clear. Its like you are still asleep and all you are able to do is get something to eat and go back into bed.
Even when i am on holiday and flushed with happiness/adrenalin i still have to go back to bed for a whole day after a whole nights sleep.
You just don`t "see" clear, you are tired and "locked in". Its something neurological. Like some signals are messed up.