The first time i had a (real) suicide attempt i caved into a big depression that lasted me a long time.

I had been seeing a man for 3 months and due to circumstances we decided to move together.
We lived together for 6 months and it was up and down until it ended.

I ended up in a hospital bed and crawled around for a few years trying to pick up my pieces where i had left them.

We are friends today even if we have no contact.

Ive been certifiably crazy. What does this mean. I means; someone else abused me so I shut down and I blamed it on the closed people next to me; but it was all over load; meaning; I was legally insane from overload... I was not present anymore. And I walked out on or blamed others. I was nuts... And their was no way to tell them; I just walked away from them; who knows what they thought. No one ever really tried to get back in touch with me; they just wrote me off as a fool.
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I had one women actually almost jump me. but I didnt know I wasn't ready for her. Im still not but gaining ground now. Slowly the gap is closing a bit.. slowly.... It's just starting.
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My ability to be present or hold relationships has been impossible. Im now attempting to get over or work through the dissociation areas; some are very very bad and close me off permanently. This has made it impossible for relationships... Im to mentally violent... so defensive and damaged.
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So; Im getting better; I have to trust God.... I have to give them a break. I mean. Ive been nuts; I just walk away instead of having a relationship; I'll have to keep praying about it and working on it until I can become present again and actually live my own life. Im slowly over coming things slowly.
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Im slowly over coming childhood. Im at this point; Im 10 years old and the house I live in and family; They will not be their anymore... Im kind of or am on my own and I feel the stress and fear and terror of this and I have no way out or don't know what to do. its a form of torture to do this to children; and that is what was intended for. It was intended to torture and destroy me.
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I spend allot of time on the past; the child within me; with the goal of getting him on his feet and slowly working through development getting him back up to speed or up to the present; cant do that yet; I've still got CPTSD damage; dissociative damage. So; Ill take this very slowly and carefully... Im still way damaged. I have to keep working on all this stuff.
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The child in me; has a big big hurtle to deal with; Im 10 inside but Ok. but the child in me; he will have to grow new because the old me was put through horror; and that will be bi passed and that is scary and exhilarating at the same time...
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So; Im in the middle of working on all this stuff. Im before any changes to the 10 year old. Im walking along down C street. Im possibly with my best friend who turns out not to be my friend.
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So
Heres the deal; from the beginning; I have to change right now; How I feel about myself right now; as Im walking down C street at 10 years old; I can feel the anxiety; I've been thrown away; I've got no-one to turn to; nothing. I don't know what Im going to do. So; instead of being angry like I feel inside; Now; the adult me and God will come up with some answers.
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The first answer is to tell someone; tell anyone that matters; So I'll be looking with Gods help to tell people at that time period what to do. The first name that comes up;. *mod edit* the Minister of the Episcopal church. And I will pray first to God for the next move forward; the horror is; I cant go back home; no home anymore. Nothing. Gone. And I cant grieve it or do anything about it; my whole life ruined and gone. So; now what do I do. I mean; this is to much for a 9-10 year old to deal with; I mean seriously... everything ruined... Im just thrown away. So; I start by changing my feelings and bringing them back to a normalized confidence happy possible state where everything is going to work out regardless and I feel great. Thats the work; to open things up and look at them to get back to feeling good about myself right from the start; This may take lots of work to work through all the layers of tragedy they slayed on me at that moment. But I will have to work through it because I don't want my self worth or identity to be change;...

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It's pretty d--- irratating how paradoxically 4 someone like myself who doesn't talk very often my voice is booming and loud.My voice input and output are never equal.The way I hear my own voice (like on a recording) even bewilders me in how muffled,booming and bass filled it is (even after the stuff I know that happens like voice conduction) so much so that it hardly sounds anything like how I hear myself.It's sorta like if someone was using a lower grade version of those deep voice distorters that they use on shows when they try 2 keep the person anomoyous.-_- I can only imagine all those times of me doing karoke how flippin far off the voice output was from how I heard myself singing. It's so stupid!.Could it be years of musuc on my vocal cords from a dairy heavy diet?.I don't know.

For instance yestreday while trying 2 highlight a good pt. about playing video games since my brother likes those vapid,overly-hyped,mass-marketed,stupid "violence 4 the dsake of violence" COD games I brought out how what's really impressive in some games in the soundtrack and how they have like whole symphony orchestras work on them.Then my sister said "Omar [my middle name which my family calls me by] you talk so loudly!" which upset me made me walk off steaming with my parents scolding her soon after

Then and there,my whole nice talk that I planned out in order 2 drive the focus light away from the dang game my brother was playing derailed by the a trite expression by my sister who's studying 2b like a social worker of some sort with ppl like me prob.going 2b one of her "lighter" cases.

-_- Ack,yet another dumb obstacle that obstructs my communication with other ppl.

2 places I need to be when I leave my apartment in the morning; positive thinking, and at a meeting where their is people!
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My blog; " fear of women blog"; as now been officially changed to " relationships with women blog"; Its turned over! I knew it would at some point! I had to get up to speed to start over from the beginning! With the past blogs Ive written; " fear of women blog;'This mainly concerned the past, and how I was dealing with the past in the present! exposure therapy-ing the past into the present! I brought up everything I could concerning women; over n over n over n over n over; including my mother and grandmother and friends mother; or people I knew; their mothers! sisters, teachers! and I wrote about it! How I felt, the abuse, frustration, anger! fear, everything!
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Now; Im more caught up to speed; so, I am now turning it over! Its now about relationships with women! Im crazy and Im f__ked up! and thats a good place to start; because its the beginning!
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So, this is the beginning of new things! is it easy; not; no easier then climbing Mt Everest! yet, I have some experience climbing now! Ive climbed a few psych hills! Im better prepared!
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The positive thinking processes are going well; tough, but well! The goal is; what are my goals and a story to go with each; a dominant story to go with each! These stories are positive stories of what Im anticipating in my life! they dominate over the old stories of! " I wish I had thinks but their missing"!
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If I can or if I cant; either way; Im right! And Im attempting to change the beliefs and interests of " I cant" to I am"! and its working; but its taking a h_ll of allot-a work! and I will continue with this work!
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Feeling good about myself is the next important thing; Im learning about it; how to do it!
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With dissociative disorder; its been like Im a ghost! I never felt my body anymore and could not place it in time or space! My body was used by everyone; I had a rent sign on the back of my neck! It did not belong to me; I did not control it! Someone else controlled my body; the world owned it, you owned it, the state owned it! the society owned it! I didnt own my own body, so it went numb and I could not feel it anymore! Soon, I wanted to leave the planet and never come back!
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Im learning how to meditate and love myself! This is interesting; I never knew how to love my body or thank it! now Im learning!
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Its all a slow process!
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Problems with women and people in general!
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Im better; Im still scared when people walk up to me; I get triggered from movements! Anyone coming at me triggers me! Women, less then men! but they both trigger me!
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The gaol is to be kind to people; learn to practice and drop the defenses! the problem is; with no defenses, people come at me physically quickly! and it scares me; freaks me out!
So, these are the 2 areas Im working on!
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Im working on practicing music everyday and some kind of art, until I can feel safe in the outside environment making art again! I have a lot of PTSD that gets triggered when Im doing something with my hands in front of me; I dont feel safe; I feel like I can be attacked!
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Asian-soulmate! This is my next big goal and manifestation! I have to keep working with source energy on this! It may take along time for me to bridge the gap of where I need to go to be surrounded by Asian women who are my soulmates! I will have to do some geographic-ing. I might have e to go other places and open up my spectrum of area; and this is fine, as long as God is in charge and I can feel safe!

Yesterday at school (my kids's school, I'm on the PTO there as a parliamentarian) they had thanksgiving lunch. At the door, two people sat and took money and gave tickets. After relieving one of the other board members so she could go eat lunch, I took over the cash box. I didn't know very well the person who sat next to me, so I decided after a few awkward change correcting incidents to tell her about my having NLD (Non-verbal Learning Disorder). I was like, "well ya know I got this NLD and it kinda prevents me from doing things like this, but seeing as only a board member can run the cash box, I'll give it a shot." She was like "Whats NLD?" I was like, well it's complicated. I can't follow GPS because I don't know my left and right, I passed college algebra with B and statistics with a C but I can't add and subtract. She stopped me right there and was like "thats impossible, don't you have to pass a math class to be a nurse"? I was like sure, dosage calc, I passed that with a B as well. You don't understand, let me put it differently. I know how to do it, I just do it like I'm doing it for the first time everytime. So when I do simple math like addition and subtraction I have to count on my fingers (and occasionally toes). When I drive I have to print out the maps and put arrows above the words left and right. I used to have it sharpied to my steering wheel. Then I got a truck and got tired of explaining it. I've also considered some medical tattoos on my hands that say left and right. Too chicken. I've found that adderall helps me pull out in traffic faster. I still have to wait for at least three cars to pass by just to get a gauge on how fast they are coming at me. In class lectures, I would get A's on tests by writing down every word that came out of a professors mouth and completely ignored the powerpoint and professors illustrations. A few times I got in trouble because he thought I was doing homework.
Oh yes, and NLD are most notably known for their fear of failure. I live everyday of my life preparing for the moment during the day in which I fail someone. I constantly fail everything all the time. Dropped out of Nursing school. I had to, I probably would have killed someone not knowing my left or my right. So far I've failed in quitting smoking. Still trying though. When I say, "I fail at life" I am serious and I mean it. But at least now I realize that none of this stuff was entirely my fault. Only partially. I go into things with the knowledge of my capabilities and quit living in the perfect world I have constructed in my head. Sure I still dream, but it's different now. I dream of reality!
I am often ashamed of myself for no reason. I have Aspergers, ADD, NLD, and whenever I'm too stressed out, I see and hear things that aren't there. They aren't telling me to do anything or bothering me anymore, but when I was a teenager I tried killing myself just to get them to stop. Most often it's a black shadow, hearing scratching, hearing a baby cry, but when life gets really tough, I see like entire ghosts and stuff.
Other things that make me wierd, I'm openly gay, openly married, and openly polyamourous. Try explaining that to someone else...lol I'm a skin picker. Better known as Dermatillomania. This is hard to explain as well.
One week when I'm really good with my meds I'm a normal person, with a clear face, a smile, and making rational thoughts and judgements. Then I'll somehow get stressed out, pick at one thing, it gets infected, causes more, and then after I pick at all those I create some more just by picking at bigger pores. Then comes the ADD...my whole life falls apart, things get backed up, put off and procrastination hits. Then because I procrastinated, I get more stressed out, I start seeing things, hearing things, and neglecting my spouse and isolating myself. It snowballs from there until I fight non-stop with my spouse, drive away and come back hours later cooled...

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