i really dont know what to do anymore. i was raped when i was 16 by a bloke who was supposed to be my friend and then made do an oral sexual act to a man by force when i was 19. i am now 24 and still have terrible nightmares and flashbacks of both events. i ended up pregnant from the rape and i didnt find out until i was two months along. the reason i didnt know was because after the rape i went straight to the guards and they interigated me and made me feel as though it was somehow my fault it happened. i ended up losing the baby 2 days after my 12 week scan and that aswel has left more mental scars and i feel i am near breaking point. i was seeing a psychiatrist for nearly 2 years and it took me over a year to trust him enough to open up but 6 weeks ago i found out he was gone from the place where i saw him once a week and even gone from the hospital where he was based. this has really left me stuck and since i the haven been able to see him the nightmares have gotten worse. i dont feel that i can talk to anyone now. just this morning i woke from one of thee worst nightmares yet, every single thing like it was happening all over again. i hate it why wont it just go away i really just need some help and feel like if i dont get some soon that all of this is going to ruin my life and my relationship. my partner knows kind of what has happened to me but i haven told him the whole story. and even this morning when i woke from the nightmare with such a fright he asked me what was wrong and i just got out of bed and went into the living room. i know i want to tell him but im just so afraid to. i feel like my life is in ruins because of these attacks and i always always start crying for sometimes no reason and others because i had a flash back. i just need some help or advise on what to do because i dont feel like i can keep going on like this.

Finish the quilts I started this summer... A fun goal for a change, although these are the first quilts I’ve ever made, so I am afraid of effing them up.

My Productivity Hacks:

1) Groom.
2) Caffeine.
3) Take a break.
4) Listen to music.
5) Expect obstacles.
6) Get dressed to shoes.
7) Alternate hot & cold drinks.
Never start a challenging task on an empty stomach.

yesterday, I misplaced my keys. I looked everywhere- on top of the car, on the ground, took everything out of the car, and finally started taking things out of my purse (I really didn't think they should be there which is why I looked last). After about 25 minutes of looking, an older lady came over asking if I was alright or having car trouble. When I told her I had misplaced my keys, she picked them up off the ground. I have no idea how they got there. i have the keys on one of those wrist things just so I don't misplace them.

I also had the thrill of falling yesterday for no apparent real reason. I didn't trip or stumble. My ankle didn't twist. I just went boop on the ground. I had been dizzy most of the afternoon so I'm going to go with that being the reason, although I don't really know. Although I was right next to the car, so I'm going to classify that as "car trouble" too. So now, at least two of my bruises are earned. There is one bruise on my shin (unearned) that is very peculiar looking. It's circular (about 3 inches in diameter) and has a big unbruised "v" shape in it. There is no way I can think of to legitimately get a bruise like that. I've had it for over a week now.

But there was further car trouble. It just didn't want to go where I intended. I went to a nearby Wal-mart in a very small town- someplace that's easy to get to and guess what, got lost on the way there. While in Wal-mart I was looking for jeans for my daughter. I can't really say I got lost. I'm not really sure what you'd call it. I knew I was in Wal-mart, but I couldn't locate where the jeans would be- even when I was staring right at them. So the trip to Wal-mart that should have taken a total of 30-45 minutes, including drive time, ended up taking about 5.5 hours.

Currently, I'm looking for a dozen jars of peaches that I canned this summer. I verified with my son and husband that yep, they were there last week. I kept thinking I needed to mark them (there's several different kinds) and put them away in the cupboard. I asked all the kids- no one knows where the peaches went= or at least none claim to. I checked everywhere that I might have logically put them so I don't think I just moved them and don't remember, maybe, just maybe, they're in the car (they really shouldn't be). But just because they might be, I think maybe I should brand that as "car trouble" too. What do you think?

So i was gasping at a possible date this weekend but he stood me up

The scene is a bit blury because he is someone i have known for sometime and i don`t think we were meant to hit it off.



I saw some months ago and i ignored him, then i saw in pool(he was outside it), and i just swam but then he wanted to talk so i gave him my number.
He used to be a care worker who came with pills to me when i was taking anti depressants.
My doctor didn`t want me to overdose them so he made nurses bring them to my door every night.
He was one of those nurses and he always wanted to be up close and personal when i didn`t want to be that with him.
So its really a case of uncertainty.
Now he hasn`t called so maybe he finally got it?


He was being too pushy! I kept telling him i wanted to swim but he didn`t want to end the conversation.

We just discovered "The Rachael Maddow Show". She is awesome. Like a political Ellen. She's great.

That is all.