So, Finally had my second appointment with the visiting psychiatrist. I actually had an appointment last week, but no one was there, I had a quick sitting with some "nurse" and she got me to ramble my life quickly then told me my appointment was scheduled for next week same time, as they were Both away due to family reasons. I could understand them being absent due to family reasons, but not being told and this random "interview" left me feeling angry and paranoid. I do not understand the point of it, It brought up alot of emotions. But I've already ranted about that somewhere else.. So moving on.
Luckily I can move on from that, for now, due to my recent appointment going seemingly well. I some how, stuttered splattered and rambled my way into expressing more, and the visiting psychiatrist heard me. He started thinking outside the box. He said due to my family history I'm probably quite likely to have an inherited mental illness, But also due to my life experiences not being the best, I've picked up alot of other issues along the way, so all in all. I'm a big bag of wtf. 'Very complex' were the words he actually said. I thought FINALLY. someone actually see's I'm not just a text book case. (Which doesn't help my "delusions" of being different to everyone else [humans in general] but I'll keep that to myself "myself' meaning me and the billions of people on the internet)
He finally heard my plea to look at me properly, see there are more issues then just anxiety. I like him, He has a good vibe. Nice soul. Nice eyes. But, we'll keep that to myself. I still do keep alot to myself, because I do know, alot of what I say or think is pretty bat $#%^ crazy. The problem is that I know, I can still handle keeping my demons at bay when I know I really have to. Most the time. I think this is because of my huge fear of being put in a mental institution. I honestly get so worried I'll one day end up spending my life sedated and starring out a window and not seeing my family, I'd die. I would be dead. I'll avoid that scenario until the day I am really dead. I think this is a problem though, as maybe, I continue to hold myself back from also seeking proper help.
But back to the point, I came out of the appointment feeling a little worried but also a little positive this new direction may finally be the way to go. He thinks , maybe I suffer Bipolar 2, instead of or maybe as well as Post-traumatic stress disorder. So Although I'm not happy with any mental illness label, I know i need help. So the sooner they figure out what to call my demons, the sooner I can find the medication to help fight them, correctly!
I remember way back, only in faint shades, of first going to a dr, when i was 15 or 17. I don;t remember due to my entire life being shaded. I don;t remember much at all. But back then I was on An anti depressant, sleeping tablets and an anti psychotic. I don't really remember how they went, But i also know back then I was very mature with taking my medication and didn;t last long on them. But my Dr then at the time thought I may be suffering Post-traumatic stress disorder, Social Phobia, and Bipolar. So the list hasn't really changed much.
But, At least I feel I'm being heard. I thankfully get to see him again soon, and already have another appointment next week with my caseworker. I will have further questions because, the reason this is called "APPREHENSION" is he's decided to try me on lithium. I told him I haven't had my Anti-D - Avanza (mirtazepine) for over 2 mths. As i felt it wasn't working well for me, at first he suggested I up the dosage then I in return stopped the dosage completely. I know this wasn't because I was giving up, I know that within myself, I just know i felt it didn't work. But lithium, Kind of freaks me out. The side effects freak me out, the idea that it wont help freaks...
[ Continued ]
I need to get through this. I'm just feeling so unsure of myself and I hate it.
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