Yikes yesterday in the early hours I went upstairs and thought i was hearing voices. The looked up and there was a swarm of wasps around my light, they must have got in through the window. I HATE wasps sooooooooooooooooooooo much. I had to kill them all then clean them up. Then I had to take some diazepam!

Today I was meant to be having lunch with a friend but she is not always the most reliable of ppl and quelle surprise she cancelled on me so I am a bit miffed about that. We are apparently going to go shopping on Thurs but I will wait and see.

Got choir in a bit, which will be good, get some singing done. Then Cracked must be a good girl and take out the rubbish and recycling, one of my not favourite jobs.

Did at least get my trangia back today and was all excited, I love it. I love how you can make a cuppa when in your tent. Just need to decant the meths now. I once burnt myself on a trangia by pouring meths in when i thought the flame had gone out and it hadn't. The flame flew up to my hand then i dropped the meths, which set fire to the grass and nearly the car before we could get it out - oops.

Anyhow, hope you are all OK.

Cracked

Things are changing; Im going through a very hard rough time. A very neglected time.
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Its seems like in every meeting; 12 step meeting I go to is some narcissistic thug bugging me… Male or Female…
I do not give these people any respect one way or the other; they don’t mean anything to me; Why would they; I don’t know them; I don’t go to meetings to show my respects to people; Im going to recovery; its a recovery meetings; not a thug gathering for criminals; but; Im not in charge. And those that are in charge don’t care…
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IF they allow these kinds of people into the meetings who break the social rules with others all the time; I will have to really pray about where to go… Im getting violated all the time; all I can do is call the police…
Welcome to modern society…
And; Im not respected by many in these places; certainly not the thugs… Im played allot by people… if they can get away with it…
So; Im trying to recovery.
Im getting much closer to completely coming into reality again and starting over. I large gap resides between where Im at and where I want to be. However; that gap is lessening by the week.
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So; Ill keep the work up; but it seems right when Im getting close to coming back into full view of life; suddenly people are stopping me from getting this last mile to the finish line. I do have a God; Ill pray about it and ask God what to do about it. All Im trying to do is come into contact with myself.. Alignment with myself my inner being and God…
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I do not have the respect by many in these places. In many cases; they are not even at this wave length…
Ill work with God and try to stay antonymous at meetings… Im already being stalk in several places; different meetings. All I can do is call the police.
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GAP:
So; a gap resides between where Im at and where I want to be. Im still in the Disney channel in my head; slowly letting it go… Enough of me as been present not to be in the Disney channel anymore; Now; Im trying to pull the rest of me the rest of the way home; getting back into reality and what reality can offer me.
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The dreams I want; sure; they are in my imagination; but they are suppose to be worked with a higher power and slowly I learn to take action in the real world toward those dreams. This can also mean working on plans with my higher power to obtain those goals. So; much work is done in my head and on paper first; as the plan appear from my higher power; meditation is of the day.
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So; Im slowly allowing the plans to appear and unfold before me… Im also writing up how I want to proceed and taking it to God…
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This gap Im in; this the sexual abuse God; and being thrown away with no one there… when young. All alone…
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Im thinking of a time specifically living with my father… where I have no Father; no one notices me or cares; nothing; I don’t exist… nothing… My father thought he was divorcing the whole family system and was gone; He didn’t expect someone to choose to come live with him… He thought he was out of there. He just wanted to chase college college girls… He was in his early 50’s. I was just a little kid… I had no one; and no one cared what happened to me; nothing.
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I did have the 12 step meetings; now; I hardly have any left; Ive watched the changes take place over the years; and the places are becoming without any rules… and theirs no recovery for me; nothing… So; its not even safe showing up to meetings without being bullied or played in some way by someone…
Im just a decent person trying to get better; Ill get on my knees and ask God what to do here!
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I have God; I have sponsor and I have my imagination.
I assume if God is going to allow this stuff to go on in these meetings; to have criminal minded people run with no rules when at the meetings; harassing people; stalking bulling people for the fun of it; I assume Thats the way God wants it and Im out. I mean; I have no other places...

[ Continued ]

I have started getting the 'feelings' again. The realizations. I feel like I'm... a sentient parasite looking behind the eyes of my Host. The body is not mine, though I am still a part of it. The eyes move, and the lips speak; the environment is observed, but nothing penetrates. It's a constant effort to put myself back in the moment these past 2-3 weeks. I have to say to myself more and more each passing day, "You are walking to work", "You are speaking cordially with this person. He/she is not a threat to you.", "This is your lover; respond to his touch", "You are alive."

I am rife with anxiety some mornings. My thoughts race, and my stomach clenches for no rational reason. I try to wake myself up fully, splash water on my face, do mindful thinking. It finally dies down, but there is the residual humming of nervous energy. Then it is replaced by the white static. The 'parasite behind the looking glass' feeling. I don't black out. I don't feel like another 'personality' takes over. It feels like I have an internal script already written out and all my body has to do is recite. I don't know where the internal script came from. I don't recall actually thinking about what or how I'm going to respond. It just happens. I used to have this feeling constantly between the ages of 15-19, quite severely. They've dwindled significantly after meeting my partner, as well as other emotional dysfunctions.

I used to disassociate so badly that my friend could be speaking to me, calling my name several times and I would not respond. I would go into 'My Zone', as she called it. I was vaguely aware she was trying to get my attention but I could not respond. I was frozen. There was no reason for it, I would just randomly 'go away' at almost any given moment. I remember one day I was at my grandmother's house with my father and his brother, and the same thing happened. But there were several understandable reasons for my disassociation : both my father and my uncle molested me as a child, they both had severe anger issues and did not get along with their mother (my grandmother), and I had my own association with my grandmother that wasn't the most pleasant. It was allinall a supremely uncomfortable environment. I went away. i heard my father calling my name, I did not respond. I didn't want to. I wanted to be far far away from that awful place. I felt trapped. I did not want any attention towards me from anyone. At some point I answered him, and he asked if I was ok, what just happened? I shrugged and started to eat my food.

There is so much of my life that I don't remember. I cling to pictures and trinkets and hope that they will always remind me of their origin. The memories that I do have are fractured or traumatizing. Vacations that I've had with people and I can't remember ever going. They show me pictures and I recall nothing. That's another thing, whenever I see a picture of myself at an event or vacation, it feels like it's not me. Like I don't recognize myself. When I look in the mirror to this day (which is either not often, or with fatal scrutiny) it's like... 'so this is me.' But it doesn't FEEL like me. Like my outer image does not match how I feel inside.

I suppose it comes down to self-confidence, and the fact that I've been through very ugly things. I've come a long way; I'm not nearly as jumpy/twitchy/panicky as i used to be. My anger is almost null. But every once in a while... I get the feeling that I'm not real. That the world around me is fading at the edges and if I blink it'll be gone. If I sleep, it'll just... vanish. Or I'll vanish. Most of the time I don't feel anything; little islands of emotion throughout the day pop up, but for the most part... It's just... empty.

How long I’ve been researching disability & how to apply. Mostly reading ssa.gov, but I also made a phone call. A next step involves visiting my local ssa office in order to secure an activation code for my social security. I also wonder if they have hard copies of the adult disability report? My printer needs ink. Not today though. I’m done for today.

I feel I am a sociopath because I manipulate people I don't care if they get hurt but I also wanna help some people and I understand their worth