OK. so first of all my name is Phil and i am 17 years old and a few months ago i have had the fear of becoming gay. I am a very anxious person and have always worried about things ever since i was about 5. for example, i would worry that i would go deaf, blind, have a heart condition etc. Every time i get over a fear and stop worrying a new worry comes to my mind maybe a few weeks later. my longest fear was that i had a retinal detachment because i saw floaters in my vision which were completely normal. i went to the doctors 3 times in 2 years. they scanned my eyes and did the best eye exam i ever experienced but afterwards i would always convince myself that there was still something wrong. i would always check and squint to see these things floating in my vision to the point i would feel sick and have panic attacks. when i was 11, i also felt a pain in my eye 24/7 and it got me really worried. but 1 month later when i went to the doctors and they said everything was OK, i never felt it again. it is clear to me that this was pain that i was causing by thinking!
now to the HOCD. A few months ago, i had this dream that i was watching 2 men kissing eachother. i felt no pleasure in the dream whatsoever. i then woke up sweating and panicking, disgusted by this dream. this was always in the back of my mind for 1 month until i really started to think about it. i was forcing these gay thoughts on myself to see if i would get aroused. it didnt at first but i was thinking about not getting an erection so bad that it increased in size a tiny bit and i had a panic attack. it didnt feel like an erection i would get though that i would get when i think of something nice like girls. Before all this, i had never had a gay thought and i actually used to think about gay stuff to make my erection go down when i had an unwanted one when i was in school last year:) I have always loved girls ever since i can remember and and i know deep down that I am not gay and this is just a worry like my other OCD problems in the past. I always look for attention from girls when i am shopping for example. i am apparently a cute/attractive guy and i love it when i know girls are checking me out. today i saw this girl and i would walk around her on purpose so she would see me because i knew she was checking me out and i just love that tingly feeling. But then i thought "what if i am just imagining this attraction" and gay images came into my head and i started to worry again. I have never checked out guys in my life until this HOCD kicked in. As soon as i see a good looking man, i just look and fear that i am attracted to him which i know im not but i just wait for ages for some feeling to make myslef worry even more. I cant control it.
However, when i am totally relaxed and haven't thought about gay things all day and then think about it, it doesnt do anything to me. i dont worry and i dont feel disgusted. but the more i think and think i find it hard to breathe and get this weird feeling. yesterday when i was really relaxed, i had an erection and went on gay porn to check if this is just my mind and my erection went down so fast.
This HOCD was much worse than it is now but it keeps coming and going and i want it to stop because it is really ridiculous but i cant control it whatsoever and it is ruining my life. it is as if i am like possessed and there is another person inside me making me worry.
please help me. i dont know how to stop it. i have had so many OCD problems in the past but this is really the worst one.
thanks for reading!

I hate being played! and I hate getting caught up in not having options...

There is a specific kind of girl I chase after like a stalker! I never really chase after her, I just want her because she has all the guys wanting her! and I feel its demoralizing to be apart of that!

In high school, there was the girl that always had you as a friend on a string! but you were never good enough to date her; she made that clear! and I don't want to get caught up with someone like that now!

or, I want to, desperately seem to need that kind of thing but don't want to admit it! I don't feel good enough for it! or for someone who commands it! Its a game for game players.

I finally ask the person out just to find they have a long term boy friend! and always have. They like playing people! once they are done with me, they move on to someone else! social climbers that use people for fun! I hate the creeps. yet, Im attracted to the women social climbers! its the ego in me! and I don't know how to shut it off.

Im in love with myself instead of love myself! and Im looking for the same kind of people; and that is dangerous, Im looking for trouble and self mutilation!; mastication.

I have lots of resentments surrounding these social ladder problems. I am not attracting anyone! I just think I am!

example; I know this fat ugly girl; she has no business talking and thinking every guy wants her! she is way over weight, it is sickening to listen to her! she makes a fool out of herself every time she opens her big mouth! its horrible and laughable. and its no different for me!

I open my mouth as if Im a big social climber, Im not anything! I can't move, and I have no idea where I would be a social climber! Im trying to wake up as a human being.

What I need; I need to find the right kind of people to associate with! Im getting derailed taking interest in good looking young women that call the shots with any young guy they meet. I don't compete, and those are the girls I want! I want the girls I can't get! and I hate admitting this and being trapped in it! and I am trapped in it!

Im snagged and got to understand the importance of being un snagged. I still think I got a shot at it, when reality tells my I don't; ignorance in action! I think Im good enough! but its not about that! its about the kind of person Im going after or interested in.... they are cute and shallow and a complete waist of time! and I wont let go!

I wont let go; and Im going to make a complete fool out of myself if I don't; and it hurts when I get stung! it sucks! and they are waiting! they can see it in me, and the female hate and contempt is waiting for me to make my slow lazy move from this dream world Im in! from dream world to being slapped, thats the best way to describe this! Help!

The girl wants a secret boyfriend and followers everywhere else! and Im not interested in following some one! I want no part of it!>

But I find myself wanting it! and hoping; it pulls on my weakness and this bugs me! this is not the approach! and most of these girls have boyfriends all the time! they never tell you! they just look around for fools to play! will I be one of them;’ or will I learn my lesson that I don’t have a shot at it and never did!

I feel entitled! and I have to come back to reality!

Well, I've decided to start a blog here, even though I have doubts about how worthwhile it is or how much I'll be able to keep up with it, if at all.

I already have "blog-like" posts all over these forums and anybody can just go to the "search member's posts" link to bring those up and read them. One advantage, though, of having all this on a blog is that one can just hit the print icon and it'll bring up all expanded posts, which can be read without a lot of clicking---a headache, especially for anybody on dial-up, like I've often been---and they can all be printed, which I often like to do, finding it much easier to read paper than screens. Thus, one rationale.

I've been on several forums, one being Anxiety Zone, another BDD Central, in a need to vent, articulate and explore "what's ailing me". After being intimidated from joining this forum after reading all it's confusing technical hoops, I tried again, and for some unknown reason, managed to do with quite easily. So, here I am. I have found this forum quite a bit more satisfying that AZ and BDD which were a bit "infantilizing". Psychforums has a bit more intelligence and healthy cynicism. Wierd as that may seem, I find brutal honesty, even if it's "negative", more comforting than sugar-coated optimism. I also think emotional-mental problems can be a lot more complex than anxiety or any single "disorder".

I come to this forum to vent, commiserate, learn and find some sort of community with my "fellow crazies", but I use that last expression with a grain of salt. I don't like to think of myself as "mentally ill" or "disordered". I have a problem. I have a condition. I have "pain". I have angst. I need to work on it. But I don't want it, or anybody else, to define me. I'm not trying to join any clubs, to gain official admission into anybody's insular little clique.

I investigate and explore psychology (or psycholoGIES) as tools of self-help. I assert my right to self-diagnose, to apply what labels I deem fit me best, as WORKING DIAGNOSES. Maybe I'm a typical arrogant narcissist, maybe I'm oppositional defiant, but I have no intention of ever seeing a "therapist". I haven't seen anything in them that suggests to me they are more insightful than I am about my condition. If anybody tells me I should go "get a proper diagnosis" I will ignore it. If you want to talk about it any further, meet me on the anti-psych forum. I'm a rebel and a skeptic who's always been rather hostile to "expertism" and the very idea of somebody telling me what's "proper" kind of irks me. (Even if I wanted to see a therapist I'm very, very low income, and couldn't even begin to afford it, and being a libertarian, no, I'm not going to "ask" (beg, grovel) for "assistance". People who don't take these issues into consideration when telling others they should "get professional help" are probably very class-sheltered, culturally insensitive, or ideologically arrogant.)

There are many, many philosophical and existential issues with the (holy) DSM and maybe even other psychologies that have been deeply explored by people far more educated than I, and there's much more to the issue that forced hospitalization and drugging, serious as these are.

Anyway, as working diagnoses/labels for myself, my research so far has led me to covert somatic-type narcissism. Other "co-morbidities" may be avoidant and schizoid. Cognitively, I've long thought I probably have ADHD and sluggish cognitive tempo. All a rather daunting mix to say the least. Hopefull I'll have the time and discipline to explore all these in this blog.

Will catch up on the boards, after a good night sleep. Take care all - ie. Koshka

It was Halloween night, and a few friends of mine convinced me to attend an annual house party in Brooklyn. Each floor of the building had a different theme. DJ, live music, a backyard for chatting. I stepped out to have a smoke, and found myself surrounded. Everything from a person dressed as a google drive, to a Goth character whose name was too cool for me to know of, to a woman in a white shirt with her sleeves tied behind her. I swallowed hard and hoped she wasn't what I thought she was trying to go for.

"So what are you dressed as?" I asked.

"Oh, I'm Frued's patient, you know, like a schizophrenic," She said with her broken English. She was not an American.

"You mean like in the olden days, back when they didn't have medication," I replied.

She laughed then added, "Actually, I'm a psych grad student," She said trying to assert her authority on the topic. But to be honest, her teachers had failed to show her the value of compassion, and the need to empathize and humanize the condition she wore on her sleeves. I was disgusted by her, her profession, and the value system she carried.

I wish I had told her she should be ashamed of herself and taken a photo of her. She had no idea who she was talking with. She was talking with me, a person with schizophrenia who she was misrepresenting to the world. She thought she was safe with her stigma hanging with the "cool" kids. I was annoyed, and quit her company shortly after that. I didn't have the will that night to engage in the dialogue to fight the pervasive mindset that she assumed her stigma was ok. But I haven't been able to forget her bad costume. She should know better, she's studying to be a professional. I left the party shortly after that. My daughter was at her dad's, so I didn't need to rush home, but I was angry that this idiot thought it was ok to stigmatize mental illness with her terrible costume, just because she's taken a few classes and has authority on the subject. I think she totally lacks insight into living with mental illness, and clearly doesn't appreciate recovery.