So, where have I gone? What was missing that which is now found was also discovered never lost? How can this be? Where is me? What is life without the desire behind a wistful purpose?

[very high on indica I put some thoughts to song]
And so we wonder so emphemerally,
as we float about the gossamer strands of melodies,
our souls released into the vast infinities...

Our daydreams captivate us, our relationships devastate us,
Caught up in our revolving drama, everything has already been done,
What is meaningless in a world full of liars, when all we see is our desires!

How can we be free when chained to the wall?
When is the time most fabled of all?
Losing grasp on reason, all failed to please him,
Then one was god for them all...

,... seems to be getting lame.... flow is now a trickle. Maybe more later, maybe not.



**********************
It seems for now I can't stop typing even though I no longer know what to say! It's just fun to type stuff.... I like typing!

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))))))))) Random, number of ( vs ) you decide, and they're not boobies!

Thies week I'm spending the weekend at my parent's house. The yhing is, I always end up bingng when I go there so I don't feel exciting about doing it. Each time I promise mylelf it will be different this time but it never is.
However, last time I visited, I didn't binge EVERY eveing like before so I really hope I will be able to stay binge-free for all 3 day I will spend there. I will be updating on my progress

And something about yesterday - I went at a party and than out at a bar. I had some snacks while I was at the party - not too much but for some reason I felt too full. Then, at the bar, I was feeling so fat and disgusting... I was watching all the skinny girls around, I remembered when I used to look like that. So my mood was so bad and I didn't feel like dancing at all (and I just LOVE music and dancing) and I left early. I want to look good again and have fun - I am usually outgoing person, I like parties, bars and so on but I also work hard at school. Right now I'm not doing either of those thing - neither partying nor studying hard. All I think about is food and how misserable it is making me. It's just awlful

I have just re lived an old memory from my past a long long time ago.
Call it a time travel if you want.

I have been where i was so many years ago.

I had an experience when i was young that shook me when i got older. An old memory came back into the surface when i was older and it was a scary one.
I went to the therapist some years ago and i think that is what triggered that memory.

I was outside a shop when i was about 7years old, where a man almost kidnapped me into his car.
Now it turns out that it might have been a serial killer who tried to lure me into a car.

There was a Swedish serial killer who drove around in different countries kidnapping and killing people on the way.
He has been convicted for some murders but people suspect he is behind even more, but because of lack of evidence they can`t convict him. One of these unsolved mystery`s is a little girl that he once admitted to having killed and then took back his statement later.
She was in my age and looked a lot like i did when i was appr.7 years old. She was killed about 8 years after my incident.

The murderer was active for several years and he was linked (maybe convicted?) for a murder done in a city in my country. To come to that city you need to drive on a specific road, i was on that road the day i met him, and the year also matches with that murder.

The girl who was killed many years later reminds a little bit of me.

Some of his victims had the same procedure as i did on the day i met him, they were going to a shop to buy candy. Another one was also going to a store to buy something.

I was a few metres away from his car when he asked me to climb into it.
He promised me chocolate and ice cream.

I said no and turned the other way.

There are more details but i am not going to tell everything.

I was short of becoming his next random victim, if i had gone closer to his car that day i know he would have pulled me inside it.

They suspect that he took the little girl to the forest and buried her there, he took the police there.

I have given the details to someone involved in the case.

The man is in psychiatric hospital where hopefully he will stay for the rest of his life.
He is a very disturbed person, i saw him in a documentary.

I cannot be sure that it was him, but i am more then 65% sure that it was, because of all the similarities and other details.

I am glad to be alive today, i am thinking about all the things i wouldn`t have experienced if i had been killed that day.

That could have been my last ice cream.

Its scary out of all the people he could have run into on his travels, he ran into me that day.
I was in the shop to buy ice cream and he had parked his car outside.

I presume he saw me in the shop and since i was alone he thought i would be a easy target, but it was in broad day light so making a scene would ruin it.

He is a well known serial killer in Scandinavia.

I am glad i won that day. So many things i wouldn`t have seen or experienced if he had managed his plan on that summers day.

So to all you with children, don`t be secured just because it is daytime, and make sure your child doesn`t talk to strangers, like mine did. If my mother hadn`t warned me about strangers i might have gone into that car? Its important to teach children how to be in front of strangers. Because i backed away it gave me some more metres away from his vehicle and sometimes one step is enough to save your life.

I feel very sorry for the girl who was killed, i think he never forgot about his defeat and so found someone who looked similar to me to fulfil his evil mission, so that he could feel as if he was professional.

Her parents missed their sweet child, and i think they still do. She went missing one summers day she was out to play. I remember the headlines when i was about 14years old.

Its sad he wasn`t caught before that day.

I have been thinking if there was anything i could have done different, so that he could have...

[ Continued ]

Accepting conversion disorder is no easy feat. I wanted it to be anything else but conversion disorder because not many doctors know what it is or how to cure it or even believe that it exists. I already have fibromyalgia and like conversion disorder, doctors act as if they do not know how to treat it or they don't believe in it. So I was hoping to have something that doctors were familiar with.

Fortunately, I was blessed to find a Psychiatrist and Psychologist who both have experience working with patients with conversion disorder as well as fibromyalgia. I was told the hardest thing is coming to grips with the diagnosis. It took a while but I am now in the acceptance stage and want to learn as much as I can to take back control of my life.

My goal is to meet others who have conquered or who are battling with this illness to gain support and ways of coping with it. I want them to know that they are not alone.

I'm so sick of all these common beliefs I hear people spew out of their mouths that are 100% WRONG yet seem to be accepted by all of society. It's impossible to find someone who will openly challenge them but holy sh!t they are WRONG! & I would bet my life a billion times over that you, yes you reading this, whoever you are, have some of these beliefs yourself. You're disgusting.