There are two energy systems trapped within your body. One system runs your mind so that lets you think your thoughts. The other system runs your body so that lets you sense or feel your environment.
You can imagine yourself as though you are the centre of your own universe. All that you encompass is within. Now when you have that thought just start to notice what your body senses about that thought. Notice how it feels in the body. That is a start of a new awareness and it is a good start. You are linking up the two systems to become all that you are rather than these fragmented bits. In every minute the potential to be one is always there. That is all that you were meant to be rather than who you are letting yourself be.
Aren't we all used to allowing our chatty mind to go on all day. God it never stops. Hashing over old news. Who did me wrong? What is wrong with everyone around me? Most likely we can diagnose the world at large. There is something wrong with everyone of us. Critical, bad tempered, impatient...I want to go the the highest building and scream to the world what I lack and what the world lacks. It is that bad.
That is where our chatty mind takes us when we give it no guidance and no boundaries. Most of us identify 100% with doing just that all day. Medicate, go to bed, feel the pain and complain is the result.
The content of our thinking doesn't matter. It is the pattern that we need to expose. So look around and start to notice how many people are trapped in a pattern of downloading complaint stories. Lean away from it and just notice that you do it too. This is our conditioning. We just don't notice how bad we feel doing it.
A meditation for the day. Thanks for everything I have received today. I have nothing to complain about. Write it on your white board and repeat it when you start to notice you are heading in a bad feeling direction. You might not believe it but words have power. Change is on the way.
There is no turning back once you know there is a choice and it is yours.

Grief is the problem of all things with me; to much grief; to much to handle; making me dissociate; and of course; if the reader had any idea of what Ive been through; you would know Im caring 100,000 pounds of trauma based un resolved grief; A child cannot handle 25 pounds of grief; they will shut down and become depressed and not function anymore or want to do anything anymore; they will be sad and stunned and be in a state of morbid lethargy.... just imagine if you had 100,000 pounds of it. One will not be able to access any of it; it will be a tornado tremendous wall that one is not allowed to be near; it will keep the person in a perpetual state of immaturity of a 7 year old for the rest of their lives; for the person cant grow; they cant get beyond the wall. Ive been working on this problem for a long time. And Ive created bridges beyond the wall; from one side of trauma-river to the other; However, the problem remains; if one where to cross the bridge; the grief would get so intense driving them back; the grief being like a growing furnace getting hotter and hotter as one approaches its epicenter.
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So; Im getting stronger and have bridges in place; the gaps on many past things are filled in and bridges in-place; However lads; lets get real for a moment; When I cross that bridge; its going to get lonely and hot; the heat I will not with stand and a strong funny feeling will over take me; Ill be leaving my childhood and the past. And a special kind of anger and aloneness sets in. And it hurts; but I must get past it; why? because once I get past it; My childhood belongs to me again; I can be me again without all that back-pressure; pressure from the unsettled past.... I will be facing it; over coming it and settling it; and then I can live in peace as I wish; and Im starting to get an idea of how I want to live it; for I lived it once before when I was young and I thought I had a future of what makes me happy at that time; and I want that feeling back; that feeling of loving life so much and the beautiful thoughts going with it.
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Women are the only area the gap is generally still much wider open; but its not. I know where Im going and what Im looking for. Im scared of rejection; really scared; but Ill have to get over it; and the problem with this is the gap; I mean; Im not up to speed yet. thats the problem. Im 3 years behind myself; what does that mean; when I ask a women out; Im hollow; not aligned; not myself; I fall into my own abyss because I want the women to complete me because Im not aligned; Im split energy; theirs a psychological vascular fission creating between my childhood and the adult; a 3 year gap between both energies not alined; When I ask someone out; Im actually asking them to save me; Im not really asking them out; i want them to take care of me and give me relief; when Im aligned with myself I don't need to do this because the gap is complete. And this is the problem I have with women; I need them to make me strong where Im weak; and of course; many women wont do this; they want me to be strong and they rely upon me because they are weak.
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I know the kind of women Im looking for; I know what will now work and what wont. I know 90% of the attractive women I meet will not work for me.... or more like 95% of the attractive women I meet or 99% of the attractive women; well; more like 98% of the attractive women I meet will not do. Id date all the others; but not marry them.
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I know what Im looking for; I kind of know where because I know its upward a long ways from where Im at; like going up a funnel into its drop spout; the women I want are highly intellectual; I don't mean masculine; Im not talking about feminists; I don't date that kind of filth; those communists are destroying America; and yet they like the privilege of all the toil that created it; all the blood shed that created the freedom of it; but they don't want to pay for...

[ Continued ]

I have been struggling with depression and anxiety for many years now. When I was diagnosed with BPD about a month ago, the only info I knew about BPD was what I had gleaned from the movie Girl Interrupted. So I went on line and read as much as I could about the disorder. I know a lot more about it now, but here is my issue. My already unstable identity is now thrown into chaos. Where do I end and where does this disorder begin? What characteristics are me and what are the disorder? I cant deal with the idea that my personality is somehow inherently flawed. Depression and anxiety are illnesses that I thought I would eventually overcome. But a disordered PERSONALITY?!! Yikes! This seems insurmountable! Yes my moods are very unstable. Yes I have distain for other people most of the time. Yes I have turbulent relationships. Yes I self injure. Yes I am impulsive. Yes I feel empty and I am lost. Yes Im self destructive etc etc. But cant these things also be symptoms of depression? Im so confused. Who am I? I thought I was just a troubled woman with past trauma, whos life didn't turn out the way I thought it would. Now I feel like a walking DISORDER! All I can think now is Oh Im so effed up, which is making me feel worse! Im really having a hard time with this label!!!!!

Wounded; Im still wounded! I did fairly well, until I got into the store and dealt with that clerk! She was to physically open; it freaked me out! It was to much! Like getting hit by the sun and causing sun burn! Anything in front of me like that; that is open! Its 2 much! It wounds me! No protection! I could respond! Ill try to stay away from her next time! Im trying to protect myself! My space! When I was at the counter; she was up close and open and looking me strait in the face! I did not like it! It's not my style! She was to open! She asked me if I wanted to play some game put on by the store; I said no;; and I just wanted to leave! I have agoraphobia and dissociative disordered and Im trying to get better and I am ! But not at that moment! It knocked me down the flight of recovery! Like getting punched in the face!

I have been doing better, healing up! Or attempting to heal up by looking at my inner stuff! Im slowly starting to understand! The child is healing in me! And moving into the present; forward!

I cannot have people right in front of me in my face or space! I wont stand for that kind of intrusion! I have to watch it!

ITs hard! I have very little ability in front of people! This has stopped my love life completely; however, hopefully I will get better! Im getting better! Im not dissociating like before! Im slowly getting better, but still cannot negotiate anything in front of me! People; they don't understand this!
I have to be choosy on who I associate with! I don't like clerks at stores because they stand right in front of me; most are cool about it! Some are strange and arrogant! I don't understand! I must get around other people! I hate it, that I cant stand up for myself, but I cant! Over exposure kills me!

I was doing better until tonight! I must learn to ride to the big store tomorrow and get what I need!

Talents;
I have talents; I don't know what to do! Im praying about it right now! I have no practice room! Im slowly learning how to visualize such things and write about them as if I have it all ready! Im waiting on God! I don't get it! I don't want to play games with this!

Am I supposed to do art or not! Why wont God come through for me! Whats he waiting for! Ive tried to make things happen! What am I supposed to be; supper man! This is ridiculous!

Its said that when all doors are closed to you; this is a sign to go into another direction! What other direction am I supposed to go into!

I love to create stuff and all doors are closed to me! I don't understand! I suppose I ask God to open doors!
I need a practice room! At some point; Im getting tired of asking! Im not sure what to do! Im healing up! I don't have money for a practice room! Im no longer interested in throwing my talent out to others while I practice; it's ruining me! Im waiting on the Universe!

I will start to through my case directly go God and ask why?! Is this door shut to me! Should I be going in another direction! This door and area seems completely shut!

I also love telescopes, but have no place to set them up! Should this finally die away! I don't get it! I need a backyard for the telescopes! Is all this some type of joke! This life!

I cannot do art; I don't feel comfortable doing anything in front of me because I live in an apartment that anyone can hear everything I do! I hate it! I don't feel safe doing art! It just doesn't work for me! I start to shut down and shut off! Im not safe in my own space!

All I can do is watch porn or study success stuff from Youtube! How to be successful! This apartment is no good for anything else! It's a joke!

So, and; washing clothing and keeping the apartment clean! This is hard!

I lift all to God! And my job is to talk to God about it! I will continue to great my goals! Im not sure I understand!

So, Im at a different place! Im starting to become social; Now, I have girls calling me! Meaning, Ive created enough attraction with them! and Ive learned to back away from them; they are calling me! But its just starting at the ver beginning of the beginning...

I need more confidence! Confidence in asking others out! Im scared because I have no life! Im honest about it! Im trying the best I can!

The girl at the store who I thought showed signs of liking me, scared me to death! I was not prepared for her to like me! I ran! Ive never come back! Possibly if God wants me to go back I will. So far, nothing! Just fear! Fear at the core. I don't know what that means! danger; I don't know.

Biggest problems;

1. Dealing with the strange romantic situations;

A. 2 years ago, a women came to the meetings and liked me. If caught me off guard. I liked her, but could only stare at her from across the room. I could never show my real feelings. However, I would share about my deep self to the group. I could never go near her! Finally a dance was coming up! I ended up at that dance! I danced with her all night! It was assumed in the morning we would get to know each other be a couple. It never happened. Instead, my Dissociative Disorder took over and shut me down for 6 months. I had to leave the meetings and stay away from people. I had gotten to physically close to this women at the dance! and in the morning I seized up psychologically!

I returned to the meetings 6 months later; the women was gone! and I was on a new journey in my recovery process. Finally, lately, as I am now able to interact much more; the girl shows up! I have not seen her for 2 years.

She has very little interest in me! Im a throw away she became frustrated with 2 years before! However, yesterday and today; instead of staring from a distance, I said hello and sat down next to her and talked to her! it was horribly hard. I had been in love with her and Ive held all of it in! I have talked to others about it, but never to her! She was told by others how I felt! She looks at me as a little boy not to be taken seriously! She is dating a very ruthless gutless sociopath convict! So, she has her needs met with her man! Im left some place in LA LA land over this!

I have a need to spill my guts to her! And I might get the chance, but there is no chance of a relationship unless God wants it! its not man made possible; she has to much baggage! Part of the baggage; she does not care or have a conscious about having the baggage!

Ive decided to give her attention until she realizes I really liked her and cared about her; then stop!

Im not her boyfriend, or her friend! Im something else! I could have been her friend; she does not need me as a friend or anything else!

I need her I guess?

So, Im working through my need to know this person and her effect on me when present with her! I would like to get over my feelings for her; what good are they! I will ask God for help!

Many things about this girl I do not agree with!

B. As I open up, I have attracted a women that finds me fascinating! We've gone to the park a few times with frisbee. She called me tonight to check on me! she can't leave me alone! I know she likes me! What if I just want to stay friends... what if I want to date other people! All of this is getting confusing!

So, its slowly upon me! Im using techniques I continually study. I use techniques that keep things " push pull" it makes me appear fascinating to women!

Im learning to go over and talk to them, not be so scared! And that is working!

I have to ask God about people! and not worry about the rest of it. It hurts, Im a bit hard broken over some of it! I have to get over it!