i feel like cap and i hate this because i feel like i did his to myself. my only friend got a boyfriend and she never wants to hang out with me anymore. i feel so abandoned and it sucks so much. i started trying to look for more people to hold onto in my life but i've come to the realization that i'm by myself and i'm scared.
my parents don't know that i was diagnosed with depression or that i'm on anti-depressants. i don't know how to tell them. i feel like such a piece of crap and i feel like a loser because it seems like no one wants me in their lives. i've never felt more alone. i spent my birthday by myself because everyone forgot about it and my only friend chose to hang out with her boyfriend over me. i hate myself so much and i'm so ashamed of everything that i'm going through. i can't even talk to my councilor about it.it just seems like the only time people want me around is so they can use me or for like sexual favors but none of them actually wants to spend time with me. I don't know, it sucks feeling like one ever thinks about you or misses you.
some twisted part of me thinks that the only way to get over losing my best and only friend is by hating her. i don't know how to explain that to my councilor (therapist) without seeming like a bad person.

Hi. I am new here. I have been looking everywhere for info about WHO names the alter. Is it the alter themselves or me? I have no recollection of naming mine....

Any help would help. Thanks.

-Sky

Hello,

I’ve been diagnosed with schizophrenia (but they have also called me schizoaffective/depressive type and schizoaffective/bipolar type and previously, bipolar and related disorder with psychotic disorder unspecified) and obsessive-compulsive disorder. I recently decided to go on the antidepressant medication, Paxil, since my family has a good history with this drug. I also chose it because I do have trouble with managing my anxiety and I often find myself feeling down all the time. But, I mostly just did not want to feel my overbearing emotions, especially since I’m going through a traumatic heartbreak right now. My primary doctor prescribed me with 20mg of Paxil, but I’ve been taking only half the tablet since the night of October 4th and I was instructed to do so for eight days before taking the full pill. And nothing became a problem for me until the first full day, after I took the other half of the pull. It was night time again (I take my medication at 7:55pm) and it took less than an hour for me to feel nauseous. I developed a mild headache afterwards, but it soon became severe. I was suddenly dizzy. I then began to hallucinate; objects appeared to move closer to me and colored stripes flew across my face. It was extremely hard for me to relax, since I was very agitated. I was shaking and sweating, too. My body cramped up and I felt a shock of pain shoot up my collarbone. I couldn’t sleep and it was getting very late and I had to work the next day, but I really just could not sleep. My thoughts were racing so fast, and I believed that I was having sexual intercourse with my coworker as I laid in my bed. I did eventually fall asleep, but when I woke up, I was still anxious and shaky. It became even worse when I arrived at work. More people than usual were in the break room, talking and laughing so loudly, and my heart started to race again. My chest was getting unbearably sore and it was hard to breathe. I clocked in some time later and it was very crowded in that grocery store. My hands trembled so much that it was much too difficult for me to bag groceries, to walk back and forth to other checkstands and I was getting extremely irritable with the customers who wouldn’t speak up. I was panicking so much that I had to ask to take an asthma break. That’s when I ran into my friend, and once I saw him, I became euphoric, suddenly. I then did something that I would NEVER do if I didn’t feel that out of alignment. I asked my friend, while giggling like a high school girl, if he could be my *work* boyfriend. He didn’t agree to this, and instantly, I became enraged at how he didn’t view my optimistic views. I grabbed him by his shoulder and nearly shoved him through the hallway of the break room so that we could be in a more private setting, but he parted from me and that made me even more upset. I demanded that he follow me, but he was hesitant and said, “I don’t - “, but then I growled at him and motioned for him to follow me. He then lowered his head a little and slowly walked over to me. I then explained to him about what I meant to say, as best as I could, since I was in such a terrible state of mind. I referred to a conversation that we had back in September and he didn’t recall it, which made me super pissed at that point. I was about to batter him, my friend — I wanted to hurt him. We did hug afterwards and I told him that I’m “on a new medicine and that I feel flushed”. I clung to him and apologized repeatedly and once I got home, I yelled, screamed and acted so out of control. I alternated between crying spells and stability. I didn’t know what I was feeling. I wanted to kill myself. I thought of cutting my wrists and banging my head against a wall. I wanted to die more than anything. I even texted most of my friends, even the friend I wanted to hurt. I sent him a long paragraph about how sorry I was. I even tweeted a celebrity, in hopes that they would understand my rampage of emotions.

I won’t be able to see ...

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In order to attract a wife; I have to be husband material…
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Im in that process now!

I have to start over in 2025.
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Ive started over with hidden kindness in 2025. Im learning how to go out into society and secretly do kind things for others without them knowing it. I really like it. And I want to do more of it. I start out with simple things. I draw a smiling face in the dirt on a trail; I take a rock and put it on the side of the road and have it represent a friend I pray for. I pick a flower and put it on a grave… and pray..
I secretly sweep a small part of a sidewalk no one would know about; cleaning it off for the one who lives there… No one would even notice; But I know; its an act of kindness. Maybe I take an apple plucked from a tree; and put it down next to a bush on a corner of a street with the idea that a poor person might come by and eat it if they were hungry. And by doing so; I show caring love and respect to God and what God created. Im acting as an Angel for God on earth.
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These are examples of what its like to start out simple and at the beginning of learning how to be kind to the earth.
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RELATIONSHIPS;
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How do I start out practicing relationships coming into 2025. Where do I start. Im just practicing bringing myself from the past into 2025; where would I start from. Its all about grief. What would I be doing. Where would I start.
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What simple starting things can I do… to build a presence one movement at a time; one simple thing; simple movement; gesture; silent practicing gesture at a time in 2025.
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Ive been shyly; simply purposefully saying hello to people at specific and random times in 2025. However; This is even 2 much for me as a starting point for bringing the beginning elements of relationships into 2025.
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How do I start out. Maybe do small things for women; Kind things; I mean; really basic things; just simply kind gestures. Something like that in the vain of direction of women in 2025; something that breaks the ice; just the most simplest of things in 2025; Or even simpler; much simpler things in the vain of direction of relationships; things not associated with people. Maybe with animals and plants or imaginary things. Ill talk to God about it. I may have to start with child level things from my childhood and rework my childhood.. one small gesture at a time; slowly facing the losses and horror of that time period where I was melted down and destroyed and lost all… God help me… God is helping me…
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God help me! I can see it; starting out in my childhood… Ill do childhood stuff; OK; Ill have to talk to God; I have no idea; its been a long long while since I was a child.
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OK; Ill start at young young young childhood. And work with God on the most simple things to get started with; simple interactions; maybe with plants or bugs or blades of grass; or water; just simple starting points of connection and more. Sound; hitting on things making sounds. I don’t know yet. God will help me and let me know; Amen. Its a starting place; an idea. I get it; the starting out before I start out on a thing; the pre development of a development years. Developing the basic abilities that would go into the overall processes for developing development.
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Ill just start out with on simple unassuming gesture at a time. I guess; I talk to God about it; Amen.
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SO; I talked about all of this at meetings..
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I am slowly getting better socially; its just starting; Im slowly bringing in the sunlight of the spirit of God through me and my nervous system that is dissociated from reality.
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The goal is to have the sunlight of God get so developed and strong that it takes over as my identity and how and what I think about; so; all thoughts are pushed or molded into the stream of light of Gods pathways.. Energy rivers and quantum fields.
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The goal is to set forth on desires and goals within my vortex; That I see them recognize them; and match their frequencies in the real world… I do this many w...

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