When did I trade in my slashing creativity for this numbing peace?
When did I trade in my sharpness to be around?

When life is nothing but a platitude;
When we seek nothing but gratification;
When we are forced to acquiesce;

The sky turns gray;
The coral turns ivory;
The indigo ocean evaporates leaving nothing but sepia dust.

An old soul leaves an old shell, and can't find another home as we have our hearts sealed shut;
We will forever remain empty,
Searching for who we are,
Rabied with thirst that cannot be quenched.

The next goal is; Dating
;
Go out into the world and do kind things to others without telling them; Or Do good things for other people…
Do good for others and feel good. And or; do things I love doing that make me feel good; Then
Go home; Get on my knees immediately; with head down; Pray to God for the desire to manifest with enthusiasm for a soulmate. Im not to suggest who what where when why; Im only suppose to get on my knees with enthusiasm and believe as I prayed for meeting a soulmate… Believing God would hear me and help me with enthusiasm. And then after a certain amount of time praying to God and believing; Get up and go about other areas of life with confidence and enthusiasm. Its about real love and belief for God.
Is about believing God will help me… and take care of me…
.
I am not to imagine when praying; I am to only send my feeling of hopefulness of my desire when on my knees to God and to think about God.. or pray to God like a child pleading to their father for a new bicycle. How could a Father say no….
.
I have no control…..
.
.

.
Problems Im finding with meeting new people; I have no control. As a man; I have no confidence with women; no power; nothing! I have nothing because they have the choice how far something can go… They say yes or no to the next step of meeting up somewhere for coffee or a walk in the park or for a bike ride or… That first date.. or what ever.
So; Its hard; whether Im getting somewhere…
.
So; I have to pray first and just take a chance with her and see what she says if I ask her out…
.
If she says no! Or I get ghosted; and that is that. So; all of this is very hard. But it is what it is…
And I have to learn raw strength and make it through it until I end up with people who are serious about a relationship with me…
.
Ive never been in any kind of relationship with anyone… Nothing I want to talk about.
So; this would be my first authentic girlfriend… where its done right. Where it starts out with God and innocent desire for a concept; like soulmate/girlfriend/wife… Family… And so on…
.
Praying to God on my knees…
I learn to take the concept to God; First I pray and us meditation to align with God… Alignment is the most important of things. Go do things that make me feel good and wait… See who shows up; and Im praying all day long like this; and more meditation during the day… and more praying on my knees and waiting.. I wait on God and go do things I like to do and wait and watch and look around.. and see who shows up at times….
.
God has full control; full power; I have nothing but prayer to God…
.
And their it is.
.
And this is where Im going.
.

.

.

.

hey, I’m new here, just wanted to share my experience. I was hospitalized a year ago late April after becoming psychotic. for the most part I loved being manic though I suppose it is unfortunate that I went Facebook live a lot during this time so that my crazy was documented. every day I feel embarrassed by my past. I always considered myself happy though I definitely had substance abuse issues for many many years. after the hospital they diagnosed me with bipolar, I don’t think my doc believed in the 1 or 2 diagnosis all I know is that I was only manic and since the hospital and meds have only been depressed. I tried pretty much every med and I didn’t feel any difference between any of them, I have only felt numb and wonder what happened to my former gregarious, life of the party personality. I quit the meds about a month ago cold turkey partly because I no longer qualified for Medicaid and partly because I wanted to see if I could become myself again. no luck so far. I was 100 lbs when I went into the hospital which was scary thin but 50 lbs later, I have lost all confidence. I never struggled with confidence before. I feel like my life has been ripped away from me. When I was manic, I felt a strong higher power calling, i saw connections everywhere. I miss that. I miss the mania but I’m also scared to become psychotic and hospitalized again. I have been living with my parents for the last year, I am 36 years old. It was my mom who called 911 and had me committed. I worry that I will never forgive her for this even though she felt like she had no other option and likely I needed to be there. I think about suicide all the time but know I would never put my parents through that but it feels like my life is over, that it will never get better, I have no personality anymore, nothing to contribute, no purpose...

I almost posted this on the forums, but midway through, I figured it's not exactly about mental illness so it's probably better suited for a blog post. I hate to post another rant on my blog so soon, but I might as well finish this up since I'm already halfway through it.

My mom became pregnant with me by accident, but when she learned she was pregnant, she decided she was going to keep me. My dad, however, he wasn't keen on being a parent. He thought it was a little much. My mom tells me he insisted on her getting an abortion and when she refused, my dad ran for the hills. He high-tailed it out of there so hard, he actually fled the state! Real talk though, he completely abandoned us like the coward he is. He left the state so he wouldn't have to pay child support. My poor mom was left to raise me on her own. It wasn't easy for either of us and I'm sure we still would have been in a bad place financially even my dad were in the picture, but I'm sure it would have been easier on my mom. She wouldn't have had to work two jobs just for us to get by and hire a nanny for when she'd be working late. At least we did make it in the end, no thanks to my good-for-nothing dad.

Just a few years ago during my later teen years, my dad would re-emerge and when he did, he wanted to get to know me and become part of my life all of a sudden! Ain't that neat? Now that the hard part's over and he doesn't have to be bothered with any of that pesky child rearing nonsense, it was a good time for him to become a dad. More real talk. Now, I'm not an angry person. Heck, I could count the times I've been genuinely angry on one hand! My dad having the audacity to decide he can just waltz back into my life after abandoning me was one of those times where I got really angry. I'll spare you the gory details, but it got pretty ugly. At least I let him have a good piece- no, a huge chunk of my mind. He tried being apologetic at first, but I was having none of it! Then he tried pulling the "I'm still your father" card, like he's entitled to some respect. I wasn't laughing then, it kinda made me even angrier. But I can laugh now! WOW. Whole lotta WOW.

He had no right to try starting up a relationship with me out of the blue, that was one thing... But to then act like I owe him something because he's my father!? He was NEVER a father figure to me! He was much a father to me as a sperm donor is to whoever uses his sample. How dare he? He didn't have much to say when I was telling him off. Of course not. What could he possibly say to defend himself? I did tell him if he wanted to make things right, to start paying my mom for the years worth of child support he owes...

[ Continued ]

Hi i'm a 17 old female n lately i've been truck with Pocd,i hate kid and never saw them as a trouble for my life but here it go.I like anime n lately attend a fandom relate to kid.I love the charater n follow alot of artist on twitter.I gotta say their art is not so pure..I enjoy the art but never thought it will effect my real life.The moment i thought i get over Pocd is when they came back.I was scolling throw my facebook and then a picture of real kid naked who look like my fave charater pop up n next to the kid pic is the pic of my fave charater.Then i got mix up feeling with that kid n a bunch of imagin happend.The rest of the day all i do is want to throw up n cry alot.I've talked to my parent n they clam me down a little.All i know that will never forgive my self n the guilt will follow me for the rest of mylife.i was so upset with the thought turning to the preson i most disgust,every time i think about that i feel panic n throw up.I just need help n bring my old self back..