id like a 9-5 job, my own house where i lived alone, id come on from work cook tea, chill watch some tv have a bath and go to bed, id keep it tidy and it wold be nice and quiet. i do get bored alot though. atm i only have one friend who is my long term partner. would i miss her if she wasnt here i dunno.would i want to make more friends probably not, the idea of it is nice though but i dont go out much only to work and shops really.
the thought of all of the above is appealing but could i really cope with being alone for the rest of my life, would i enjoy it or fall into depths of depression

im not happy in my relationship and feel she is taking a lend of me always wanting something its just little things but little things add up, i cant remember the last time i was happy and i cant end the relationship properly because we have a mortgage and i ant just leave and get a new house cos we are 2yr into a 6 yr IVA for unpaid loans (long story) so my credit rating is shot, if i just moved out and rented i dont think i could afford it and its like why should i move, her parents live near us with a huge house plenty room for her, but she would probably say well why should i move. if we put the house on the market it might not sell and if it does it would need to sell before we could move so i think that would be really stressful for me to try and get everything to sync up. and plus even if we sold for 90k, paid the existing mortgage off would leave about 20k and then the IVA would want at least 10k so that would leave me with maximum 5k. which is not enough for a deposit on new house and i f i rented i could never be able to save for a deposit. a few months ago i thought maybe i could go move back with my parents but its not ideal at all id have to sleep in sitting room on a pull out bed which is a inconvenience for everyone and they rent form the council so dont know if id be able to live there.

i want to be happy but its like everyday i like her less and less and that is not how it should be, she says im always having a go at her, which is probs true but its mostly always about house stuff like cleaning up after herself, helping to keep the house tidy. we havent shared a room for years now and her room is always a tip like stacks of dishes covered in mould, clothes and rubbish everywhere. i know its her room but its not on ive been trying to get her to sort it out for months and last week she brought most of dishes down.
she always says you knew what i was like before you got with me, yeah it was the same when she lived with her parents and she used to pay me to tidy it. but when you get your own house your suppose to grow up. i am 29 this year and she is 28 now, at that age i feel like there should be some kind of maturity even at work we work the same shifts at the same place and shes always talking in the handover and being unprofessional at work, i mentioned this and she just said i need to losen up and have fun yeah i probs do but not at work.

i live with my partner which is 40 mins away from my parents so rarely see them if i put holidays in at work i tend to go over i last went over in January so this month i decided to go over for a couple days as i had nearly two weeks off, i have an anxiety disorder and the night before i was suppose to go was hell for me firstly i couldn't sleep and i was up 4am i was pissed i couldn't sleep cos i was so tired and really anxious. anyway we have a porch and the holdall i wanted was in there so i brought it in sitting room and within like 10mins there was a spider crawling on the floor ( i have a huge fear of spiders and at a really bad point in my life i thought they were plotting against me).
i have cats and they wouldn't get it so i had to deal with that my anxiety was though the roof, earlier i had taken an anxiety pill but it didn't do anything. and I've got a cat lewi who always whines on and scratches the door, he hadn't shut up since id gotten up so that pissed me off.
im normally OK with going to my parent i dunno why i wasn't his time, it was now like 8am and i kept thinking i haven't got enough time to sleep before i get picked up and ill be tired and when i get to parents they will have a late night and then dad will wake me up early. they also have a dog that is huge its a cross between a grey hound and a saluki or something well he doesn't leave me alone always jumping up and scratching me and hurting me cos hes so big. and when i go i have to sleep on a settee bed so each night and morning i have to sort the bed out and when i leave i have to vac pack the bedding away. so all this was going round in my head and then i just started crying not sure why and then my partner got up and i started crying again and told her i just want to be fixed but i dont know how. going to my parents has never caused me this much anxiety before.
anyway i managed to calm down and get couple hours sleep and i went to parents, i wasn't there 10 mins and the dog had scratched all my arm and got my face too i know its not his fault hes only 2 but doesn't realise how big he is. later he jumped on back and really hurt it ovs i was pissed. anyway didn't end up going to bed till about 1am.
the next day mam had jobs for me to do as usual, i had to set up her printer and show her how to print pics off, and had to set up my dads wireless headphones and then she wanted me to put books on her kindle and make a dvd for my dad.
the next day went shopping for a few things and at night they were watching a tv series but i just sat in the bedroom they watched 3 episodes and then i went to bed and had to sleep on top of the quilt cos the beds not comfortable and hurts. when i got up we had dinner then my mam brought me home.
i was worried about going worried about leaving my partner i dont know why and i was worried if i didn't go my parents would die and id regret not going.
now im home and have 1 more day off before i have to go to work and i really dont wanna go back, i know everyone must think that but to me my job is stressful (i work nights as a carer in a care home for elderly) and i work with very lazy people there one in particular i always work with and i cant stand her but shes on holiday when i go back so i will be working with agency staff which stresses me out to cos most of the time they dont know what there doing. at work i like things to be done properly but no one else seems to think the same way and its like if i dont do something no one else will

i dont think i have IED now i think it is a learned behaviour, i went to stay with my parents for a couple of days and just watching them made me realise i probably grew up thinking my behaviour was normal because both of them arnt necessarily angry but they raise there voices at the smallest things and get kinda hyped up over nothing, so if ive been brought up with them doing that all the time ive kinda learned it and believe its normal, im feeling kinda happy that i dont have IED and now i think i know what causes my anger so now i just have to try be more aware and in control and think theres no need to get angry at this insignificant thing, which probably will be hard as i dont think i think much i just do like ill just flip in a second, im gonna try work on it though, and remember in the other post i mentioned going off on one cos the towel didnt dry me and made my skin feel horrible, well twice ive used the same towel, the first time i could feel my self getting hot and i was pissed off but kept going and i didnt loose it. the second time which was last night i didnt feel hot or pissed but just kept talking to myself silly things like come on you need to get dry it will dry you etc. i did use alot of talc as i didnt feel i was dry but i didnt end up chucking it all the the bathroom and making a mess.
so overall i think i have made an improvement, ive just gotta remember to talk to myself and try calm down before i explode

I have struggled with anger for many years, not sure why i tend to get angry at the smallest thing and my anger is way out of proportion compared to the situation, this may sound totally stupid but here are some examples i can be fine one moment and then get dressed to go out and say my clothes are too tight or just dont feel right i just flip and go into full blown rage where i feel i cant control it and usually ends up with clothes being ripped up and ruined. also last week i bought some new bath towels and when i used them i felt they were not drying me but carried on and i could feel the anger building up inside me and then i just lost it, i had a bottle of talc powder in my hand and ended up squirting the whole bottle all over the bathroom, after my outburst i was still kinda mad cos now i had to clean the bathroom.
its just silly little things and i know reacting like this is not normal and my anger is now effecting my relationship, im not sure what causes the outbursts and i dont know they are coming. i need some advice on how to control this also has anyone heard of Intermittent Explosive Disorder? is it a real disorder as cant find much about it in the UK.