id say i had a typical childhood but when i really think about it i dont think i did.
i cant remember much till i was 10, that was when my nanna died (i always tend to blame everything on that event whether its true or not i dont know) i was very close to her spent time with her everyday i remember the night she died but my memories are different to my mams. i remember going to hospital after school on a friday me my mam and sister and sitting in the waiting room we sat for hours not being able to go in to see her, then a couple of staff came in and said she was very critical and then they walked out but came back seconds later saying she had died. i remember my dad was out and he came to to the hospital and walked straight in to see my nanna which i didnt like cos why couldnt i see her. obviously i was hysterical upset and i wanted to see her after she died but my sister didnt want me to cos i was only 10 but my mam let me anyway, i remember how her hand was still warm.
she was in hospital fr a few days because she had a heart attack and that is all i remember form that whole event.

my mams memory:
on the thursday my nanna was awake and sitting up and talking and i think my mam was expecting her to come home.

i have no memory of seeing her on the thursday i dont know if i blocked it out to make it easier or if my mams memory is altered, i have no idea

so from that day friday 8th sep 2000, everything is a bit blurred over the years but everything went downhill i started drinking at around age 12 to the point i was an alcoholic i remember my hands shaking at school cos i needed a drink, i drank all the time, i had really bad mood swings i could flip at any second i experimented with drugs and sex, i started self harming nothing too serious but i remember one specific memory, i was in the shower and we had a glass door and my mam came in and seen marks on my arm and she was smoking and she said " tell me what thats off or ill burn you"
i dunno why she would say that anyway i lied and told her i had an itchy arm and used a plastic cd case to scratch it. thats a very vivid memory that has stuck with me and i have kinda learned that trate like if someone had a tv remote instead of saying pass the remote etc i say give me the remote or ill hit you etc. i know thats wrong.

basically all i remember apart from that form age 10 to 15 16 is being depressed, wanting to die, drinking, having sex, being in pain, self harming, being so angry.

from age 17 to 28 i have had bouts of depression, self harming drinking and gambling problems, anixety

if anyone has read this please give me your opinions do you think that one event my nanna dying could have caused all this or i am just using that event as an excuse

just a little intro to my life, ive had depression for about 17 years and this year got diagnosed with anxiety disorder, not sure if i was mis-diagnosed in the past or if i have both, im not on any anti depressants just on anxiety meds. i struggle with anger to the point of blind rage at the smallest things, i went to therapy once which was a complete waste of time.
basically im starting this blog to get my feelings/thoughts out and to learn more about myself wether i have real problems mental disorders or im just an angry person. and to also learn about my past, maybe writing things down and reading them back will give me an idea if my childhood etc was "normal"