I have blocks; places my mind goes into the past and looks at what happened I cant handle and what I wished would have happened. Now; a third area; where Im at now in reality and the strength and power of now; being here now. Being present; not in the past.
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So; PTSD brain in the past... Im slowly working through that to emerge into the present. Im learning how to focus on the present; The problem is the middle ground; all the bad stuff that happened that is not processed; and the grieving of the past.
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Maybe Ill sit and write about it so I can get in touch with what I Was going to do with my life when young and start over... Im still not connected to that person; its still like looking through a monitor at who I was in the past; like a TV show going by; but Im much closer to integrating more n more of myself and goals from that time period. Ill keep working at it.
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I'm frustrated because I want that person back; back in the present.. not disconnected like its another alter... I want that information integrated back into my life. being part of me.
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Ive worked through just enough of the past to know its all in my nervous system and mind and emotions but not real.. Its thoughts that have over came me... That have taken over my brain completely until I dont know where im at...
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Im getting somewhere but not enough yet. Im still in the fear and terror of the past but Im also present where non of that exists And in the present Im working on new narratives for my goals in the future and present.
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The goal is to get back to the present working through the trauma of the past; all of it; brining all of me present again.
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Ill keep working with the universe. One of the problems are the bullies that got into my face and my space; that ruptured me... and the sexual abuse and stuff like that. Im trying to work through those things and not be a victim anymore; Im not sure what to do about them... keep working at it,.
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The goal is to keep writing narratives about what I want or expect to happen in the future. Keep writing as if its already happened and add lots of emotional interest; For example. I love my new car; I love opening the door; it feels so good to open it and look around. When I see the stereo I feel so enlightened and exited when I turn on the tuner and the music is blaring and when I sit down in the seat I feel like a race car driver... And so on... emotions..
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So; its hard to say what is going on here. Im getting better; my mind is clearing.. its not perfect. I still have it owned at a deep level by those who over ran me when I was young. One of the keys to success is to break the trauma bonds of all those when young. It seems many people had them on me and I didnt know it. The first girl I loved had one on me. The best friend up the street had one on me; I guess. My mother and father had them on me. one set of grand parents had one on me at different level. I was bought and sold; did not have my own life. So the trauma bond affect appeared from all of these people including teachers... I was hated or over ran with contempt by others. I did not trust others. I still dont. For good reason.
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So; getting my life back; not yet. Not in reality yet. Its still owned by others.
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As for trauma bond; could be it was from parents but being ran down I was affected by others. Looking back; say; best friend up the street; He appears just as much a perpetrator as anyone else; he was using me; he was not a friend of mine; he was manipulating me as much as anyone else. He was just as bad. I did not know when I was in grade school. I know now. I knew he was no friend of mine when that family system I was living with was destroyed or disintegrated... My best friend up the street was no friend. Nothing. So; I guess he and his family just faked it when I came over? I dont know. non of it makes any sense; maybe it was a form...

[ Continued ]