I am in full counseling now, fighting casino urges all day, every day. When I get paid I pay any bill I can get to. Trying to keep myself broke.

I thought it was going good. I self banned from my favorite casino. But there is another one. Honestly I now realize I lied to myself. That 2nd casino that I never visited much was my reserve plan. Whether or not I said it out loud it was there in my head. So during my weakest points I have been going there. 4000 last week 6000 this week. Its my escape from life. I am depressed it came to this. I have disappointed myself. I feel terrible. If I can't be trusted with money I should not have access. Why can't I get that through my head. No money equals no gamble. Simple.

I made an appt with a counselor and actually am going. I am so tired of not being over the urge to go to a casino and gamble. The urges come and go but mostly come. I am fighting everyday and I am getting tired of it. My 1st apt is tomorrow. I am starting to think I can go once more. After all I have been away so long. My brain is saying how bad can it be? If I win money not bad at all.But I know I won't win because it would all go back to casino before I leave. So I am taking a leap of faith and getting professional help. Bringing out into the open hopefully will bring my logical brain back.

The urge is strong. I was actually thinking maybe I will leave really early in the morning and be back home by lunch time. I was thinking that I will only bring a few hundred dollars, no cards, no checks just a designated amount and try my luck with controlled amount. Or...... I could take that same money and go clothes shopping? I started thinking that I could buy fall leather boots, some sweaters and a skirt or slacks and still have enough left for lunch. OK shopping is going to win because It's a sure bet. Self Talk Shopping for fall wardrobe, fall shopping, lunch. I need to keep writing to talk myself off the ledge. Self respect.

I have not been near a casino (for fear of relapse) in so so long. But lately my brain is saying 'you can handle it". There are days when I think I can. I did self exclude from 1 of the 2 casinos near me. So I could go to the other one. I never cared for the other one before and am not that familiar with it. I am so tempted some days. I keep self talking saying STOP you know better! If that day comes, hopefully I can fight it.... but if it happens it will be devastating and I know it. I try to remember how worthless I felt, how broke I was, how tired I was. I used to play so long at the slots that I could still hear the music in my head while driving home. Just writing this is good. It makes me stop and remember how it's not worth it. Whew OK for tonight.