I cannot believe this torture, it difficult to endure. I know this is MY blog, But I also know people read it. So I am forcing myself to be truthful, not easily done when you live a life of addiction. Yes she ( me) did it again. $2600.00 bucks, 2 hours sleep, I am at work, hating myself. I am disgusted beyond belief. Why Why Why?!
I must have a serious mental problem. If any of my friends were doing what I do I would think they need serious help. Most people don't do what I do. Is my double life hidden so well?
I can even fool myself now? I am embarrassed to even admit what a worthless human I feel like. I want to crawl in a hole. Thankfully none of you know me or I wouldn't be able to show my face. I can barely look at myself.
Do I make promises to stay out of the casino again, knowing I will probably be lying to myself. Do I pick myself up and just try harder. I don't think I am committed to giving this up. How can I be if I am there?!
I am afraid I may be destined to be another degenerate gambler for the rest of my life. Which won't be long in that smoke-filled, stressful, depressing building. I just don't know anymore. I suppose this is a step for me though. I came clean here, which I have never done (as the tears roll down my face). But I am hiding here as well. Feeling ashamed

Yesterday was a temptation. I actually started to head to casino. I worked in the morning into the early afternoon. When I was finished I thought I do have the rest of the day and there is "freeplay' in my account. I am going to go for it. Nothing better to do. Then I thought of the money, $800.00 in my wallet. Self talk while driving....You will blow it (the money) you know you will. Do you really need to waste your time in the Black Hole ruining your body, sitting, pushing buttons until God knows what time? Go find something worthwhile to do. I turned the car around in someone's driveway. Drove to the supermarket and spent $85 on food. I bought food for grilling, drove to my friends house. He was mowing the awn. He looked happy to see me. I said we are going to have a barbecue! He was so happy. So I went inside made a massive fresh organic salad, marinated salmon steaks and cooked up some rice w/pineapple. I threw together a simple dessert. When he was through with mowing everything was ready.
I said let's eat. We did. We ate, talked, laughed, told jokes, poked fun at one another. Then we made a fire outside and talked some more. I went into the house after a couple of hours and brought out dessert. he said 'I sure don't know what I did to deserve all this" I smiled and said I can't thank you enough for letting me chill here with you today, it was good for my soul.
Feeling good today. Going for a walk.

Today is Saturday, there are free offers sitting in my comp account. The offers are beckoning me. I have washed cabinets, walls, appliances, stripped my bed trying to rid my mind of the thought of a visit to the casino. Still the thought of the "free play" is looming, swimming in my head. I could just go play the "free money". I will be strong. Just the free money that's all. I will leave my ATM card home (no I won't).
I think I will vacuum. I am going to cast the monster out of my brain. I am going to try really hard today. Heck I may even wash the windows in my car. Just for today I will ignore that annoying nagging in my brain. My goal is to feel that I have accomplished something, I want to be in control. I am feeling strength entering my mind/body by simply typing my thoughts.

I am a business woman by day and a compulsive gambler by night. Nobody knows. I hide it well. I live by myself, work myself, with the exception of dealing with clients but no coworkers. So I am not really accountable for my whereabouts.

Per usual today is filled with regret and shame. I stayed at the casino last night from 4:00 p.m. until 3;00 a.m. hey that's not a record for me. I lost a boatload of $. But here is what I really lose each time I go there...my dignity.

As I drive 90 miles one way to the casino I think of nothing but getting into the VIP parking and jumping on that elevator toward the casino hall.. Have you ever noticed how outgoing and friendly people are when they arrive at the casino? Everyone is all smiles and jovial in the elevator. Not that way when we leave.

The elevator door slowly opens and bam my senses are on overload, the bells, the lights, the sweet smell of incense. Oh I hope nobody is at my machine. With 10, $100.00 bills neatly packed in my wallet I am hopeful. I can sit and sip Bombay and tonics, I have a $250.00 food credit, which I will use at the finest restaurant complete with steak and pear martini's. But for now my appetizer is machine time and Bombay.

Yes! Nobody is at "my" machine. I slide my comp card into the slot. I reach for the 1st $100.00. The hungry monster aka slot machine, slurps it up. I will play max. I always play max. If I am going to win I have to be aggressive. In order not to notice the 100 dollar bills being shoved into the machine I will need to have a Bombay and tonic soon. Ahh there she is. 'excuse me, may I please order a Bombay and tonic in a snifter" response; "a snifter, oh you need to be a high roller" I pull the comp card out. It's black, it's a high roller card. "of course", she replies.
Ok I have to up my game....
I am on my 3rd $100. Nothing. I am on my 2nd drink (sedation). Time to move. Where is my next favorite machine? I am calculating how much money I have available. If I play dollar machines I could win bigger than if I play quarters. Dollars it is. 45x $1.00. I better win quick I will put in $200.00. I won $1500.00! Let me cash out the ticket. I will not cash it until I am on my way out later. Yeah right! I have said that a 100 million times!
And so the story goes...I am an addict, it's never enough, it never will be enough. I am pathetic. Not looking for sympathy, I just want to get it off my chest. I am disgusted with my lack of self control. I am embarrassed to seek help. Afterall I am a successful business woman. I drive a nice car, have my own business and home. My children are grown and successful. AND>>
I will be at the casino again. I will drain my bank acct. I know ALL of this and still I am like a zombie, I am walking dead.