It's 5 AM and for the past hour and a half I have been fretting about my hospital experience. No matter how many times I remind myself the nurses and my doctor were only doing their jobs, I can't help but to feel dirty and empty. I really don't know where these feelings come from. One moment I am a completely normal human being functioning on a level that even surprises me and the next I am a rage-a-holic and I feel completely devastated. There doesn't have to be much around to trigger me. The feelings have a mind of their own and operate whenever they feel like it. I am at a loss about what to do.

I started this blog hoping I could get some of these horrible feelings off my delicate chest and I think the blog is a wonderful idea. This way I can type out what I'm feeling whenever the mood strikes me and whenever I find the time in my hectic schedule to do so. I have a feeling I will be up typing multiple times in the wee hours of the morning or as some people like to call it the butt crack of dawn.

The truth is I don't sleep well at night because I'm usually fretting about something insignificant or I slept too much during the day. I think I may have a tinge of pregnancy insomnia and to be perfectly honest, it's driving me crazy. I want to be up during the day when all the activities are going on and people are actually awake. I don't like being by myself for long periods of time. However, right now my young son and my husband are sleeping and I would feel guilty if I woke either of them up. So here I sit, typing aimlessly on my new keyboard.

Anyway, back to the hospital . . .

It's like reliving a nightmare every time these emotions surface. It truly is like being molested all over again. What's funny is these emotions never bother me till after the fact. I never get angry or hurt or devastated till after the fact. It usually takes a few days too. I mean I feel fine a for a few days and then my whole world comes crashing down and I am left wondering what the hell just happened. I don't know why I can't just be normal. Millions of women give birth and have no problems whatsoever. Am I the only one who feels this way? It makes me long to be someone else. Someone like my sister in law. It makes me long to be a self righteous idiot who is blissfully stupid just like her. Then if I were stupid then I wouldn't have these feelings. I wouldn't ponder about things too much.

But I am quite intelligent on a lot of things and I think that's my main problem. I over analyze things and think about emotions way too much. I honestly don't know what to do but I do know worrying about these thoughts is driving me crazy. Perhaps I should return to therapy but I don't really want to. To be perfectly honest, I am one of the most stubborn people I know and if I can solve a problem on my own then I am much obliged to do so. Besides I never really opened up in therapy anyway. I would answer my therapist questions to the best of my ability but I never really divulged anything overwhelming or hurtful. I don't like talking about my feelings to strangers even though technically my therapist isn't a stranger but whatever. It doesn't really matter much now. So maybe I should return, maybe I shouldn't. As always I am over thinking it.