Lately I've been dealing with strong emotions of disconnection from my young son and husband. Well that seems to have dissipated and now I am left wondering how I truly feel about my pregnancy and motherhood. I know deep down I love being a mother. It really is the most rewarding job I have ever performed. But sometimes I am frustrated and low and just don't want to deal with my son. I guess I feel a little empty sometimes and for the life of me I can't put my finger on it. Perhaps it is the third trimester of the pregnancy messing with my brain. The thought of adding a little girl to my family is overwhelming but for some reason I feel I am up to the challenge. I don't shrink away from challenges like I use too. I find I face them head on and use my common sense and life experience to figure problems out. I suppose that is part of growing up and moving on from a selfish life to a more giving and selfless life.

Maybe I am going through a break through with my emotions. I still feel the embarrassment and shame from my molestation but for some reason it hasn't been bothering me as much as I thought it should. Perhaps there truly is healing at the end of the tunnel and maybe, just maybe, I can learn to forgive and move on with my life. I haven't pushed the idea of forgiveness completely out of my mind. It wasn't all bad with my stepfather. When it was good, it was really good. We use to have discussions and conversations about whatever was transpiring in the news or some interesting news we heard that day. I guess I could forgive him and move on. It seems like the logical thing to do because the longer I hold on to these feelings the longer I will suffer in my own misery.

I feel the longer I allow these emotions of shame and embarrassment to rule my life I am no better than a poor dog returning to lick it's own vomit. I feel the longer I give into these emotions the longer I am meant to suffer and I am just banging my head into a brick wall. I guess one day you have to look at yourself in the mirror and stop playing the hand you've been dealt. You have to stop being the victim and be the stronger more thoughtful person. Sometimes you have to play your own game and deal your own hand. That concept sounds a bit foreign to me because I have become so use to playing the victim and sulking over the hand life has dealt me. Maybe you can get over this? Maybe I am becoming stronger and more in tune with my life? I don't know. It's all very confusing to me.