It's been a while since I've updated this blog. Last time I was active I was dealing with a lot of anger issues. I guess I came out of that successfully because I no longer harbor anger toward anyone for anything. With the release of my anger there comes a while new set of challenges.

Now I take seroquel, prozac, gabentin, clonidine, and geodon. I take these everyday with the only exception is I take more seroquel than I'm suppose to. I call seroquel the one and I take my prescription of the one plus my husband's. I'm trying my best to break this cycle.

It appears for whatever reason the anger has shifted from being angry with others to being angry with myself. This morning while everyone was asleep I had a bout of anger but it wasn't really directed at anyone in particular. I suppose I felt angry with myself because of the situations I have put myself in. Somehow I always find a trigger and it festers inside me and allows the angry and depression to grow to full force. I'm far from being stupid and can usually recognize my triggers and stay away from them but sometimes I allow myself to fall in the anger and depression vortex. I don't know why I do it. I think it's because sometimes I want to be the old April who relished the anger, drama, apathy and sadness that ruled my life. My old life wasn't simpler and it was far more painful but sometimes there's that old feeling that I would like to return to it. I don't particularly understand why I feel this way but sometimes I do. The feeling doesn't come often, I mean once in a blue moon if that, but it does come at the most random moments.

For the most part I've had a good day and I plan to continue the evening with positive feelings instead of negative ones. Other than the bout of anger this morning things have been going pretty good. No reason to bitch.

I realize this is a short entry but I simply have nothing important to say. I bid everyone a good evening.

I haven't been feeling all that great lately. I've been dealing with a lot of physical and emotional pain. The physical pain is from the pregnancy and the emotional pain is from memories of the hospital. I know most people would tell me it's time to move on and what's done is done but it's simply not that simple. I went through a lot and I think that should be validated and understood and not swept under the rug as if I'm only being over dramatic about the whole situation. I suppose that's why I don't want to return to therapy because I know what she is going to say and personally, I don't feel like opening up to someone I barely know. Therapy is good and it helps a lot of people but it just annoys me and makes things worse for me. I want to be strong enough to handle my own emotions but my emotions are so twisted it makes it hard to do it alone.

Sometimes I do feel alone because it seems everyone around me is living their life as they see fit and I am stuck in a moment screaming for someone to understand me but I don't make a sound. I may as well jump to the conclusion no one understands what I'm going through or gives two shits about my situation in the first place. Most people around me assume I am doing fine or are too superficial to understand the railings of someone who is deeply hurt. It seems everyone has their scrawny little heads up their asses and fail to stop and realize someone around them isn't doing all that great. I'm not going to talk to my family about it because frankly they don't know about my molestation and they are far too stupid to comprehend what I am feeling in the first place. I have superficial conversations with my family and I know it'll never venture deeper than that because like everyone else they are assuming everything is fine. Well assuming makes and ass out of you and me and I am sick of it.

Everyone is like "oh look at April. She's so well put together and so intelligent, kind, stable and whatever other adjective you want to throw in there." Well screw you. It's not easy being me and frankly, if you knew how bad I feel and how much I dislike you, you wouldn't be speaking to me. Perhaps I expect too much out of people but I thought surely to god they would be able to put two and two together and realize something was wrong. Are people just dumb or am I stupid for wanting people to understand something I am tired of repeating? I dunno, I'm just tired of all the negative feelings falling on my shoulders.

I'm not really mad. Please understand I am not mad at anyone in particular. I think most of my anger is self-directed and it drives me insane. I know deep down things are getting better. They get better everyday. It's just sometimes I have dark moments and it feels like I'm in a pit of despair. I don't know really what to say anymore and when I express it I get some freaking emotional about the situation. Like I said I want to control my emotions but I guess I'm not at that point yet.

In other news I am having some problems with my in-laws. It's pretty petty and superficial and it resulted in some of them being taken off my Facebook, but that's stupid. Everyone has a right to their opinion and it seems when I express mine people take it the wrong way or jump to conclusions. My sister-in-law blew me off again for the fifth or so time so I told her about it. I'm tired of being disrespected by her. I ask her to come down and see me and her nephew and allow our children to play but it seems she is always too busy to fool with me. So I am done fooling with her. Simple as that.

I'm done fooling with my brother-in-law too. I took him off Facebook, as his request. Him and his girlfriend post all their drama on Facebook and to be honest, it's a bit tiring. To say they have a lot of drama is and understatement. But whatever, it's over now and I have moved on to bigger and brighter things.

I don't really talk about my hospital experience because most of the time I don't know how to describe how I feel or what my head is thinking. It does bother me sometimes but most time I don't give it a passing thought. I would return to therapy about it but I find the sessions useless and when you have absolutely nothing to say it makes for a very boring session. So for the time being I think therapy is not a good option for me although a lot of people tell me otherwise. In the past years, the past year especially, I've learned you have to make your own decisions and do what is best for you.

It's not that I don't want to talk about the hospital, although sometimes I do clam up and don't feel like being bothered with it, it's just that I don't know how to express my feelings. I don't know how to express how worthless the whole experience made me feel. I suppose it's easier for me to type out my feelings rather than verbalize them. I know no one hurt me or violated me but I do sometimes feel like I've been molested all over again. Like my molestation the experience didn't bother me at the time nor did it bother me for the first few days after the experience. Rather, it bothers me now months after it happened.

After I was molested it didn't bother me. Of course I felt weird and out of place but it didn't eat at me on the inside. Now? Now it does bother me. I wish I didn't feel these feelings so far along after the fact. I get angry and agitated after the fact a lot. I picture what I could have done perhaps should have done and I kick myself because I didn't do what I think I should have. Things always eat at me after the fact and it drives me freaking insane.

I mean these feelings don't bother me much but when they do bother me they really bother me. When I feel down and worthless then there isn't much that can lift me back up except perhaps the love of my husband and son. Perhaps I should talk about it more so I'm not so closed up and feeling bad about myself. I don't really believe in New Year's resolutions but if I had to make some (other than drinking more water and not allowing people to control my mood) I would say I want to be more open. I want to be open about expressing my feelings instead of allowing things to eat away at me. That's what I think I'll do.

Anyway, I ended up darkening my hair to a nice caramel brown today. I think it looks nice and my husband agrees. I've been drinking more water, per my husbands suggestion, and I have been feeling a lot better lately.

I would like to end the blog on a positive note so I will just say I am feeling rather well today and hope the SAD is ending. I think it is.

I usually only write when I am having a particularly bad day or a hard time but this evening I thought I would write to reflect on some of the better things in my life. First, I am truly blessed to have such a valid and understanding husband who doesn't #######4 with me but only tells me the truth when I need to hear it. Yesterday I was feeling miserable because of the physical and emotional pain I've been in lately and he told me straight up not to be so agitated because it only makes things worse. I didn't take the advice well at first but eventually came around and saw things his way. He is highly intelligent and never fails to help me out when I am feeling down, sad or depressed. So if I believed in god I would thank him for my husband but since I don't I suppose I will thank AIM for allowing us to talk for the first time over ten years ago.

Second I am extremely thankful for my nine month old son. He truly is a great baby and doesn't really give me any problems at all. Right now he is teething though and since he is having some gum pain he is a little cranky. But even when he is cranky he doesn't bother me because I really love him and cherish him. He is so intelligent too. He already knows how to play toys and to pull himself up on furniture to walk and to crawl. He is also an awesome eater and hasn't turned down anything I have given him to eat. Well, except the guacamole but that's a whole different story in itself.

Third I am blessed because soon my husband and I will welcome in a new baby, a baby girl. I'll have a boy and girl so I guess I'm lucky to have the set. So far all the ultrasounds have been positive and she looks to be healthy and growing at a rapid pace. At first I was skeptical to be having a girl because it seems there are so many boys in the family but I got my reassurance during my 3d/4d ultrasound. I'm so excited and people have been giving me plenty of clothes and whatnot. My little girl already has four bags of clothes and a box. I should say we are prepared. And the good thing is this is our second and last baby so we aren't going into the experience blind. We have experience. I've scheduled my csection for March 11th which means I only have nine weeks left. This pregnancy has flown by. I don't know where the time has gone.

So although I go through some hard times it's always comforting to know I have such a wonderful family who has my back. I mean basically everyone else can screw off most days because I have the support of my family and that's all that matters to me. I mean it's always nice to have as much support as you need, which I do and I am thankful for that. It seems I shouldn't ever be sad but sometimes my lingering depression creeps in and I become agitated and depressed. I don't like to consider myself a miserable person anymore because most days I feel alright.

In conclusion I am truly happy and thankful for all the blessings and people in my life and that's where I think I will end this blog.