Perhaps it's the lack of sleep. I stayed awake painting and it got so early it didn't seem worth going to bed.

It's a beautiful morning. All my flowers are blooming and I felt sad I couldn't share that with him.

I decided to water the garden to take my mind off it. I had the headphones on up loud because I was listening to good rock. A song came on and it seemed to speak directly to me. For me.

It wasn't a song we ever shared and I know he doesn't care much for the band but suddenly I UNDERSTOOD this song. I found myself wiping tears away. Not only did the song seem to speak for me but for him also. I know he would relate to it if he listened to it properly. He doesn't use headphones, so perhaps it wouldn't be as gripping as it is with the lyrics so closely sung into your ear.

I am glad I decided to write here and not to him. In retrospect it is sort of funny that I could be bought to tears by a very heavy rock song. It wasn't even a ballad. It just made that bit in my chest hurt. For a moment I let myself feel all the emotions I push down on a daily basis.

If anyone is interested it was Soundgarden - The Day I Tried To Live Soundgarden - The Day I Tried To Live



I am really trying to keep my thoughts from missing him today. It seems to be much closer to the surface today.

I am treating it with music. No sad or melancholic tunes today

Only music that takes me to a place where I can't help but be hypnotised by the groove or overwhelmed by the driving rhythm. Bass lines that swing around clear drums; bright and constant as a heartbeat. Riffs that make me wish I had been more devoted to practicing guitar when younger.I love a guitarist who can make deft fingers sound effortless, a touch of nonchalance or a swagger to their style. Inherent than learned skills. Likewise with the vocalist, natural, visceral, unbridled. I am particularly drawn to low, rich baritones especially if they can also sing high.

Singers that tease and intrigue, sultry, smooth, intoxicating like melted chocolate before twisting and ascending to notes pure and unfaltering like gold

Like making love, music should be authentic, flowing instinctively. It should excite and incite a physical and emotional response. Music should be magnetic, arousing, spellbinding.

Here is an example of what I mean:

QotSA - Misfit Love (Live on Henry Rollins Show)


I don't need a lover, just music.Haha yeah right........But it stopped me writing to him.If nothing else.......