Depression.
Something I was diagnosed with and prescribed anti-depressants for in my early twenties. I am now in my early forties and still being treated for depression and anxiety.

There have been periods of time - a year here or there where I have gotten off them but soon enough I will find my joie de vivre slipping away.

I dropped my dosage perhaps 2 months ago and perhaps I have been a little hasty considering the hellish year and the recent breakup.

I notice that perhaps I am becoming depressed when I stop singing in the car or the shower, showering is a chore, waking up is hard, getting to sleep is hard. I smoke too much pot (despite knowing it is probably adding to things). Energy levels drop to that of someone physically ill. I start to retreat and become insular. I have even noticed recently that I have reverted back to single player video games rather than those with interaction.Starving oneself to be thin. Using benzos to make me numb. Any drug offered I will accept without question except alcohol, opiates and hallucinagens.

I haven't written in this blog for a few days as I guess I haven't wanted to acknowledge that perhaps I am not quite right at the moment. I mean not that anyone reads it even. It's just something I wanted to do for myself but somehow it felt kind of vain or something. Chucking all my ideas into the ether as if anything I say has never been said before.

Despite the 28 day achievement, I have had moments of missing him and wondering if he is OK. Remembering a time when things were so magical. I even let myself shed tears over him.I don't want to become vulnerable to contacting him. I know it is way too soon (if ever) and I need to recover.

So I guess I will put the effexor back to 225mg. I don't know. I am sick of meds but without them I am sick.