Wednesday, 9 November 2016
10:22 AM

Watching the fireworks on NYE 2015, spirits and hopes were high. It seemed to have been a year in which everything that could go wrong did. I remember exclaiming 2016 would be my year. That things would be better for everyone. They had to be right?

By the end of 2015, I was a year into tumultuous affair with my first love from High School which was on and off depending on his state of mind. There had been several break-ups, each dramatic and confusing. Given it was an extramarital affair I was not able to do all the normal things you do when you break up such as talk to people and cry and talk some more and cry some more until your friends tell you to stop! Instead, I had to act like everything was 'fine'

In no way am I seeking any sympathy for having to wear the sadness alone. This what I deserve for betraying my marriage vows. I knew it was wrong and I accepted that I would have to deal with the emotional fall out myself.Adultery is really not my thing. I never would have considered it until my (at the time separated) husband had a stroke. Sex does not work for us, him physically and us both psychologically.I never wanted my husband to feel less of a man or that he could not fulfil my needs so I reached out to someone I trusted. I needed that intimacy.

At the same time I was working in a high stress executive position, I was using diet pills and xanax to cope with stress, however, when I got made redundant last May, I really lost my spirit. I lay on the couch for 6 months wallowing in self pity. Medicating myself into a fog. 

Then last Spring one of my best friends and former boyfriends died from Cancer. It knocked me for six and I still can't believe he's not here.

The cherry on top of 2015 was the guy I was having an affair with ringing me at my family Christmas, drunk and abusive and leaving my family worried and confused.

In the first week of January I got a job. I was certain this was a sign of the fortuitous year ahead. I celebrated my birthday on January 30.

[i]On February 1st, my husband was diagnosed with a rare head and neck cancer. Stage 4[/i]. 

So 2016 I spent being a nurse really. i quite my job to be a full time carer. He was so close to death I amazed he is still here.

Obviously with my husband having cancer, the affair took a back seat somewhat It was long distance and we spoke regularly but I was unable to see him very often as my husband was 58kg, being fed through a naso-gastric tube and needed me to help him with everything from toileting to administering medication.

I am pleased to report that he seems to be in the small percentage that will make it though.So many times I thought 'how will I cope? I can't cope!', but it is November now and the final scan is December.

And guess what....

I coped.