As a serial procrastinator, it is very easy for me to let things slide. Things like paying bills on time, applying for jobs, clearing out my wardrobe, any kind of government requirement that needs forms, like the census or voting (although now that I have seen Trump become President, I will be sure to always exercise my right to vote, although here it is not a right but a mandatory requirement of every citizen).

But this is all about to change.

I have felt like my life has been on pause this year as I left work to care full time for my husband who has/had (yet to know if it's clear) the dreaded scourge of diseases, cancer.

I won't go into how awful cancer is and the various horrible circumstances I have been other than to say it has been the most hellish year that I have lived yet. That disease has always been a terrible fear since being present when my stepfather died from it in 2008.

Looking back, I really wasn't at all emotionally ready to deal with such a thing. It wasn't how I expected to see someone die. I think I expected it to be like on TV - the monitor would flat-line and we would weep as he slipped away painlessly. I had no knowledge of the dying process until I started reading the brochures at the Palliative Hospital. When I arrived I had expected his death to be imminent but suprisingly when I entered his room he was awake. I would not have recognised him had I not been told it was him. Tumours in his head had made his face swell to the size of an obese person yet his frame was skin and bone. I remember being really conscious not to look shocked at his appearance. He couldn't talk much but he was happy to see me. I was wearing new boots and he liked them, then he went to sleep. On TV this would be where it ends, him peacefully sleeping. Instead I sat with my mum for 2 nights and 3 days. Mum and I took turns sleeping on a roll-away bed. Not that either of us slept much, we were just listening to each laboured breath, wondering if this was the last, then being startled when another breath came.

To cut a long story short, he didn't go in his sleep. It was during the day, my aunt and uncle had stopped by the hospital. He was unconscious but we knew he could still hear. So we were soothing him and telling him he could let go etc. Suddenly his eyes opened wide and he started to panic. He was trying to speak, grasping at my hand desperately. I called the nurse and urged her to bring morphine. The two nurses looked at eachother and one said something to the effect of 'he doesn't need it now'. I looked into his eyes, already I was crying. Then suddenly his pin prick pupils dilated into big black discs and he was gone. As for weeping, I screamed until I was hyperventilating and my poor mother wailed as she lay her exhausted head upon him.

Well that was something I wasn't expecting to write about and I am considering deleting it as this post is about how I am about to start grabbing life by the horns. Living each day like it is my last and be the confident, high achieving woman I know that I am.

Perhaps it's apt that I don't delete it. As I make the decision to actually LIVE instead of exist day to day, it makes sense that I would reflect on mortality. We are both strong and fragile and this is how we are meant to be. If I can appreciate my fragilities it can only make me stronger right?

So, if I were in a 28 day program to break a habit, I would be halfway. I am very proud of myself for retaining the 'no contact' rule and I can even say I haven't even looked at him online (which was really tempting).

I am not in a program though so I am very much flying blind. I haven't talked anything though with anyone (except this blog). I haven't really got a proper toolkit to deal with this. The only tool I have is to remember things he said or did that hurt me, raising an anger in my belly that helps me say NO whenever I am tempted to send him a message/email/phone call.

It is probably not the ideal tool for the job. The anger will either fade away too soon and my resolve may weaken, alternately the anger may stew and bubble inside me until it becomes disproportional.
I don't want to become bitter. I don't want to hate him, yet here is no point in letting myself still love him, I'm not ready to even like him again yet. I would settle for ambivalence right now.

It has been enlightening though. I have poly drug addiction and I cannot imagine myself being able to give up pot or benzos for 14 days. But obviously I could if I wanted.

I just want to want to give up.

Perhaps it's the lack of sleep. I stayed awake painting and it got so early it didn't seem worth going to bed.

It's a beautiful morning. All my flowers are blooming and I felt sad I couldn't share that with him.

I decided to water the garden to take my mind off it. I had the headphones on up loud because I was listening to good rock. A song came on and it seemed to speak directly to me. For me.

It wasn't a song we ever shared and I know he doesn't care much for the band but suddenly I UNDERSTOOD this song. I found myself wiping tears away. Not only did the song seem to speak for me but for him also. I know he would relate to it if he listened to it properly. He doesn't use headphones, so perhaps it wouldn't be as gripping as it is with the lyrics so closely sung into your ear.

I am glad I decided to write here and not to him. In retrospect it is sort of funny that I could be bought to tears by a very heavy rock song. It wasn't even a ballad. It just made that bit in my chest hurt. For a moment I let myself feel all the emotions I push down on a daily basis.

If anyone is interested it was Soundgarden - The Day I Tried To Live Soundgarden - The Day I Tried To Live



I am really trying to keep my thoughts from missing him today. It seems to be much closer to the surface today.

I am treating it with music. No sad or melancholic tunes today

Only music that takes me to a place where I can't help but be hypnotised by the groove or overwhelmed by the driving rhythm. Bass lines that swing around clear drums; bright and constant as a heartbeat. Riffs that make me wish I had been more devoted to practicing guitar when younger.I love a guitarist who can make deft fingers sound effortless, a touch of nonchalance or a swagger to their style. Inherent than learned skills. Likewise with the vocalist, natural, visceral, unbridled. I am particularly drawn to low, rich baritones especially if they can also sing high.

Singers that tease and intrigue, sultry, smooth, intoxicating like melted chocolate before twisting and ascending to notes pure and unfaltering like gold

Like making love, music should be authentic, flowing instinctively. It should excite and incite a physical and emotional response. Music should be magnetic, arousing, spellbinding.

Here is an example of what I mean:

QotSA - Misfit Love (Live on Henry Rollins Show)


I don't need a lover, just music.Haha yeah right........But it stopped me writing to him.If nothing else.......

Wednesday, 9 November 2016
10:22 AM

Watching the fireworks on NYE 2015, spirits and hopes were high. It seemed to have been a year in which everything that could go wrong did. I remember exclaiming 2016 would be my year. That things would be better for everyone. They had to be right?

By the end of 2015, I was a year into tumultuous affair with my first love from High School which was on and off depending on his state of mind. There had been several break-ups, each dramatic and confusing. Given it was an extramarital affair I was not able to do all the normal things you do when you break up such as talk to people and cry and talk some more and cry some more until your friends tell you to stop! Instead, I had to act like everything was 'fine'

In no way am I seeking any sympathy for having to wear the sadness alone. This what I deserve for betraying my marriage vows. I knew it was wrong and I accepted that I would have to deal with the emotional fall out myself.Adultery is really not my thing. I never would have considered it until my (at the time separated) husband had a stroke. Sex does not work for us, him physically and us both psychologically.I never wanted my husband to feel less of a man or that he could not fulfil my needs so I reached out to someone I trusted. I needed that intimacy.

At the same time I was working in a high stress executive position, I was using diet pills and xanax to cope with stress, however, when I got made redundant last May, I really lost my spirit. I lay on the couch for 6 months wallowing in self pity. Medicating myself into a fog. 

Then last Spring one of my best friends and former boyfriends died from Cancer. It knocked me for six and I still can't believe he's not here.

The cherry on top of 2015 was the guy I was having an affair with ringing me at my family Christmas, drunk and abusive and leaving my family worried and confused.

In the first week of January I got a job. I was certain this was a sign of the fortuitous year ahead. I celebrated my birthday on January 30.

[i]On February 1st, my husband was diagnosed with a rare head and neck cancer. Stage 4[/i]. 

So 2016 I spent being a nurse really. i quite my job to be a full time carer. He was so close to death I amazed he is still here.

Obviously with my husband having cancer, the affair took a back seat somewhat It was long distance and we spoke regularly but I was unable to see him very often as my husband was 58kg, being fed through a naso-gastric tube and needed me to help him with everything from toileting to administering medication.

I am pleased to report that he seems to be in the small percentage that will make it though.So many times I thought 'how will I cope? I can't cope!', but it is November now and the final scan is December.

And guess what....

I coped.

Sometimes, if I feel anxious or depressed, I turn to music.I am passionate about music and music production over the years.There are some songs which I know will take me away - they are so well composed that you cannot help but let them fill your mind.I recommend wearing headphones, that way you can hear bass lines and nuances you may miss without. What are your 'perfect songs'

New Order - Blue Monday
[url]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FYH8DsU2WCk[/url]



Donna Summer I Feel Love Original 8 minute 12" version 1977
[url] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B2qI6UDD2uQ [/url]


Bill Withers - Lovely Day (Original Version)

[url] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sYi7uEvEEmk&index=54&list=FLQoMm-L1jkWVSVADCpZ95_A[/url]


The Sugar Hill Gang - Rapper's Delight ( HQ, Full Version )

[url]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rKTUAESacQM[/url]


Off the Wall Live 1979 HD

Whatever you think of MJ. He could perform. And those pants are so freaking cool.
[url]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S11eGmzM-4E&list=FLQoMm-L1jkWVSVADCpZ95_A&index=67[/url]


Johnny Cash - Folsom Prison Blues - Live at San Quentin (Good sound quality)
[url]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wG0fS4DoGUc[/url]

Think about when and where this was recorded, the equipment would have been minimal, yet the quality of this recording and the energy of the crowd.....well if it doesn't give you goosebumps, you aren't letting yourself listen properly!


David Bowie - Ashes To Ashes

[url]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CMThz7eQ6K0[/url]

Massive Attack - Teardrop
[url]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u7K72X4eo_s[/url]