quietgirl2538's Blog

by **quietgirl2538** on Thu Jun 11, 2015 1:28 pm

I have attended one Zumba exercise class and I don't want to let the instructor down by not going, so I plan to go this morning again. Yesterday I went to the evening class. It's lots of fun and I don't mind that I suck at getting any or much of the moves right. I have a lot of fun. I feel as if it is taking such a big risk by letting another person influence my decision of just staying away from everyday things so I can just hide out and isolate myself at home. Oh, sure I do little things with the kids, but overall I stay at home. I consider myself a homebody, except when I can go shopping at the mall. I love to shop till I drop, almost literally. I met this instructor at a home party and he is very talented and is so kind. I really like him and I felt almost obligated to attend since I said I would go. Now I want to go and enjoy the dance class.

by **quietgirl2538** on Wed Apr 29, 2015 9:23 am

I feel good and stable and getting on with life. No drama in my life, for the most part. Drama triggers me into a mood swing or into a low and can possibly set me into an episode. That's a fact. I am dealing with what I consider rejection. If this person calls it something else I'd like to hear what he has to say once he stops rejecting me, because he won't talk to me. It is because of an incident when I was manic/hypomanic. I can imagine all kinds of scenarios but the only person who knows what is going through his head is him. But he won't talk to me except when I bluntly asked him through an email, to tell me if were still friends and that if he didn't answer then I would know the answer. No we aren't friends. Turns out we are not friends but we are still talking, whenever he wants to talk to me, that is. Drama.

Other than that I feel good, life is going pretty good if not great, and I hope it continues that way. We will see what my next post tells me.

by **quietgirl2538** on Tue Apr 14, 2015 9:46 pm

I am diagnosed as Bipolar mixed. I have had so much suffering this past holiday season. Especially with depression. I became suicidal in January. I don't like to feel like this. But it seems it is not my choice other than to seek help from the psychiatrist I see, as soon as possible to get my mood stabilized. More recently, I experienced the worst depression I've ever gone through. I did not attempt suicide but I waited until I felt better and I do feel wonderful now. I love life and I love how good I feel everyday. With my illness, I can experience a low mood of depression in the future, but hopefully it won't be as severe as the last time. I, however, know this illness already. It can be unpredictable, but I feel hopeful in knowing I have set in place a support-type set up to help me make it through until I am stable once again, if I got as depressed as I was this past time. There is set up phone numbers of people who love me, they can come be with me too, the suicide hotline, doctor, therapist, a hospitalization if necessary to help me weather the illness until I am well again and not a danger to myself. I don't want to get to that point. But it's set up there just in case. That plus faith, faith in God, faith in myself , knowing that things will be ok, that I will be ok whatever happens. I'm not afraid anymore, nor am I already giving up.

by **quietgirl2538** on Sat Apr 11, 2015 8:30 am

Don't really feel like updating. At 3 a.m. in the morning, life just doesn't seem that great, now does it? Feeling ok, enjoying the moment type of thinking and doing it too. I really have this great attitude and I am sure it will last a long while. I feel more grounded in the belief that I am ok, that I will be ok.

by **quietgirl2538** on Fri Apr 03, 2015 8:35 am

Therapist says I'm manic. I do find it hard to believe. Tonight I had some thoughts. I'm fearful to say it's racing thoughts and also psychosis. Monday I make an appointment as soon as possible to visit the doctor. You know what I don't fear this. I'm ok I tell myself, what is the big deal? I really think that. I don't see prominent behavior or thoughts. I guess because in the past things had to get really bad before someone noticed or I hated myself for my behavior. I blocked myself from getting into facebook. My husband has my new password and I hope I stay away from it too. I couldn't get the email changed so I wouldn't try to get the password again set up, anyway. I don't want to be so sick I do something I will embarrass myself with. I have no inhibition right now and that is why I did this. My husband knows what is going on for the most part. I just didn't tell him everything I had spent money on. I asked him not to ask me. And that the items could not be returned. The psychosis, in the past, has gotten out of hand and usually it isn't until the crash of the depression that I feel and believe things are not well. I usually wait for the depression to go away on it's own, but last two times or time before last I landed in a hospital. I was very ill. And the depression did not go away on it's own. I absolutely had to have medicine. Crossing my fingers I am ok. But I've said that to myself plenty of times.

Wanting to step out of hiding

Little bit of Drama

Update: Life view

Random thoughts

Unsure and unknown future

Who is online