It seems like I've only written little updates here and there, not necessarily a Blog, per se. So much has happened in my life since my biggest and worst episode that started the decent downhill for my depression, beginning in September of 2014 and it ended Feb.26, 2015. 6 Months!!! 6 miserable months of my life, bipolar has taken from me. I don't hate it, I lived through it and I knew no other life, nor that my life was better than others. I just hung on and when I felt I couldn't hang on any longer I turned to loved ones for help. My husband, my dear friends. I cried and cried and my friend heard me and let me just cry some more. She stood by my side and said what she thought was helpful. I'll take the kindness she offered even if her words were way off. I was very ill, I was suicidal. I don't want to trigger anyone here so I'll just leave it at the point that I would have had to be protected from myself in a hospital, but the medicine the doctor prescribed was finally working and it was completely in my system. In December the doctor was trying another medicine to see if that would work against the depression and it didn't, that was Latuda. I was taking 120mg and the max. dosage is 160mg. (I'm not 100% sure of this fact). So during all this time, my depression was quickly getting worse and worse. I was experiencing mood swings and so much severe depression. And life goes on, I would have to go on with Christmas, feeling nothing. No joy. The kids put up the ornaments and the garland. My husband put up the tree. I barely took out a few boxes of decorations for the house and set them up. That was all I did. No meaning to it. Buying presents didn't mean much to me either. I love to shop and this past Christmas I didn't want to go anywhere. January was the worst month of this episode. I didn't know if I truly was going to make it, to be alive another day. My mind was playing tricks on me. I couldn't stop thinking about how to make an exit from this world. But I was either entering a hospital until I became stable or the meds would help me. So I made it. I was no longer suicidal, but I still had little issues, although nothing severe. February 26 was the day I woke up feeling like a new person. I have bipolar. There is no question about it. There was a time I would question the diagnosis, do I really have bipolar? If I stopped taking all my meds would there even be a difference in how I felt, because maybe I really don't have bipolar? This episode showed me that I'm mentally ill. That I have an illness called Bipolar, it's bipolar 1 mixed. That's what the psychiatrist diagnosed me as. During those times I was so ill, I began seeing the therapist once again. I had gone months without seeing her as I felt fine and figured I would be fine for a good long while. I was going every week, being told that if I needed to be seen on the weekends it was fine with her. I was very very ill during this time. I can understand how all of us who suffer with mania, depression, psychosis, how we keep it to ourselves because for me I was afraid for other people to see what was going on in my head. I didn't want to scare them. I was going through hell, if not worse. And they would be helpless in trying to help me. It was my mind I was fighting and there was not way to win unless you had medicine to fix it.

So now it's August 15. I am very happy. I have happiness and joy in my everyday life. My family is a blessing. Life in itself is a blessing. I thank God for so much and especially for my mental well-being so I can enjoy the pleasures of life. I have experienced lots and lots of insomnia. But it is nothing compared to my last episode. I am taking meds and different meds until something works for me. Right now I'm at 100mg of Seroquel. That stuff is good. Last night I slept soundly. I hope it continues to work. I rather like it.

The summer came and went. Bipolar-wise everything is good...

[ Continued ]

There are a lot of things that need to be done. I am doing my job of delegating. I'm good at it. I see the doctor soon and will post what transpires. OMG! Big word! I trust it will be alright. I have complete faith in the doctor. I've been seeing him for over 9 years. I have lots of time to grow in my trust for him. Thank God I am already a patient there as there are no openings for new patients or they are on a waiting list.

Life is good. A little depression that hopefully won't get worse. I see the doctor, Dr. H soon and I'll see what, if any change will occur to my list of meds. My energy is ok one day and the next day it's not there like before. I'm not worried about it anymore. I trust it will be fine. No fear!

My kids are still out from school. This summer has gone by incredibly fast! I cannot believe it's almost time for them to go back. I have to brace myself for another school year. Homework, after school activities and a weekend that goes by too quickly. Here's to Summer 2015!

So tired these days. I just want to sit around and do nothing but sleep or listen to music. I have no desire to "live life to it's fullest" Whatever this is, whether it's depression or an episode I wish I could let people into my life just a little and let them know how very hard it is for me to be present everyday and act like I am so happy and energetic. I don't really feel unhappy, I mostly feel extreme tiredness. I want to tell my life to please slow down, because I can't go at that pace. I need lots of "me" time to just do nothing. A hypomanic episode would be welcome right now...hint, hint...This never-ending cycle of me being enthusiastic about starting new projects and then being unable to finish them or end up quitting them is here again. All I want is rest. My kids need more of me but I am doing the best I can and pushing myself for them and my husband, most of all. Everything after that is down the list. So tired...............................

June is still good, mood-wise. I still get overwhelmed with housework. My house is huge, in my opinion, and I have so much to get done plus the daily work of having the kids home for the summer. I can't seem to leave the kitchen. They eat, I clean, then it's time to eat again, then I have to clean again. I am so grateful for this hard-working woman who helps me. She comes in tomorrow and will help me.

Me and the kids are doing so many fun things like going to the water park. I am getting season passes and also going to a large pool and going to the beach, and other things besides that. My husband works but has 3 days off in a row to rest. I try to make his favorite meals and let him rest and enjoy his days off. Life is good.