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![]() What the fI went into the city yesterday afternoon. There were some people singing about Christianity and barbecuing sausages, so I ate a sausage and listened to them sing. A guy approached me in his late-thirties, grey hair short hair, tired-looking, chubby. I figured he was part of this church group when he started talking to me. He said he was waiting for someone else, but they hadn't arrived so would I like to have a coffee with him. I assumed he was going to start talking about Jesus and saints and god, which I find really interesting even if I don't believe in any of it. But he didn't. He talked about what he does. Asked me what I do. I began to wonder why he'd started to talk to me after all. He talked about how he has a lot of money. He kept repeating that I should trust. I'd only just met him though! It's insanity to trust every single person without question after just meeting them. He kept asking if I was comfortable. He had these eyes which point off in different directions and he stared at me constantly while talking. I became very uncomfortable. I got up to leave but he wanted my number to call me. He kept saying that if I don't trust him he could give me fifty dollars to prove he's trustworthy, which really did not make sense, and he was very insistent to see me again and talk to me again. Eventually I got up to leave and he wanted to walk me out, so he walked alongside me out of the shopping mall. He brought up (like it was no big deal) that I should come and do some "nude modelling" with him next weekend. That's when it all became clear. A groomer. A predator. What the f
0 Comments Viewed 7134 times And death shall have no dominionI don't think I'll ever kill myself. I used to wonder about death a lot. Some people say you go onto another place when you die: heaven, hell, get reborn as something else. These are interesting to think about but I don't believe in them. I see death like the turning off of a light; life is light and when we are in misery the bulb overheats and it's very hard to bear because we're burning up so we look for a way to cease the pain and turn off the light. I'm too afraid to turn off the light. Maybe in the future I'll gain more courage, but this kind of courage would not be a good thing. Furthermore, even in my darkest hours I can still glimpse a future free of depression and endless hang-ups. There are lights at the ends of tunnels and lights that never go out. For me it takes a lot of maintenance for me to be more than momentarily happy. Is it the same for most others?
0 Comments Viewed 7658 times Life happens?Months elapse and I don't think a lot about what I'm doing. I'll think about my life at this moment. I don't enjoy school; therefore I'm going to withdraw from it. My mother has hatched a crazy plan to move into a home she obviously can't afford, and we're moving in about a week. I've stopped talking to everyone I used to talk to, or they've stopped talking to me. I have emails to attend to, but a lot of them just make me teary to think about what bitter nothing I've been up to. I'm ashamed to reply to them. I just feel like saying sorry, over and over again to countless people. My throat has been sore for over nine weeks now, even though I've been eating fine, getting enough sunlight, exercising, and sleeping okay. The fact that it's still sore, and there's lumps on my tongue makes me wonder if I have cancer or something. I'm not one to worry about my health usually, but this I have a bad feeling about seeing as I don't usually even get sick for more than about 2 weeks at a time. My home life is screwed: my mother is half-crazy, and goes off the walls any time you put forward an opinion which goes againt hers; my little brother has begun staying home from school regularly, which is very worrying due to me knowing firsthand what avoiding school and people for a long amount of time can do to the mind; my mother is angry at me, my brother, and my other brother and goes around slamming doors and getting angry over the littlest things; I've been thinking, on and off, about killing myself for a long while now and I reckon I'll be dead by my own hands within at least a couple of years or perhaps earlier; I don't see things getting better; I think I've finally reached the point where I can decide whether I want to continue or cease to exist; if it weren't for the fact that killing myself would hurt my younger siblings and send their lives into disarray, then I would kill myself given a good, painless opportunity - but I can see myself comitting suicide despite that anyway because I really don't feel like being around. Are most deaths painful? I'm tethered to life here, and troubled constantly. What's the use of going onward? I had hope before, but not now. Hope is erased when goodness does not come. I'm going to write a suicide letter anyway, even if I don't end up using it soon.
0 Comments Viewed 7393 times BackIt's odd to think how warped my life became for a good couple of months. Scary, really. There was a moment where I wondered "What if I'm right to feel this way? What if I was only deluding myself before when I thought I had a good chance at a good future?" - isn't it weird when you can't tell whether you're right or wrong, when you doubt and doubt and all that remains is uncertainty? I felt like killing myself for a couple of weeks. I blame myself for the slip and for once I believe I'm right in blaming myself. I mean I probably only got to that point because I abruptly stopped taking medication which I'd been taking for about 8 months. I'm not sure if it was because I was sick at the time or because of stopping the medication, but my head was spinning, I found it hard to walk properly, I had headaches, felt constantly tired, my thinking was slowed down big time, my memory was terrible, I could barely concentrate, and I just wanted to run away some place on my own and die. Ever realize that you're terribly lonely? I say "realize" because the way I experience it is like this: you're going about your day; you think suddenly about the fact that you can't seem to form and maintain lasting bonds with others; you recall the last time you were "yourself" in front of other people, and it's a long way away; you just feel so wretchedly lonely. Man this feels good to type. It's so good that things even feel good again.
Transient feelings. We are transient. "I am a visitor here. I am permanent." Thinking about how one day I'll be dead starts in me a surge of urgency. Isn't it weird that I feel like life will go forever. And maybe to me it may as well go forever, because maybe I'll never know I'm dying or dead, maybe my thoughts will suddenly just stop. Death used to scare me really badly and still kind of does. But being scared of death is like being scared of the arrival of a letter in the mail: you can't know when exactly the letter will arrive, what they will involve, but it probably will arrive, but then again maybe it won't, and it doesn't help to think too much about it. I can think again! 0 Comments Viewed 7365 times A fearI'm constantly trying to find new information or cement old information, because I have this fear that if I stop using my brain then I'll become slow and unhappy like I was in the past. In the past I would hide from the world and hide from thinking about things by playing video games all day.
Now I lie in bed every night entertaining streams of thought - songs, poems, conversations, places, people - and I find it almost dreamlike how I become so sleepy that eventually I can't keep track of the images I'm thinking of, so they begin to slip into a beautiful and senseless slur. What's strange is that I'm not aware that I'm not really thinking thoughts that make any sense until I'm in the middle of the thoughts and, once I am, I just let it happen until I fall asleep. It's like I'm half-asleep. In the day time, I try to think of as many things as I can, and it saddens me when I can't recall things that have happened to me or things that I've made an effort to remember. Sometimes I'm so worn out that I just can't seem to manage much mental activity, so I become kind of depressed at my lack of ability. 0 Comments Viewed 7517 times
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