I'm constantly trying to find new information or cement old information, because I have this fear that if I stop using my brain then I'll become slow and unhappy like I was in the past. In the past I would hide from the world and hide from thinking about things by playing video games all day.
Now I lie in bed every night entertaining streams of thought - songs, poems, conversations, places, people - and I find it almost dreamlike how I become so sleepy that eventually I can't keep track of the images I'm thinking of, so they begin to slip into a beautiful and senseless slur. What's strange is that I'm not aware that I'm not really thinking thoughts that make any sense until I'm in the middle of the thoughts and, once I am, I just let it happen until I fall asleep. It's like I'm half-asleep.
In the day time, I try to think of as many things as I can, and it saddens me when I can't recall things that have happened to me or things that I've made an effort to remember.
Sometimes I'm so worn out that I just can't seem to manage much mental activity, so I become kind of depressed at my lack of ability.