It's odd to think how warped my life became for a good couple of months. Scary, really. There was a moment where I wondered "What if I'm right to feel this way? What if I was only deluding myself before when I thought I had a good chance at a good future?" - isn't it weird when you can't tell whether you're right or wrong, when you doubt and doubt and all that remains is uncertainty? I felt like killing myself for a couple of weeks. I blame myself for the slip and for once I believe I'm right in blaming myself. I mean I probably only got to that point because I abruptly stopped taking medication which I'd been taking for about 8 months. I'm not sure if it was because I was sick at the time or because of stopping the medication, but my head was spinning, I found it hard to walk properly, I had headaches, felt constantly tired, my thinking was slowed down big time, my memory was terrible, I could barely concentrate, and I just wanted to run away some place on my own and die. Ever realize that you're terribly lonely? I say "realize" because the way I experience it is like this: you're going about your day; you think suddenly about the fact that you can't seem to form and maintain lasting bonds with others; you recall the last time you were "yourself" in front of other people, and it's a long way away; you just feel so wretchedly lonely. Man this feels good to type. It's so good that things even feel good again.

Transient feelings. We are transient. "I am a visitor here. I am permanent." Thinking about how one day I'll be dead starts in me a surge of urgency. Isn't it weird that I feel like life will go forever. And maybe to me it may as well go forever, because maybe I'll never know I'm dying or dead, maybe my thoughts will suddenly just stop. Death used to scare me really badly and still kind of does. But being scared of death is like being scared of the arrival of a letter in the mail: you can't know when exactly the letter will arrive, what they will involve, but it probably will arrive, but then again maybe it won't, and it doesn't help to think too much about it.

I can think again!