Months elapse and I don't think a lot about what I'm doing. I'll think about my life at this moment. I don't enjoy school; therefore I'm going to withdraw from it. My mother has hatched a crazy plan to move into a home she obviously can't afford, and we're moving in about a week. I've stopped talking to everyone I used to talk to, or they've stopped talking to me. I have emails to attend to, but a lot of them just make me teary to think about what bitter nothing I've been up to. I'm ashamed to reply to them. I just feel like saying sorry, over and over again to countless people. My throat has been sore for over nine weeks now, even though I've been eating fine, getting enough sunlight, exercising, and sleeping okay. The fact that it's still sore, and there's lumps on my tongue makes me wonder if I have cancer or something. I'm not one to worry about my health usually, but this I have a bad feeling about seeing as I don't usually even get sick for more than about 2 weeks at a time. My home life is screwed: my mother is half-crazy, and goes off the walls any time you put forward an opinion which goes againt hers; my little brother has begun staying home from school regularly, which is very worrying due to me knowing firsthand what avoiding school and people for a long amount of time can do to the mind; my mother is angry at me, my brother, and my other brother and goes around slamming doors and getting angry over the littlest things; I've been thinking, on and off, about killing myself for a long while now and I reckon I'll be dead by my own hands within at least a couple of years or perhaps earlier; I don't see things getting better; I think I've finally reached the point where I can decide whether I want to continue or cease to exist; if it weren't for the fact that killing myself would hurt my younger siblings and send their lives into disarray, then I would kill myself given a good, painless opportunity - but I can see myself comitting suicide despite that anyway because I really don't feel like being around. Are most deaths painful? I'm tethered to life here, and troubled constantly. What's the use of going onward? I had hope before, but not now. Hope is erased when goodness does not come. I'm going to write a suicide letter anyway, even if I don't end up using it soon.