onight; more lessons that are waking me up; Not fun.
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IVe pissed off the hornets nest. But I've been to dissociatively asleep to feel it; I could see it but didnt care; Now that Im awake and can feel again. damn; problems already starting...
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Ive been in 12 step groups for a long time playing the fool; necessary so I could survive in those places to receive my recovery; and for the most part; Im a great actor; most of the click people believe it; I mean; they know nothing about me. The people reading on this site; just one paragraph no more about me then anyone Ive met in those places for the last 15 years; or 20 years.. or more.
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I never went to those places to explain myself to anyone; I went in sick and stayed long enough too get the help the program offers. along the way I met people who did not understand me and thats OK. I could care less; I just want to get better. But along the way; people have bullied me because they think Im weak and Im dealing with wolves much of the time. Im fairly OK; no problems; at times; problems.
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I never went out with any of their women; Now I know why. Their women are hot girls; dont get me wrong; Good looking by everyones standards and they know it and they liked me and they have status because of their looks. but; I never followed through with any of them. They don't know why and dont care why; they switched me off when I hesitated ; found others guys very quickly; and ended up married to them or dating them or; I was written off as crazy person or mentally ill; stay away from me; or negative person to bully; Im not sure what thats called in a group; the sacrificial lamb; black sheep; I dont know.
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I especially have a hard time with the women because they've written me off as a weakling because I never followed through with them the way a good Neanderthal is suppose to respond. So; Im pushed off to the corner as weirdo In the groups; I have a reputation for never following through with any of the women and Ive had guys call me on it.
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The real reasons I did not follow through with any women; a combination of dissociative disorder and the type of women I was dealing with. As soon as I saw they were opportunities and players and lacking in conscious; I pulled back and went into freeze mode... I never responded to them. I allowed them to walk over me because I wanted to keep the false front so I could be passive but still survive in the rooms. Ive had to take a very open passive roll. I allow everyone to think what they want about me and I dont question them about anything. Because Im using them; Im using the bigger system for my mental health reasons; Im using the place for exposure therapy and its working along with other therapies Im using at the time; no one else knows about it; and thats good.
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Its not that anyone cares; they dont; but they judge what they see.
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But; at times people bully me or treat me like Im a wierdo; like tonight. I also learn lessons. Ive burnt those bridges; especially with the in crowd or clicks and women. Those women helped me develop in the middle of dissociative disorder; just as God had commanded and I learned from it.
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Tonight I found myself in a room with some women that used to like me; I was thinking bout them; the child in me was thinking about them; and when that happens; I feel friendly or my delusion tells me we are friends.. I go innocent; big mistake... especially with these people. They are waiting like a noose for my neck for me to make a mistake.
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Tonight I made a mistake; but I didnt know. I tried to get away from one of them; step away; go away; stay away; I walked around them; and then I felt it; I just felt that feeling like someone was looking at me like I was a predator; I could sense it and slightly see it; I moved passed; and I thought; here we go again. I walk over to the vehicle I was going home in; stepped behind it. pushed...

[ Continued ]