Some peoples biggest problem in life is that they don't know who they are. They don't know why they do the things they do, they don't know why they feel a certain way, and/or they just don't understand themselves. Unfortunately, I am not one of those people. I am honest with myself, just not the rest of the world. I know that when I cut myself yesterday, it was because I was bored, because I liked the thought, because I wanted to come on here and write about it. It was not guilt-driven, hurt yourself as a punishment type of deal like it always has been for me. This time was different.

I cut and slightly burned myself, just because. Luckily for me my friends down the street called and asked me to sneak out and hang, which I did. That time allowed me to think logically about my actions and realize that cutting is not something you should do "just because". "You play Pokemon Go ""just because"", You get Ice Cream ""just because"". "Cutting is only something you use as punishment for yourself, don't disrespect it" I thought. I'm not glorifying cutting, please don't delete my post. Cutting and all kinds of self harm are unsafe. I'm just trying to truthfully tell my state of mind, for once.

I lead a charmed life, had a great childhood. I lived and continue to live in a big house in a cute neighborhood in a small town. Played around outside for the first 12 years of my life with the same kids. My parents are still together and happily so for that matter. Both of my parents work, my dad makes 6 figures so my life has certainly been the thing of fairytales and honestly I hate myself for it. I feel so awful and so guilty all of the time. When I read other posts on here it almost makes me want to cut myself more for just how pathetic I am, and how small my "problems" are, how "first world" they are.

I've been to third world countries and volunteered. I've seen poverty, I've seen tragedy. I've seen devastation, I've seen abuse. But what do I do when my two weeks are over? I go back to my comfy home, with electricity, running water, and remain content to think of all the struggling people from time to time, when its convenient for me. Even at home people around me struggling. I try to make up for all of my luck. But I wish God had spread it around. I wish I could physically carry the burdens of others, take their place, take their pain. I'm majoring in political science with a concentration in foreign affairs with intent to enter into the humanitarian aid sector and help people in third world countries. I love people and I want to help people so bad, but it kills me to see my own vanity, my selfishness, my carelessness, my disregard, my outward dishonesty. I know I could be doing more but instead it seems like i 0only live for myself and that sickens me. Thats why I harm myself. Not for anyone else, No one else will ever have a claim to a self made mark on my body but me. Self harm is a tragedy in itself, please, please reach out for help if your struggling. I know I should get help, I can tell that I'm beginning to dabble in dangerous things but as long as I continue being my well off white bitch self, i don't see any way that I can stop.

P.S-I'm not suicidal, I've got babies in Guatemala that I intend to show have not been forgotten.