So thats how i feel today ... i feel like all i do is screw up and let people down. Its been weeks since i last SH'd and then today i screwed up and ended up cutting. Old habbits die hard i guess. It was kinda semi-planned but even when i did it i was dissapointed straight away it didn't bring the same sense of relief that it has previously and i instantly felt angry and cross at myself. I feel like i have let everyone in my life down, the people that i know care and want to see me succeed, people on here and i guess mostly myself. I wasn't going to tell my parents mostly because i didn't know how but my mum was telling me how well i had done to get through a difficult day without SH and then it kinda all came tumbling out and there it was ..... I could see that it had upset her and i guess therefore in my head meant i let her down. I think that i feel like that because thats what i think so so will everyone else.

I did text a friend of mine whom i have known a long long time and probably knows alot more about me than anyone else i know. She knows where my thoughts are at and what my struggles are but she didn't reply and she probably won't. I don't know what it is i expect her to say or do but i guess for her to tell me it doesn't matter would really help. But i guess i shouldn't rely on other people for approval and encouragement. I guess i need to learn to be able to do that for myself.

I used to hallucinate lots and have fairly regular nightmares and in the last few weeks the thing i used to see has completely stopped. My nightmares have reduced significantly ..... I am very very relieved at this but it kinda leaves me feeling very weird and slightly on edge. It makes me feel like it never even happend and wasn't real (which although i know it wasn't) i can't help feel like i'm loosing my mind even more. The content of my nightmares have been really plaguing my thoughts these last few days. It's left me feeling dirty and disgusting, violated horrid and mega confused. Part of my SH has always been about making myself clean and pure and it feels like i have all this bad stuff running through my body and i can't get it out ... this then leaves me feeling like i need to hurt myself or engage in other equally hurtful behaviours .....

I can't get the feeling of being a screw up out of my head and all the thoughts of being a dissapointment. *sigh*