Today was unsuccessful... but I am pushing on... in my mind.
It must be done that I will continue on.
The lemon balm did nothing significant. Is that really a surprise? How is a pill going to give me the courage to talk to people, the ability to interact with them without fear? It isn't.
There is one way to fight this. It is a part of my mind, and it must be a war inside my mind. Today, I was thinking "it would really just be easier to just go through the years and get my education. Don't worry about friends, you are fine." But, I am not fine. That is the part of my mind that needs to go away, far away.
I really don't want the rest of my life to be like this. I can live with it, but I don't know. I don't want to just be able to "live with" my life.
I don't want to die alone; to never have a group of friends who "have my back" and I have theirs; to never have friends who will say "Hey, that new movie just came out. Lets all go see it" and who I can say the same to; to never have someone who I care about, and they care about me; to have a girlfriend/wife who wants to be around me and I want to be around her; to never have a girl who I can just sit down and watch a movie with, and be close to; to never have a girl who I can think about liking and not feel guilty for it; to never be able to be close to anyone; to have to feel like I am defending myself at every moment I am in a social situation, feeling like people are going to slam my mind against the concrete at any moment; to constantly have an invisible wall between me and the world. I don't like having to do everything through proxy. I want to be able to interact with the world like normal people can.
I want to walk out of a class and meet up with friends outside a room after a test, and someone says "you guys want to go eat somewhere", and another says "hey, how about that new pizza place", and I think "ah, pizza sounds so good right now after that test" and then we drive to the pizza place and order food, and there isn't anxiety. I get food and can eat it there. I don't even need medicine for my stomach because it won't hurt because there won't be anxiety. And then one of us will have class and will have to rush out, and the rest will be there eating and joking around, and the one who had to leave will be okay because we will do the same thing again some other day.
I just want to be able to enjoy things. People my age do fun things, and I can't. I want to be able to do fun things too.
I don't want to just sit here every day for the rest of my life.
Go to school, learn, talk to no one, come home, maybe talk to someone from highschool and play a videogame, but only because it is a duty I have to maintain the friend, not because it is something I want to do. Go to school the next day, come home. People ask me how I am doing and I say "Fine". "Everything good in college" "yeah, everything is great" "You getting along with everyone" "Yeah, yeah."
I don't know. I just feel really bad today. I want to be better. I just want to not have to worry about this crap inside my mind. I want to be able to have relationships with people and to have a close relationship with a girl. That is what I want. But I can't have it.