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The battle is not the war by brainslug on Mon Aug 20, 2012 10:31 pm
Today was unsuccessful... but I am pushing on... in my mind.

It must be done that I will continue on.

The lemon balm did nothing significant. Is that really a surprise? How is a pill going to give me the courage to talk to people, the ability to interact with them without fear? It isn't.

There is one way to fight this. It is a part of my mind, and it must be a war inside my mind. Today, I was thinking "it would really just be easier to just go through the years and get my education. Don't worry about friends, you are fine." But, I am not fine. That is the part of my mind that needs to go away, far away.

I really don't want the rest of my life to be like this. I can live with it, but I don't know. I don't want to just be able to "live with" my life.

I don't want to die alone; to never have a group of friends who "have my back" and I have theirs; to never have friends who will say "Hey, that new movie just came out. Lets all go see it" and who I can say the same to; to never have someone who I care about, and they care about me; to have a girlfriend/wife who wants to be around me and I want to be around her; to never have a girl who I can just sit down and watch a movie with, and be close to; to never have a girl who I can think about liking and not feel guilty for it; to never be able to be close to anyone; to have to feel like I am defending myself at every moment I am in a social situation, feeling like people are going to slam my mind against the concrete at any moment; to constantly have an invisible wall between me and the world. I don't like having to do everything through proxy. I want to be able to interact with the world like normal people can.

I want to walk out of a class and meet up with friends outside a room after a test, and someone says "you guys want to go eat somewhere", and another says "hey, how about that new pizza place", and I think "ah, pizza sounds so good right now after that test" and then we drive to the pizza place and order food, and there isn't anxiety. I get food and can eat it there. I don't even need medicine for my stomach because it won't hurt because there won't be anxiety. And then one of us will have class and will have to rush out, and the rest will be there eating and joking around, and the one who had to leave will be okay because we will do the same thing again some other day.

I just want to be able to enjoy things. People my age do fun things, and I can't. I want to be able to do fun things too.

I don't want to just sit here every day for the rest of my life.

Go to school, learn, talk to no one, come home, maybe talk to someone from highschool and play a videogame, but only because it is a duty I have to maintain the friend, not because it is something I want to do. Go to school the next day, come home. People ask me how I am doing and I say "Fine". "Everything good in college" "yeah, everything is great" "You getting along with everyone" "Yeah, yeah."

I don't know. I just feel really bad today. I want to be better. I just want to not have to worry about this crap inside my mind. I want to be able to have relationships with people and to have a close relationship with a girl. That is what I want. But I can't have it.

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I have to start over in 2025. by OMNICELL on Thu Jul 10, 2025 5:04 pm
I have to start over in 2025.
.
Ive started over with hidden kindness in 2025. Im learning how to go out into society and secretly do kind things for others without them knowing it. I really like...

[ Continued ]

0 Comments Viewed 197 times
The next goal is; Dating by OMNICELL on Wed Jul 09, 2025 5:24 am
The next goal is; Dating
;
Go out into the world and do kind things to others without telling them; Or Do good things for other people…
Do good for others and feel good. And or; do things I...

[ Continued ]

0 Comments Viewed 335 times
At this point Im a guy that is 40 years behind… by OMNICELL on Wed Jul 09, 2025 12:58 am
At this point Im a guy that is 40 years behind… But; that is not the exact truth. But it is; The difference; Im actually out of my hidden shell; Ive done the work and kind of stepped outward for t...

[ Continued ]

0 Comments Viewed 198 times
Update to goals; second goals update… by OMNICELL on Tue Jul 01, 2025 6:21 pm
Update to goals; second goals update…
.
1. Soulmate construct development.
I am working with God; God comes first. All things are and were taken to God…
In some social areas; I have ignored peo...

[ Continued ]

0 Comments Viewed 573 times
Goals; update by OMNICELL on Sat Jun 28, 2025 10:14 am
Goals; update;
.
The goal is a drum room; Ill keep looking into it…
Drumming everyday until its all I want to do all day long
Soulmate; All I can see; things are maybe looking; The door is opening; ...

[ Continued ]

0 Comments Viewed 892 times
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Re: played my song live first time ever... by Snaga on Sun Jun 22, 2025 8:43 pm
Well congratulations! I know I would never have been able to do anything like that, that's really great!

Re: Next blog…. In the realm of things...; The Change.. by Snaga on Wed Jan 01, 2025 11:06 pm
Happy New Year, Omnicell! Another year of making progress!

Re: test by Snaga on Sun Oct 13, 2024 1:34 am
The blogs are a little different from the open forum- here, moderator preview is a constant, unlike the open forum. It's the same case with the official journals forum. I see you're a DID forum user,...

[ Continued ]

Re: Made a decision by NewSunRising on Wed Jun 14, 2023 12:14 pm
but not alone ... We are here for you if ever you need us . Hugs & love .

Re: Being gracious by quietgirl2538 on Mon Jun 05, 2023 4:45 am
I agree

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