...on my hip.

On my wrists.

How lovely, turning cream skin to a soft shade of rose?

How hurtful though, it is to others.

My new sick habit is starting to get out of hand. 6 three inch welts on my hip and a few fading scabs on my wrist. I'm so powerless to myself. To eat right, I have to cut. To not cut, I have to binge and purge. Well, by 'have to' I'm referring to feel normal. Is there no sane side to myself?

This girl had school. And a lot of homework. But on the bright side, she's up and awake. Is it tempting to play with a paper clip before school? Yup, probably. Then I'll take a small nap, wake up, eat, go to school like a good kid and get an A on my algebra quiz. It's a 3 day week end. Yay...

...By something just as bad.

So apparently, I need something to make that ache in my chest go away. I can't purge this week since my dad is off the entire time... so I now have my pretty and shiny paperclip.

5 days without purging or binging... and I have to resort to cutting to make myself feel normal.

...Why?

So I've been good to myself, and havne't purged since saturday (or binged for that matter) But if Zack continues to smash my buttons, I'm going to loose it and scream.

I went out running with the guys, Ethan, Tyler, Chase, and Zack (who I didn't know was coming untill I said I would go and couldn't back out). We went through the sewer system for about 30 minutes in, and he would not stop talking about Taia. Why not just kill me now?

"D**n it!! I lost reception, and I was texting Taia.."

" Still no signal... and I need to text her my regrets"

He would not shut up.

Then what's worse, when he was talking to me...

"Hey Taia!!"
Ethan: "Dude.."
"Oh, sorry, I just want to talk to Taia so bad right now."
Ethan: "You realize you just insulted her (understatement) by calling her Taia?"
"Yah, but dude, she knows I'm messing around"
Me: ..... -shifts uncomfortably and bites my lip so I don't cry-

THen what's WORSE, I had a total break down once we got to a park, and I was literally wondering if anybody would care or notice if I just jumped in front of a car. Zack saw me at the intersection...

"Hey, are you alright? Me and the guys are just messing around. If you want to run, then you can go.."
Me: ....
"Hey, You ok? ...Do you want to be alone?"
Me: .....
"Ok" -leaves-

That's where I lost it and started crying as soon as he was out of sight. I didn't think Zack would be so empty on his words. I did join the guys again after scrapping tears off my face, but... yah.

Olivia broke up with Ethan less than 2 weeks since he asked her out. Now neither me or Ethan have a date to winter formal. Great.

Happy

How long will that up last?

When will life start pushing me back down,

Into the blue?