Hello hello, rets is back again, and this time I'll make more than one blog post.

Fun fact, my username, retsilloh, is actually "Hollister" spelled backwards.

I remember I was staring at my computer screen, tilted over sideways on my bed when making this account, and directly in my line of sight was a pair of old Hollister jeans that I was going to throw out.

That is the story of how retsilloh was born. Cool name if I do say so myself, I kind of like it. That being said, it's one of many Internet proxy's that I use. I've had tons over the years, one for each of my personalities. I find it fun. Actually not really. I just tend to use that word alot when I lose my train of thought. Fun fun fun.

Anyways, it's been quite some time since my last blog post (I know I said this last time too), and I thought itd be a good time to come back and start writing again.

I like how I can use this site as both a way of cataloging my feelings and preserving my state of mind over time, while also serving as a not-so-personal dictionary. I feel 'safe' posting here. I'm constantly watched in my own home, I have no privacy.

I dare not keep a paper diary because anyone who reads it would find out what a freak I am. Realistically I don't think I'm a freak, but I would think that most "normal or average" (yeah ######6 right) people would be offput/made uncomfortable by the stuff that's really going on in my head.

It's the usual shpeal. On the outside I'm your average Joe. I got a decent job now, I'm paying all my bills and have finally become financially stable. But deep down I'm thinking same depressed, cynical man-child who's just looking for a hand to hold.

I ended up landing a job back in August. Not at the company I talked about at my last post, but at a different one. It's a very big company, and I like my benefits. I've been distracted so much that I nearly forgot who I was. I was living in my facade, I fooled myself.

I've recently remembered how pathetic I once felt, and came to the conclusion that nothing has changed. I know this is a common theme in my posts, but it really doesn't get any better. That's what lead me back here, because this is where I come to wallow in my self-inflicted misery.

I'm going to cut this one short and continue on in another post.

Pce