Edit: I'm completely assuming that she'll read this... wich is kind of like weird... Damnit... this could be DID also because it seemed normal although a bit direct and I thought... perhaps it's weird to type such a message like this in my blog while it would perhaps be more fitting as a PM. But in the end there's nothing wrong. Yeah well... I tend to be curious about uhm... who's reading my posts... could've asked... oh nvm... maybe that's the problem... maybe I should've just asked... gosh... nvm... I'll keep it anyway though... I think there's no problem with this message...

...

But yeah it's already been viewed like 102 times. Gosh. I used to be really cautious about these things and it seems kind of gone now... I've changed a lot since a few years ago... gosh... nvm... You know I think she might not appreciate me speaking to her directly like that...

Oh well nvm. I don't mean any harm.

And I'm like asking myself a question when somebody uhm...

Perhaps it's me being paranoid. I feel kind of weird when somebody is looking at my posts... and seems totally completely COMPLETELY normal lol. I just begin to search. Even though she does have something in her signature about DID. I don't know.

...

Yeah I think I have DID actually... now that I think of it... But perhaps I'm still developing it. Perhaps I'm still in development.

I post a lot of posts I don't recognise later on. And together with that I often feel like I'm crazy.

I guess... uhm... I guess this is for me like how it is for others to uhm... oh well nvm. I don't care. Cya.

Original blog entry:

Ok so SaltedLipstick.

Uhm yeah I don't know but I was curious about you so I searched for like your earliest posts...

And while reading your first posts I uhm recognised a lot! And uhm yeah english is your native language and I notice it because you immediatly accurately were able to describe some of the symptoms I think of as extremely hard to describe. I recognize the "spacing-out" stuff etc.

And also a lot more. And you instantly said somewhere that you wanted to write somewhere about what you thought and needed others to be able to read your posts in order for you to keep writing coherently wich is just... I couldn't get over that issue with myself...

But yeah apparently it's just very very normal.

Anyway...

I was reading... and then I was thinking... and a thought popped up...

Uhm yeah. There's stuff I'm ashamed for. Seriously ashamed for.

Stuff that I am at fault for.

And maybe I need to uhm combine the feeling again and become in touch again with that... like... state of mind I was in before the abuse had happened.

Sorry.

I don't know.

I want to write it down because somehow somewhere I know that... this is the stuff that I'm really bothered by.

[trigger, could be disturbing (life and death questions, philosophical stuff)]

In the end nobody can see me because right now I'm a choice... I'm something others can't see nor touch. I'm my own soul and people can't acces my soul... because if I'm dead everything will be gone anyway.

Oh right... one more thing... on more philosophical question... they always say that... for someone to be able to experience black... one must know what white is. So how can I know what life is without being dead? That got me thinking about the possibility that perhaps my soul or... me... is bigger than everything in life itsself... and that perhaps I'm just as dead as I'm alive at the moment. Because otherwise... I wouldn't know that I'm alive. Whatever.

Thanks for saying that I seem completely normal. Lol. I will take that as a compliment!

I'm glad that looking through some of my earlier posts helped you relate a bit... When you said that there is a lot of posts you write that you don't recognise later on, I can relate to that a lot. That was actually the main thing I started to notice about myself when I started to write here regularly. Realising that stuff I had written here seemed unfamiliar later on was actually the main thing that made me realise I had DID. Then I got a diagnosis of it a few weeks later...

You said there is stuff you feel ashamed about and stuff you feel at fault for and then you mention the abuse. If the stuff you feel ashamed about and at fault for has something to do with the abuse, none of it is your fault. Being abused is not your fault in any way and the feelings of shame should lie with your abuser for doing abusive things to you.

When you said this
"maybe I need to uhm combine the feeling again and become in touch again with that... like... state of mind I was in before the abuse had happened.
I want to write it down because somehow somewhere I know that... this is the stuff that I'm really bothered by."
I relate so sooooooo much... I still feel like this. Writing and therapy is helping though...