Yeah so it's allright again.

I don't know.

I don't know how to think about this. Especially the confidence stuff issues etcetera.

I believe it is somehow as if... it's uhm... it has been used up...

And ok. But now when I look at blog entry 11 I think it's ridiculous again.

So in my opinion I'm pretty weird. I'm constantly mood-shifting. And it feels like often I also mood-shift just to evade... stuff... as if... like...

To be ahead of situations or something like that... (if you know what I mean).

I shift moods to flee from social awkward stuff. I really hate that. And uhm...

But yeah in general about my blogs etc... I don't know...

If I would talk about it in person I think uhm... I would seem more like one single person than I do right now... like I mean... as a single whole person who is responsible for all these mood-swings stuff like that.

I mean. I almost have multiple personalities I guess... or well... uhm that probably isn't the case...
But uhm... if only considering the name... yeah...

Actually...

Yeah I don't really want to uhm...

I do it on purpose. And I work very hard for it... actively...

It's pervasive action.

I change moods really quickly. Personalities. I know I do, because I do it intentionally. Based on social situations I've learned from, I now know when to adopt a certain personality for a preferred outcome. Now is that DID like? Because...

It could be a very light... case of DID. Apparently DID can result from severe abuse...

But it's not severe at all.

Seriously.

I can tell you that there's no hidden memories. So.

It's just the psychological stuff I guess from my mum. Psychological violence.

I would like to be more whole... like... more one... because...

Well at least at this moment... like at this time in my life for already quite a while I've constantly been thinking about adopting like these... traits or moods to affect a situation. Because I know it works... and I know I can use it. I don't want medication for it. But yeah it keeps me kind of scared of myself as well.

Because uhm yeah sometimes there are abuse victims who got abused again and again over and over in their lives... but uhm... I... seem... to really be able to... so far... at least... keep that away from me...

And so it's like I have to hide. But I become so... uhm... focussed on...

Let's compare it to real hiding for example. In order to hide succesfully from guards for example (searching people... guards?... can't think of other ones)... you have to be able to at least... have imagination... as to what those people are sensing... seeing mostly... so you begin creating this picture... begin imagining what other people might be seeing... then you... uhm... look around yourself and using that imagination of the guard and your own perception you know that for example... a possible hiding place is behind a tree 20 yards away next to a fence... (don't know just thinking up of something)...

Now if you get really good at that... you've got like 2 realities to "work" with. One "first-person" reality and the other one the view from the person you want to hide from. Now...

Now change this whole comparison to mentally again.

Can you imagine (this is why I explained this and is the point I'm trying to make)... that I become so focussed on living inside these 2 realities... and it works... and I get away with it... and looking again at the text I wrote before (this post a little further up) in wich I just said I actually think I'm pretty good at avoiding certain social situations by "changing moods"... or well... more or less... it boils down to super split second acting skills... that uhm... I became scared of myself? In a sense that I lost myself. I don't know what I look like myself anymore...

I guess what the hell I'm trying to say is that I'm starting to lose myself... because it works....
I don't want to be myself or something apparently... it's very hard for me to keep an overview of everything... of who I truly am completely. What I look like... (not physically but mentally like what my personality is like) etc.

It's pretty crazy. But yeah I'm doing it myself. I don't care if you guys might think I have a multiple personality disorder...(in case you will)... because no matter how much so called "personalities" I seem to have... I'm a single person. With a single head. With roughly the same brain capacity as everyone of you except for other species... like animals etc... so shut up.

If you think I change moods too rapidly it's your problem.

But that's all on the assumption that you would find it crazy and would call it names and would advice me to take medication for that... etc... you never told me that. Speaking in you as everybody else besides me. Besides... single... whole... only... me. And I didn't mean "single" in the relationship status kind of way. "I'm single". No.

I think you should come chat on the DID forum. I thought that from reading your last few blogs before even reading this one here.

I view myself as a one person too in the way you describe and have always thought of having DID as being a little bit like having rapid mood swings... Rapid mood swings where you say things or write things you disagree with or think look a little bit strange later. Where you can't always be 100 percent on what you did or said during that time... .

I might.

It's kind of interesting that after talking about a new diagnosis uhmm I get my first response from somebody else to my blog.

Nothing negative or something. But yeah interesting. Makes me wonder about what to do. So I'll take it into consideration.

I really like the fact that you messaged me But then like... the post itsself... I'm kind of... uhm in doubt about your advice. But thanks for messaging.

I think you don't necessarily have to actively "do" anything. I think it will just help you to keep writing your blog entries and gradually you will start to get a clearer picture of what is going on for you...

It's understandable that you would be in doubt of my advice, I'm not you after all and I can't know exactly what you go through. But equally, people who are coming to terms with the fact that they might have other personalities usually tend to doubt it....